After a long day of listening to a Texan brag, a New Yorker decided to show the Texan the Empire State Building.
When the Texan but down New Yorks well-know landmark by saying: Heck, thats nothing. In Texas, we have outhouses bigger than that!
The New Yorker, reponded, You need them!
This comes from a box of my Dads stuff from World War II. I
transcribed it as accurately as I could from the original yellowed memo
(I fixed a few spelling errors, but left any wording errors as they were).
Brett Carver
Hewlett-Packard
hplabs!hpnmd!brett
HEADQUARTERS
LAST U.S. ARMY
APO 001. U.S. ARMY
AG 4110.99 (DEBCA) 20 September 1944
SUBJECT : Indoctrination for Return to U.S.
TO : All Units.
A. In compliance with current policies for rotation of armed forces overseas
it is directed that in order to maintain the high standard of character of the
American Soldier and to prevent any dishonor to reflect on the uniform all
individuals eligible for return to the U.S. under current directives will
undergo an indoctrination course of demilitarisation prior to approval of his
application for return.
B. The following points will be emphasized in the subject indoctrination
course:-
In America there is a remarkable number of beautiful girls. These young
ladies have not been liberated and many are gainfully employed as
stenographers, sales girls, beauty operators or welders. Contrary to current
practice they should not be approached with, How much? A proper greeting is,
Isnt it a lovely day? or, Have you ever been to Chicago? Then say, How
much?
A guest in a private home is usually awakened in the morning by a light
tapping on his door, and an invitation to join the host at breakfast. It is
proper to say, Ill be there shortly. DO NOT say, Blow it out your _____.
A typical American breakfast consists of such strange foods as cantaloupes,
fresh eggs, milk, ham, etc. These are highly palatable and though strange in
appearance are extremely tasty. Butter, made from cream, is often served. If
you wish some butter, you turn to the person nearest it and say quietly, Please
pass the butter. DO NOT say, Threw me the godam grease.
Very natural urges are apt to occur when in a crowd. If it is found
necessary to defecate, one does NOT grab a shovel in one hand and paper in the
other and run for the garden. At least 90% of American homes have one room
called the Bathroom, i.e. a room that, in most cases, contains a bathtub,
wash basin, medicine cabinet, and a toilet. It is the latter that you will use
in this case. (Instructors should make sure that all personnel understand the
operation of toilet, particularly the lever or button arrangement that serves
to prepare the device for reuse).
In the event the helmet is retained by the individual, he will refrain from
using it as a chair, wash bowl, foot bath or bathtub. All these devices are
furnished in the average American Home. It is not considered good practice to
squat Indian fashion in a corner in the event all chairs are occupied. The
host usually will provide suitable seats.
Belching or passing wind in company is strictly frowned upon. If you
should forget about it, however, and belch in the presence of others, a proper
remark is, Excuse me. DO NOT say, It must be that lousy chew weve been
getting.
American dinners, in most cases, consist of several items, each served in a
separate dish. The common practice of mixing various items, such as corn-beef
and pudding, or lima beans and peaches, to make it more palatable will be
refrained from. In time the Separate Dish system will become enjoyable.
Americans have a strange taste for stimulants. The drinks in common usage
on the Continent, such as underripe wine, alcohol and grapefruit juice, or
gasoline bitters and water (commonly known by the French as Cognac) are not
usually acceptable in civilian circles. A suitable use for such drinks is for
serving ones landlord in order to break an undesirable lease.
The returning soldier is apt to find often that his opinions differ from
those of his civilian associates. One should call upon his reserve etiquette
and correct his acquaintance with such remarks as, I believe you have made a
mistake, or, I am afraid you are in error on that. DO NOT say, Brother,
youre really f—-d up. This is considered impolite.
Upon leaving a friends home after a visit, one may find his hat
misplaced. Frequently it has been placed in a closet. One should turn to
ones host and say, I dont seem to have my hat. Could you help me find it?
DO NOT say, Dont anybody leave this room, some S.O.B. has stolen my hat.
