Old and New Jokes

Mouse wash!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Teresa!
Teresa who?
Teresa green!

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me?

I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when shes done just give her 10 hail Marys and Ill be right back.



Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex. Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 hail Marys would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an alter boy, Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?



In reply the alter boy said,



Two Snickers bars and a Coke.

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.



At the very last minute, she realized that she didnt have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed.



He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself Wouldnt it be great if she

would even just come down and talk to me. He went back to gathering the snails.



All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.



At seven oclock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, Oh no – My wifes dinner party!!!

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.



There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where hes been all this time.



He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said –

Come on guys, were almost there!

Ever decide to run a red light, and the guy in front of you chickens out?

Your photographs do you an injustice. They all look like you!

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com

My brothers psychology professor, a Yankees Yankee and a
feminists feminist, tells the following story on herself to illustrate
that doctorates dont necessarily make you smart.

She was driving to a workshop in Atlanta from her home in Ohio.
It was about 10 am, and shed been driving the entire preceding day and night
herself, and she was consequently not in the best of tempers as she searched
for a motel in which to crash.

A Georgia state policeman pulled her over, got out of his cruiser,
swaggered up to her drivers window, bent down, and drawled, Lookie here,
darlin,–uh oh, everybody duck–Lookie here, darlin, nobody blows
through Georgia that fast.

Said the feminist Yankee overtired psychology professor: Sherman did.

She says he was not satisfied merely to give her a speeding ticket;
he made her follow him fifty miles out of her way to Nowheresburg, GA, and
wait at the police station until three in the afternoon for a circuit judge
to arrive so that he could explain to her why it wasnt the best idea in
the world to be impolite to policemen, who were after all interested only
in creating the safest possible environment for everybody including her,
etc. etc. The lecture went on for about two hours, she says, after which
she was released to drive the fifty miles back to her route and resume her
search for someplace to crash.

True story–anyway, thats what my brother said.

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear. One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit. Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. Ive got something to show you! Not now! Im eating. Oh come on! said the rabbit. Its really important. No way. Please. Its urgent. So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air. Well, rabbit, he panted. What did you want to tell me? Hey, Teddy, the rabbit began, look how many berries are on the other side of the river.

Set it on fire

Cesium (Burning in the Dead of Night)
(Tune, Blackbird)

Cesium burning in the dead of night.
Take your sky blue lines and start to shine.
All my life,
I was only waiting for the moment you were mine.

Cesium burning on a lake of ice.
Lift your glorious flame up to the skies.
All your life,
You were only waiting for some water to arise.

Cesium burn.
Cesium burn.
Give your light to this coal black night.

— Songs of Cesium #133