Old and New Jokes

If you believe the people that believe in reincarnation,
life sucks, then you die. Then life sucks again.

The other morning I woke up and quickly noticed that I had no feeling
in my left hand. Have you ever had that happen where you sleep on it
wrong? Any way, I tried to move the fingers, and nothing happened. I
reached over with my right hand and gave the skin on my left hand a
little pinch. I couldnt feel a thing! Now I was starting to
worry…

I reached over to the night stand and picked up a pin. I gave my left
hand a sharp jab to see if Id feel it. At that moment, my wife let
out a scream! Thank goodness my hand was OK!

Credits:
Comic on Carson 2-Jan-91

Q: How many armies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening.

En el salón de clases de Pepito, un día la maestra les dijo:

Si se portan bien y aprenden la lección, mañana vengo con minifalda.

Al dia siguiente la maestra iba en minifalda, y esta vez les dijo:

Si se portan bien y aprenden la lección, mañana vengo cubierta solamente con hojas de árbol.

Lo cumplió y al día siguiente iba vestida sólo con hojitas. Llegó la hora del recreo y Pepito era el único que seguía en el salon. Entonces la maestra le preguntó:

Pepito ¿por qué no saliste?

Y él respondió:

Porque como hoy comienza el otoño, estoy esperando a que las hojas se caigan…

You might be a redneck if…
The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.

The bartender does just as the drunk requested and hands the man a bill for $57.00.



The drunk says, I havent got it.



The bartender gets angry and throws him out into the street.



The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.



The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he cant possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00.



The drunk says, I havent got it.



The bartender cant believe it. He gets furious, picks the guy up and hurls him out into the street.



The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.



In disgust, the bartender says, What, no drink for me this time?



The drunk replies, You!? No way! You get too violent when you drink.

In the city today the temperature rose to 180 degrees. This sudden
rise of temperature was responsible for the intolerable heat.

Little Johnnys dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a condom about to give his girlfriend some.

Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says, Whatcha doin daddy?

Johnnys dad stoops over to cover-up his dick and starts looking at the floor. Oh Im just looking for this big rat I saw. he says.

Little Johnny says, Whatcha gonna do, fuck it?

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous One small step for man, one giant leap for man kind statement but followed it with several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark Good luck Mr. Gorsky.Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American Space Programs. Over the years many people questioned Mr. Armstrong as to what the Good Luck Mr. Gorsky, statement meant, but Armstrong always smiled and would not answer.On July 5, 1996, in Tampa, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 29 year old question to Armstrong again. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question…. When Armstrong was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in his backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbors bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, the then young Neil Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky saying Oral Sex! You want oral sex? Youll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!

Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.

You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.

Youve ever spray painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.