In traveling in the U.S., particularly in a strange city, it is often
necessary to spend the night. Hotels are provided for this purpose and almost
anyone can give directions to the hearest hotel. Here, for a small sum, you
can register and be shown to a room where he can sleep for the night. The
present practice of entering the nearest house, throwing the occupants into the
yard and taking over the premises will cease.
Whiskey, a common American drink, may be offered to the soldier on social
occasions. It is considered a reflection on the uniform to snatch the bottle
from the hostess and drain the bottle, cork and all. All individuals are
cautioned to exercise extreme control in these circumstances.
In motion picture theaters seats are provided. Helmets are not required.
In is NOT considered good form to whistle every time a female over 8 and under
80 crosses the screen. If vision is impaired by the person in the seat in
front, there are plenty of other seats which can be occupied. DO NOT hit him
across the back of the head and say, Move your head, jerk, I cant see a damn
thing.
It is not proper to go around hitting everyone of draft age in civilian
clothes. He might have been released from the service for medical reasons.
Ask for his credentials, and if he cant show any THEN go ahead and slug him.
Upon retiring, one will often find a pair of pajamas laid out on the bed.
(Pajamas, it should be explained, are two-piece garments which are donned after
all clothing has been removed.) The soldier, confronted by these garments,
should assume an air of familiarity and not act as though he were not used to
them. A casual remark such as, My, what a delicate shade of blue will usually
suffice. Under NO circumstances say, How in hell do you expect me to sleep in
a get-up like that?
Natural functions will continue. It may frequently be necessary to
urinate. DO NOT walk behind the nearest tree or automobile you find to
accomplish this. Toilets (see 2d above) are provided in all public buildings
for this purpose.
Beer is sometimes served in bottles. A cap remover is usually available,
and it is not good form to open the bottle by the use of ones teeth.
Always tip your hat before striking a lady.
Air raids and enemy patrols are not encountered in America. Therefore it
is not necessary to wear the helmet in church or at social gatherings, or to
hold the weapon at ready, loaded and cocked, when talking to civilians in the
street.
Every American home and all hotels are equipped with bathing facilities.
When it is desired to take a bath, it is not considered good form to find the
nearest pool or stream, strip down, and indulge in a bath. This is
particularly true in heavily populated areas.
All individuals returning to the U.S. will make every effort to conform to
the customs and habits of the regions visited, and to make themselves as
inconspicuous as possible. Any actions which reflect upon the honor of the
uniform will be promptly dealt with.
For the Commanding General:
Why are dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer – who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
Okay, the sheriff drawled, Gomer, what is 1 and 1?
11 he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, Thats not what I meant, but hes right.
What two days of the weekstart with the letter T?
Today and tomorrow.
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, I dont know.
Well, why dont you go home and work on that one for a while?
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.
It went great! First day on the job and Im already working on a murder case!
A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.
Why did you do that? the soldier was asked by his superior officer.
I know where he lives, he replied, and he wouldnt have made it.
It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer.
The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession. The Ants star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants goal when the Elephants left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game.
What the hell do you think youre doing?
Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?
The elephant replied, Well, I didnt mean to kill him — I was just trying to trip him up.
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
156. Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really dont like the jack-o-lantern, but you cant convince it to move out.
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, Crushed nuts?
No, he replied, just my arthritis acting up a little.
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as Millennia Year Application Software System (MYASS).
Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.
Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinates office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, Im a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before. I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.
There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business.
As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, here, stick this in MYASS. It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS.
A communist party official opened a whorehouse to attract tourists
and their foreign currency. Adding up his books after a year,
he discovered he had lost a great deal of money.
I dont understand it, he moaned. I hired all the best girls.
Why, every single one of them has been a good loyal party member
for at least 30 years!
An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of
the day and announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into
a rage.
What is this? he shouts. I fought against the Nazis, I worked
hard all my life, Ive been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I
cant even buy a piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!
Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you
had made an outburst like that only a few years ago–and he points
an imaginary gun to his head and pulls the trigger.
The old man goes home, and his wife says, So theyre out of
meat again?
Its worse than that, he replies. Theyre out of bullets.
Maurice Suhre