Old and New Jokes

Un tipo hosco y mal encarado entra a un banco. De forma prepotente le ordena a la cajera:

¡Quiero abrir una pinche cuenta en este banco de porquería!

¡Por favor, señor, está prohibido hablar de esa manera aquí!

¿Por qué jijos de la chingada no puedo hablar como se me dé mi gana?

¡Señor, le suplico que deje de decir vulgaridades!, solicita la chica con serenidad.

Me vale madres lo que usted piense, yo sólo quiero abrir una maldita cuenta en este banco de mierda!

La cajera, indignada por el comportamiento del grosero individuo, se va y regresa acompañada del gerente del banco para que éste lo ponga en su lugar. El gerente, muy diplomáticamente, se dirige al hombre:

Disculpe, caballero, ¿puedo ayudarle en algo?

¡Vaya pregunta pendeja! ¡Claro que me puedes ayudar, tarado! Me acabo de ganar pinches 50 millones de dólares en la lotería y quiero abrir una cuenta en esta porquería de banco!

¡Ah, ya veo… Y esta estúpida perra mal parida lo está molestando, ¿verdad, pendeja?, responde el gerente cambiando de actitud.

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements: 1. Religion 2. Royalty 3. Sex 4. Mystery

The prize-winning essay read:



My God, said the Queen, Im pregnant. I wonder who did it!

The wife comes home from a night at bingo with a new fur coat. She says Honey, look what I won at bingo.



Next week she comes home from bingo with a large diamond ring. She says,Honey look what I won at bingo.



Next week she come home from bingo driving a new porsche, she says Honey, look what I won at bingo.



The next week as she is preparing to get ready for bingo, the husband asks – Honey shall I draw you a bath? To which she replies Why sure.



As the wife enters the tub she notices there is less than a inch of water in the tub.



She asks how am I supposed to take a bath in this amount of water?



To which the husband replies…

I wouldnt want you to get your bingo card wet!

Dont marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

A: Chirpes. Its one of those canarial diseases. I hear its untweetable.

A large, heavy, blunt object used to forcibly inject
clues into those who have proven otherwise clue-resistant.

Sometimes this is done by inducing unconsciousness, thereby raising the
clue level in a subject who was formerly negatively clued.

Sales person: Hello, may I speak to the man of the house please? Youngster: (whispering) No, hes busy.

Sales person: Well then, can I please speak to your mother? Youngster: (in a whisper) Shes busy too.

Sales person: I see, how about your brother or sister? Can I speak to him? Youngster: (whispering) No. Theyre both busy too.

Sales person: (losing patience) Is there anybody else there I could talk to??? Youngster: (in a whisper) Yeah, the police are here…but they are busy too….

Sales person: ( by now quite exasperated) What are all these people doing that keeps them so busy?!!! Youngster: (still whispering) Looking for me.

A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?" The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!" The Priest looked at him and said, "Thats right." Then he asked "Who is Gods son?" Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct." Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didnt want any more children?" The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and Im going to rip it off!" The priest smiled and said, "Thats right."

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil…

POLITICIAN – A person who divides all available time between running for office and running for cover.

From: Lela Lowe – llowe@admin.aurora.edu

Jay Leno: This is a rough election year. … Huffingtons illegal nanny has started running negative ads against Feinsteins illegal nanny
(Tonight, NBC, 11/4).
David Letterman: Big election on Tuesday and that means just about now Ted Kennedy should be auditioning strippers for the victory party.
(Late Show, CBS, 11/4).
David Letterman, on the ugly campaign: You look at some of these races around the country and you think its just a damn shame somebody has to win.
Letterman: President Clinton is the only president weve ever had who when someone holds up a baby, he doesnt know whether to kiss it or deny knowing the mother
(Late Show, CBS, 11/7).
Jay Leno, on Huffington calling Sens. Barbara Boxer and Dianne Feinstein the Thelma and Louise of CA politics: Thats got to be tough being attacked by the Forrest Gump of American politics.
Leno: You can tell the candidates are getting desperate in the last hours of the campaign. Yesterday, Ollie North stopped lying and Chuck Robb slept with his own wife
(Tonight, NBC, 11/7).
Conan OBrien, on George Foreman knocking out Michael Moorer: Its amazing that a guy in his mid-forties, who cant stop eating cheeseburgers is that powerful. I mean, besides President Clinton
(Late Night, NBC, 11/7).
From: Orlando Doc Griego – ovgcsu@lamar.colostate.edu