Old and New Jokes

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I love cats…they taste just like chicken

Laugh alone and the world thinks youre an idiot.

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car….

Your kid may be an honor student but youre still an IDIOT!

I souport publik edekasion

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.

A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in a race. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured, however, that since he had it he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, in the first race his mule came in second. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline:

PREACHERS ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased that he entered the mule in another race. This time it won and the paper said:

PREACHERS ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHERS ASS

This was too much for the bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher gave it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day said:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who would take it off her hands for $10.00. The paper said:

NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS

…They buried the bishop the next day.

Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug.

As most people know, McDonalds restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB).



Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB. McDonalds signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two decimal places.



This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonalds signs will read 00 Billion Burgers Sold. This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonalds hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonalds products.



The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force the already-troubled company into bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles.



The people who know — the sign-makers — are really scared of 100GB, one expert said. I dont know about you, but Im digging up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the hills.

Your mama so fat that everytime a hurricane comes, the army sends her out to sea to create a wall to stop it.

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house, exclaiming,
Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button thats come off of me fly? I cant
button me pants.

Oh, Angus…Ive got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if
Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it.

About 5 minutes later, theres a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling
and the sound of a body falling down the stairs. Walking back in the door
with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus.

The little lady looks at him and says My God, what in hells name happened
to you? Did you ask her like I told you?

Aye, says Angus. I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did.
Everything was goin fine, but when she bent doon to bite off the wee
thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in.

Entra un tipo a una farmacia y dice:

Deme una caja de Tampax, por favor.

El de la farmacia se le queda viendo extrañado y le pregunta:

Mire, ¿y para qué quiere Ud. una caja de Tampax.

Es que eso fue lo que me recetó el doctor para el resfriado este que tengo.

Oiga señor. El Tampax no es para el resfriado. El Tampax es para otra cosa….

Y le explica. Entonces le dice el de la farmacia al final:

Ud. lo que busca es CONTAX.

¡Efectivamente! ¡Con razón me costaba tanto trabajo tragármelos!

Yesterday I visited a translation website and translated some Christmas carols into other languages, then back into English. The results as follows:

Jingleglocken, jingleglocken, jingle completely.

Oh which fun it is to ride into a horse-opened sleigh.

(Jingle Bells, translated into German and then back into English)

Ring of sleighbells, are you listening?

In the track the snow is shining.

A beautiful vista, we are tonight happy,

Walking in the country of the wonders of the winter.

(Winter Wonderland, Spanish)

Icily Snowman a lucky merry soul

With one was formed from a key corncob,

And the nose and two eyes, those from coal.

(Frosty the Snowman, German)

Rudolph the red-nose reindeer has had a nose a lot polishes,

And if you never saw it, you would even say that she emits light.

(Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Italian)

You would improve the clock towards the outside,

You would improve not the shout,

You would improve not the codfish.

I is saying to him Papa Noel is coming to the city.

(Santa Claus Is Coming to Town, Spanish)

By Robin Pearce (a psychologist with time on his hands)

(And thanks to Steve Kilbride)

There are two kinds of lawyers:

Those who know the law and those who know the judge.

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out… a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her.

Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadnt shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!

The other bum says, Well, I dunno. Let me ask him –

HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?

One day a woman had a 11:00am appointment at the gynecologist office and got woke out of bed around 8:30 by the phone and it was the gynecologist office saying that her appointment had been pushed up to 9:30.

Most woman take extra time to wash up on days that they have an appointment, but not today. She ran into the bathroom and found her daughters washcloth on the sink and did the quick rub down, raced over to the office and got undressed and got onto the table with her legs spread in the leg racks.

The doctor comes in and says Wow, we spent extra time to clean up today!

The woman was so embarrassed she says nothing and concludes the exam. She goes home and later that day her daughter asks her where her washcloth is and the mother says Just get another one!

The daughter says No mom you dont understand, that is the one with my face glitter and sparkles in it.