A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?
The pirate replies We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.
Wow! said the seaman. What about your hook?
Well…, replied the pirate, We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.
Incredible! remarked the seaman. How did you get the eyepatch?
A seagull dropping fell into my eye., replied the pirate.
You lost your eye to a seagull dropping? the sailor asked incredulously.
Well…, said the pirate, …it was my first day with the hook.
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, Have you been fooling around on me?!
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, Not this time.
1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed
2. All polar bears are left-handed
3. If your car is stolen, theres a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear
1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles
2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles
3. Work stuffs up your eyesight
1. All dogs are animals
2. All cats are animals
3. Therefore, all dogs are cats
1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second
2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second
3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant
(sung to the tune of Walking in a Winter Wonderland)
Dogs tags ring, are you listening?
In the lane, snow is glistening.
Its yellow, not white — Ive been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.Smell that tree? Thats my fragrance.
Its a sign for wandring vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, its my property!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then Ill lift my leg and let it go, man,
So all the world will know its mine-mine-mine!Straight from me to the fence post,
flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off of my turf, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland."
I was recently (as in yesterday) given this announcement for
a new C compiler. Please do not direct any questions concerning
this product to me – all I know is what you see here. Please
contact the company for further information. Also, this is long,
so please edit accordingly when replying via news.
Tenne-C Announcement
What do Britney Spears and a computer have in common?
Their both cheap, white, and plastic….
A Texan walked into a whorehouse in Anchorage and asked, Do you have a girl here from Texas named Arlene?
Sure do, said the madam. Go on up to Room 6.
The Texan went up to Room 6 and knocked on the door. When the woman answered it, he asked Are you Arlene from Texas?
I sure am, she replied.
Well, I got two hundred dollars, he proudly said.
The hooker grabbed him by the shirt and dragged him into the room. After they had thrashed around on the mattress for a half an hour, the Texan got up to leave.
Will you be here tomorrow? he asked.
Sure, Arlene said, Ill be here.
The next night, the Texan came back and went up to Room 6. Another two hundred dollars, another hour of horizontal aerobics. When they were done, the Texan was sitting on the side of the bed and he asked, Will you be here tomorrow night?
Honey, she said, Ill be here every night for you.
The next night, the Texan came back again. Same thing: two hundred dollars, the best sex of his life. When they were done, they were both sitting on the edge of the bed.
Say, Arlene said, what part of Texas you from?
Im from Dallas, the Texan says, with a big grin.
Well, I got a sister in Dallas! the hooker cries.
I know it, the Texan says, and she gave me six hundred dollars to give to you!
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first.
After the pro sees his swing, he says, No, no, no, youre gripping the club way too hard!
Well, what should I do? asks the man.
Hold the club gently, the pro replied, just like youd hold your wifes breast.
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.
The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife cant wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, No, no, no, youre gripping the club way too hard.
What can I do? asks the wife.
Hold the club gently, just like youd hold your husbands penis.
The wife listens carefully to the pros advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway … about 15 ft.
That was great, the pro says. Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like youre supposed to! says the pro.
Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft.
Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data.
Giving Worf a nuggie.
Ordering a pizza from Dominos, then going 30 minutes into the future just to piss them off. (Ha ha! Free pizza!)
Secretly replacing the dilithium crystals with New Folgers crystals.
Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Countdown during self-destruct sequence.
Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression.
Calling down to the transporter room, and asking if theyve beamed aboard Prince Albert in a can.
Tribble sex!
A traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.
She said, Im Mrs. Chadivaler Zuminskagia Ragretumunga from the Republic of Uzbetikan visiting my daughter in Columbia.
As she finished speaking the cop paused for a moment and then put away his summons book and pen, and said, Well… OK… but dont let me catch you speeding again.