Old and New Jokes

George W. Bush is very concerned about Dick Cheneys recent health problems. Now Dubya knows hes only a heartbeat away from the presidency.

I met a man who had been married for 66 years. Amazing. 66 years! I said. Whats the secret to such a long, happy marriage? Well, he replied, Its like this. The man makes all the big decisions…and the woman just makes the little decisions.

Really? I responded. Does that really work?

Oh, yes, he said proudly. 66 years, and so far, not one big decision!

Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups.

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence. So she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country. Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

If I can guess the exact number of sheep here will you let me have one? she asked. The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed. You have 171 sheep, said the blonde in triumph. Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice. She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked. She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back? The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. Your a blonde! Now give me back my dog.

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

Theres no way they can catch a Mercedes, he thought to himself and opened her up further. His needle hit 90, 100, 110. Then the reality of the situation hit him.

What the heck am I doing? he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. Finally he came to the window looking steadily at the driver and said, Ive had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I dont feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I havent heard before, you can go!

The driver blinked only once while his brain scrambled for a reply. Last week my wife ran off with a cop, he said, and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!

Off you go, said the officer.

La familia de Pepito está invitada a una lujosa cena en una casa de gente aristócrata. Cuando la cena había comenzado alguien sugiere hacer adivinanzas para ganarse el postre.

Uno de los comensales al ver el enorme anillo de una de las invitadas dice:

Redondo y grueso a la mujer le llega hasta el hueso.

Contesta Pepito: ES EL BICHO, ES EL BICHO.

La anfitriona molesta le dice al mayordomo: Jaime los abrigos que los señores se retiran.

El papá de Pepito se disculpó de mil maneras asegurando que no volvería a pasar. La anfitriona acepta de mala gana.

Viendo la yegua de la casa pasar por el jardín un invitado dice:

Larga y briosa a la mujer pone nerviosa.

Vuelve a contestar Pepito: ES EL BICHO, ES EL BICHO.

Jaime, los abrigos de los señores que ya se retiran.

Vueve a disculparse el papá de Pepito. Se acepta la disculpa.

Al ver que el postre eran churros con chocolate otro invitado dice: Largo y arrogante sale blando y chorreante.

Pepito se pone de pie y dice:

JAIME, POR FAVOR MI ABRIGO. ¡QUE ME JODA SI NO ES EL BICHO!

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

3. Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

2. I wasnt sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.

1. Amen

As soon as a woman thinks sufficiently fast, one calls it intuition. –Barbro Alving

We women talk too much, nevertheless we only say half of what we know. –Nancy Astor

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infants life, she will choose to save the infants life without even considering if there are men on base. –Dave Barry

I heard a man say that brigands demand your money or your life, whereas women require both. –Samuel Butler

Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love you instead of laugh at you. –Mrs. Patrick Campbell

The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him. –Cher

Women want men, career, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love and cheap stockings that dont run. –Phyllis Diller

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax
and get used to the idea. –Robert A. Heinlein

Plain women know more about men than beautiful ones do. But beautiful women dont need to know about men. Its the men who have to know about beautiful women. –Katherine Hepburn

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps
they should live next door and just visit now and then. –Katherine Hepburn

A womans mind is cleaner than a mans. She changes it more
often. –Oliver Herford

Only two things are necessary to keep ones wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it. –Lyndon B. Johnson

You meet a lot of smart guys with stupid wives, but you almost never meet a smart woman with a stupid husband. –Erica Jong

Large increases in cost with questionable increases in performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women. –Lord Kelvin

On one issue at least, men and women agree; they both distrust women. –H.L. Mencken

I know Im not going to understand women. Ill never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
–Jerry Seinfeld

If you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything
done, ask a woman. –Margaret Thatcher

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. –Lana Turner

I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat. –Rebecca West, 1913

If women ran the world we wouldnt have wars, just
intense negotiations every 28 days. –Robin Williams

A woman never forgets her age once she decides what it is. –Unknown

My Back has two tellers open at a time. except on busy days then it has one.

BUXTON, N.C. A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug
into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones,
21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been
sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it
collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on the
Outer Banks used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to
Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, Va., but could not reach him. It took
rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while
about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. You
just wouldnt believe the outpouring of concern, people digging with their
hands, using pails from kids, Dare County Sheriff Bert Austin said.