Old and New Jokes

Nature has many laws that hold fast and true.



For example, a baby ape will always grow-up to be an ape; likewise, a baby baboon will become an adult baboon.

A baby pig will mature into a full grown pig.

A baby jackass will always become a jackass.

A puppy quickly matures into a dog;

a mongrel pup develops into a cur.



Yet oddly enough, women say a young man may grow-up to be any one of these.

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, I bet you dont know what day this is.

Of course I do, he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived . Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldnt wait for her husband to come home.

First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress! she exclaimed.

Ive never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!

Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Servicemans Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasnt long before the centers Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits and then said If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you dont have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000. Now, he concluded, which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?

El ministro de una pequeña congregación iba a comenzar el sermón cuando notó una joven en la fila de enfrente que llevaba un vestido muy pegado y con los senos casi saliéndosele. El hombre no se pudo concentrar en el mensaje para su rebaño, así que dejó pasar el servicio y pidió hablar con la mujer después que los feligreses dejaron la iglesia. Ya solos, el reverendo pregunta en voz de sermón:

¿Por qué vienes a la iglesia vestida así?

¿Por qué, reverendo? Todos mis novios me dicen que oyen ángeles cantar cuando ponen sus cabezas sobre mis senos.

Humm. Bueno, déjame revisar, dice el reverendo mientras pone la cabeza entre los senos de la chica.

Después de algunos minutos, levanta la cabeza y afirma:

No oigo ningún ángel cantar.

Por supuesto que no, reverendo: necesita conectarse.

For sale: An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
For sale: Four-posted bed, 101 years old, perfect for antique lover.

You have sex with a woman and you yell out, Whos your daddy?! Later you learn the womans mother was artificially inseminated…Uncomfortable situation.You tell your aunt youd give your left breast to go to the Jets game. Your aunt then tells you she just had a double mastectomy…Uncomfortable situation.You make fun of the Valtrex commercials. Your faithful girlfriend has a sudden interest in canoeing…Uncomfortable situation.Youre a cannibal. Turns out the people youre staying with are vegetarians…Uncomfortable situation.You think your boyfriend is going to make you an Amsterdam dish. Turns out he meant something else by Dutch Oven…Uncomfortable situation.You go to the doctor for a rectal examination. He says when he uses gloves it just doesnt feel the same…Uncomfortable situation.8) You ask if you can have the day off for Yom Kippur. Your first name is Adolf…Uncomfortable situation.

A Little Boy Comes Running Into The Room and Says, Grandpa! Grandpa! Can You Make A Sound Like A Frog?

The Grandpa says, I Dont Know, Why?

The Little Boy Says, Because Grandma Says As Soon As You Croak, We Can Go To Disneyland!

A new business was opening and one of the owners friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said Rest in Peace.



The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. Sir, Im really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, Congratulations on your new location.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Bolzano!
Bolzano who?
Bolzano the door!