Old and New Jokes

Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?

A: Unfertilized.

LICENSE TO STEAL

Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper.

Cant Spell

Thomas Lee Jones, 24, was arrested last September for robbing a Santa Barbara restaurant with a note threatening to shot employees. Police set up a roadblock asking people to spell shoot. They soon apprehended Jones.

Cant Count

In Cranston, R.I., Donald M. Thomas, 34, escaped in March after serving 89 days of a 90-day jail sentence for disorderly conduct and thus now faces up to 20 years in prison.

Brain?

Lawry Adams, 27, was arrested in Harrison, N.Y., in Jan. when he was stopped in a routine traffic check and could not produce a drivers license. He gave his brothers name (which he was unable to spell) and his brothers date of birth (but was not able to give the age that corresponds to it).

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunks shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick, and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, Father, what causes arthritis?



Mister, its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man.



Well, Ill be damned, the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.



The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized. Im sorry, I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?



I dont have arthritis, Father, but I just read in the paper that the Pope has does.

If you stare at someone long enough, eventually youll get what you want.
When it comes to having sex, if at first you dont succeed… BEG!
Dont go out without ID.
Leave room in your schedule for a good nap
Always give people a friendly greeting… a cold nose in the crotch is effective.
If its not wet and sloppy… its not a good kiss…

I am not in denial!

How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to screw it up.

Joe Blow the aspiring young executive was late for an
appointment and in the process of doubling the speed limit
in his BMW when a VW beetle pulled out in front of him. He
could not slow down fast enough and slammed into the beetle.
Surprisingly, the BMW was totaled while the beetle was in good
shape. The driver of the compact was amused at the condition
of the two cars.

The exec was so enraged that he had a hard time keeping
from attacking the driver of the VW. The exec drew a large
circle on the ground off to one side.

He said, You get in that circle and stay there, or Im
going to beat the shit out of you! The exec got a tire iron
out of his trunk and smashed the windshield of the beetle.
The man in the circle just smiled. The exec just got madder
and madder. He smashed the headlights and tail lights. When
he looked back, the other man was snickering to himself. This
so infuriated the exec that he smashed in the hood of the
beetle. The other man was laughing so hard that he could
barely stand up.

Unable to stand any more, the frustrated exec tromped away.
About this time a fellow in a pick up truck pulled up and offered
the VW driver a ride. What are you laughing about? He just
trashed your car.

Yeah, the other man replied, but I snuck outside of
that circle three times.

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wifes been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wifes been in an accident.



They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case and they page the doctor.



Doc comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.

Mr. Jones? the doctor asks.

Yes sir, whats happened? How is my wife?



The doctor sits next to him and says, Not good news. Your wifes accident resulted in two fractures of her spine.

Oh my God says Mr. Jones, what will be her prognosis?



Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. Shell have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her.

Mr. Jones begins to sob.



And youll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia.

Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.



Then, of course, the doctor continued, youll have to diaper her as shell have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day.

Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.



The doctor continues: And youll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as shell have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often Im afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent shell be emitting regularly.

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing and sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.



Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder and says –

Hey, Im just messinging with you, dude…

You dont have to do all that stuff – shes dead!

Man standing was the pharmacy counter finishing up on his purchase, while the next lady in line keeps coming up to the counter thinking the gentlemen was finished.

Finally, he moves to the side to allow the impatient lady to come to the counter.

She rushes the pharmacist asking Are you a pharmacist?

He said Yes I am.

Will you please tell me something about viagra? she asked.

The pharmacist said I would be glad to. Well it a prescription medication used for men who are having sexual problems. Your doctor has to write a prescription for this medication.

He also further states Its a great medication, I even take it at times.

The lady then interrupts to ask Can get it over the counter?

If I take two.