Old and New Jokes

Superman once wrote on the wall: “Batman is a pussy.” The next day Batman wrote: “Superman is Clark Kent.”

To: All Employees

From: Management

Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
Work requests are not to be filed under Bah humbug.
Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandmas house.
All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

The best way to win an argument is to start by being right.

Q: What does a blonde do after waking up?

A1: Go Home.

A2: Introduce herself to the guy on the bed.

A List of Abbreviations in the Women Seeking Men Classifieds.

Code Word: 40-ish
Really Means: 48

Code Word: Adventurous
Really Means: Has had more partners than you ever will

Code Word: Affectionate
Really Means: Possessive

Code Word: Artist
Really Means: Unreliable

Code Word: Athletic
Really Means: Flat chested

Code Word: Average looking
Really Means: Ugly

Code Word: Beautiful
Really Means: Pathological liar

Code Word: Commitment-minded
Really Means: Pick out curtains, now!

Code Word: Communication important
Really Means: Just try to get a word in edge-wise

Code Word: Contagious Smile
Really Means: Bring your penicillin

Code Word: Educated
Really Means: College dropout

Code Word: Emotionally Secure
Really Means: Medicated

Code Word: Employed
Really Means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home

Code Word: Enjoys art and opera
Really Means: Snob

Code Word: Enjoys Nature
Really Means: Bring your own granola

Code Word: Exotic Beauty
Really Means: Would frighten a Martian

Code Word: Feminist
Really Means: Fat; ball buster

Code Word: Financially Secure
Really Means: One paycheck from the street

Code Word: Free spirit
Really Means: Substance user

Code Word: Friendship first
Really Means: Trying to live down reputation as slut

Code Word: Fun
Really Means: Annoying

Code Word: Gentle
Really Means: Comatose

Code Word: Good Listener
Really Means: Borderline Autistic

Code Word: Humorous
Really Means: Caustic

Code Word: Intuitive
Really Means: Your opinion doesnt count

Code Word: In Transition
Really Means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills

Code Word: Light drinker
Really Means: Lush

Code Word: Looks younger
Really Means: If viewed from far away in bad light

Code Word: Loves Travel
Really Means: If youre paying

Code Word: Loves Animals
Really Means: Cat lady

Code Word: Mature
Really Means: Will not let you treat her like a farm animal in bed,
like last boyfriend did

Code Word: New-Age
Really Means: All body hair, all the time

Code Word: Non-tradional
Really Means: Ex-husband lives in the basement

Code Word: Old-fashioned
Really Means: Lights out, missionary position only

Code Word: Open-minded
Really Means: Desperate

Code Word: Outgoing
Really Means: Loud

Code Word: Passionate
Really Means: Loud

Code Word: Petite
Really Means: Wouldnt stand out in a pack of Munchkins

Code Word: Poet
Really Means: Depressive Schzophrenic

Code Word: Professional
Really Means: Bitch

Code Word: Redhead
Really Means: Shops on the Clairol aisle

Code Word: Reliable
Really Means: Frumpy

Code Word: Reubenesque
Really Means: Grossly Fat

Code Word: Romantic
Really Means: Looks better by candle light

Code Word: Self-employed
Really Means: Jobless

Code Word: Smart
Really Means: Insipid

Code Word: Special
Really Means: Road the short schoolbus

Code Word: Spiritual
Really Means: Involved with a cult

Code Word: Stable
Really Means: Boring

Code Word: Tall, thin
Really Means: Anorexic

Code Word: Tan
Really Means: Wrinkled

Code Word: Voluptuous
Really Means: Very Fat

Code Word: Weight proportional to height
Really Means: Hugely Fat

Code Word: Wants Soulmate
Really Means: One step away from stalking

Code Word: Widow
Really Means: Nagged first husband to death

Code Word: Writer
Really Means: Pompous

Code Word: Young at heart
Really Means: Old Toothless Fogie

Q. Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?

A. Because they both drip when theyre fucked!

Q. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?

A. Way to go team!

Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?

A. FULL

Q. What happened to the blonde tap dancer?

A. She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper?

A. So she could lip read.

Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?

A. You get to park in the handicap zone.

Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

A. Pregnant

Q. Whats the difference between a blonde and a 747?

A. Not everyone has been in a 747?

Court scene: 1st Lawyer: Youre a fool 2nd Lawyer: And youre a damn fool. Judge : As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can we now proceed with the case.

Why do blondes smile when they see lightning?

The following is an Italian wedding invitation:

,2 da wedding

Rosa Mr.

What does it mean? (scroll down)

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,2 da wedding –> comea to da wedding

Rosa Mr. –> Rosa missed her period.

Q: Why didnt the blonde want a window seat on the plane?

A1: Shed just dyed her hair.

A2: Shed just blow dried her hair and she didnt want it blown around too much.