Old and New Jokes

What do you call a fly in a blondes brain? A space invader!

You consider your annual bath one too many.

You wore a baseball cap to the opera.

If you are 20 and you can still go in McDonalds playhouse.

If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?

A writer died and St. Peter offered him the option of going to hell or to heaven. To help decide, he asked for a tour of each destination. St. Peter agreed and decided to take him to hell first. As he descended into the fiery pits, the writer saw row upon row of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes by demons. Oh, my, the writer said, let me see heaven.



A few moments later, as they ascended into heaven, the writer saw row upon row of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes by demons. Hey, the writer said, this is just as bad as hell.



Oh, no its not, St Peter replied, here your work gets published!

A preacher goes into a bar and says Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up. Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says My son, dont you want to go to heaven when you die? The drunk says When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now.

The major cause of auto wrecks is a screw loose in the nut behind the wheel.

Daddy, did Grandad spank you when you were little?

Yes, son

Did Great-Grandad spank Grandad when he was little?

Yes, son

Dont you think its time this family overcame its inherited hooliganism?

An elderly lady came to see a young male doctor with her husband. After the consultation was finished, the elderly man suddenly asked the doctor for a piece of paper and a pen.

Although a strange request, he complied, and the man quickly wrote something, then handed the folded piece of paper to the doctor. He told him to read it as soon as they had left.

The doctor thought that the man perhaps had an embarrassing medical complaint he didnt want to talk about in front of his wife, so the doctor didnt hesitate in obeying the request.

Once the couple had left the room, the doctor sat down and read the piece of paper. Its contents were thus: Doctor, your fly is undone!

Un tipo llega con el médico y, con una voz gangosa, le dice:

Doctor, fíjese que tengo la voz gangosa desde que era adolescente, y la verdad es que no me gusta. Quisiera saber si usted me la puede corregir.

Permítame examinarlo. Abra la boca y diga: a.

El tipo hace lo que el doctor le pide. Cuando éste lo examina, ve que las cuerdas vocales están muy tensas, como si el tipo estuviera cargando algo muy pesado. Enseguida le dice:

Desvístase, voy a continuar examinándolo.

El tipo se desviste, y lo primero que el galeno le ve es una enorme pinga, como de tres cuartas de largo y con un grosor de cuatro pulgadas.

¡Ah! Ya sé que es lo que le ha fregado la voz: es esa verga tan grande que tiene usted; y como le pesa tanto, el esfuerzo no lo deja producir una voz modulada. La única forma de componerle la voz es recortándosela. ¿Qué dice, se lo hago?

¡Claro, doctor, si no hay otra forma! Pero déjeme algo para consolar a mi mujer, demanda el tipo.

Dicho y hecho, el facultativo lo opera y le recorta dos cuartas de falo y, ciertamente, la voz del sujeto se aclara y suena modulada, como si fuera animador de TV. Al llegar a su casa, la mujer del personaje está extrañada con la voz tan agradable que tiene su esposo, y le pregunta qué hizo para lograr esa voz. Éste le cuenta que lo operaron, que le quitaron dos cuartas de príapo y que con eso se le ha mejorado la voz. La señora se pone histérica y le obliga a que regrese con el médico y que nuevamente le injerte las dos cuartas que le recortaron.

El tipo regresa a donde el médico y le advierte que necesita que le vuelva a injertar la parte que le recortó. El doctor, con una voz gangosa, le reprocha:

¡Mire, jovencito, todo lo que se deja olvidado acá en la clínica, ya no se devuelve!

Johnny and Betsy just got married after having graduated as Aggies and are driving to Austin for their honeymoon. Along the way, Johnny, whos at the wheel, reaches over and places his hand on Betsys knee.

Betsy smiles and blushes, and says, Oh Johnny, were married now, you can go farther than that!

So they drove to Laredo for their honeymoon instead.