Old and New Jokes

If you dont have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

Your mama is so funke



secret told on her.

The National Science Foundation announced the following study results on corporate America recreation preferences:

1. Sport of choice for maintenance level employees: bowling.

2. Sport of choice for front line workers: football.

3. Sport of choice for supervisors: baseball.

4. Sport of choice for middle management: tennis.

5. Sport of choice for corporate officers: golf.

CONCLUSION:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls.

1) Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I dont have.

2) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

3) I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my hand through it.

4) I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

5) A truck backed through my windshield into my wifes face.

6) A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

7) I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the other way.

8) I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

9) In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

10) I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision.

11) I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

12) I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble, when my universal joints gave way, causing me to have an accident.

13) Upon collision and in a flash of blue, I hit my head, twisted my neck, and tossed the lower part of my body out the side window.

14) To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

15) My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

16) An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

17) I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.

18) I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side of the street when I struck him.

19) The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over him.

20) I saw the slow moving, sad faced gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

21) I was thrown from my car as it left the road, I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

22) The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of its way, when it struck the front of my car.

23) The accident occurred with me waving to the man I hit last week.

24) I hit a bus stop sign that was obscured by human beings.

25) The pedestrian was all over the road, I had to swerve a few times before I hit him.

26) A bull was standing near and a fly must have tickled him as he gored my car.

27) A stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

28) I immediately applied my brakes as the vehicle struck the cement wall, thus bringing my car to a complete halt.

29) I left my car unattended for a minute when by accident it ran away.

31) I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress, then we met on impact.

32) I struck the young man with my husbands car. He wanted to call the police but after having a look at my particulars he decided we should go to his apartment and settle things in private.

33) I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became squashed.

34) I thought my car was in reverse but I found otherwise when it lurched forward, doing injury to a parking meter. When the police arrived the meter had expired.

35) I was contemplating continuous travel of a relaxing nature when, without due justification or color of right, my vehicle was struck in the rear by a vehicle driven by a person of obvious sub-normal intelligence.

36) I was on my way through a green light, with 3 witnesses, on the way to the accident that was about to happen.

37) I was thrown from my car as I left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

38) I was unable to control my car when it went berserk and struck another vehicle.

39) I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers left immediately for a vacation with injuries.

40) My car hit a pothole and came to rest approximately fifteen feet below the surface of the road.

41) My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.

42) My mind became confused by a sign that read Free Puppy for Sale. The next thing I remember, I was in the ditch.

43) No one was to blame for the accident but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.

44) The accident happened when a right front door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal.

45) The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

46) The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end showing.

47) The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

48) The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front fender, removed his left rear tail light.

49) The other driver looked like the usual lane-hopping type with thick horn rimmed glasses, pimply faced, brown suit and thick soled shoes.

50) The other driver struck my car with an Expired Drivers License then left the scene of the accident.

51) There was a heavy fog and I was unable to find the traffic lights. A witness told the police that the other driver had the lights with him when he entered the intersection.

52) When I pressed the windshield spray button my car left the road and struck a fire hydrant. I was unable to see the road because of the spray. My windows are clean.

53) When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

Why did the Siamese twins move to England?

So the other one could drive.

Whats the difference between a Jewish American Princess and a barracuda?

Nail polish.

Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wifes new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

I work for customer service at AT&T, and we often have to deal with the most confounding questions and responses from customers. Here are a few taken from a compilation called Thank You for Calling AT&T.



Thanks for calling AT&T, this is Londa.

Who did I Call? LONDON?

No, this is Londa.

WHERE? LONDON, ENGLAND?



Ive been on hold four months.



Can you tell me if my calling card is in my wallet?



I was trying to abuse my calling card, and its just not working!



So…which adult party line would YOU choose?



Is 30% more than 10%?



I want you to check my bill to see if I would save money on a different plan.

Id be glad to do that. May I have your area code and phone number?

Youll have to look it up. Its a non-published number. I dont give it out.



I think youre screwing me! Im going to throw my phone out the window with me in it!



To place a call, you just dial 1-800-OPERATOR.

How do you spell operator? Im not a math wizard, you know.



I didnt make those calls…I cant even read or write!



Where is area code 900?



I want to tell you about this phone I invented. The AT&T operator was very rude to me-IS THIS SPRINT?



Is October before or after November?



Hello, can I have the number for AT&T?



Is this an average size bill for you?

I think so…its usually around 3 by 5.



I just dialed a wrong 800 number. Will I be charged?



That call is to an adult entertainment line.

Oh, well, at least hes still interested!



I need credit on my bill because my dad died tomorrow and Im broke.



I just dialed this psycho line and its disconnected!



I want to know what I can do about harassing phone calls. These people are threatening me and my wife, and now they are getting obscene with my daughter! I dont know who ti is…they always call collect.



I want L-O-R-D as my PIN number, but dont use my wifes name as the card number. It has 666 in the middle.



Can I put money in this pay phone?



When I dial my motherland, she is not very good speaking!



No, maam, AT&T will not call the police if you dont pay your bill.



I lost my checkbook tonight, and I need to cancel my checks.



Is there anything else I can help you with?

Not unless you know any hookers in Rock Hill.



Hi…I have a sticker on my phone that says, Call ATT, so Im calling.



Can you tell me where this 900 number goes?

That is a True Confessions line.

But we are not Catholic!



All my calls are within a 20-mile-an-hour radius.



How can I help you?

You can get this dog and cat off of me!!!



What countries do you usually call?

Germany and New Jersey.



Can you hold…I have a fire going on in here.



Zero-zero? I just dial those three numbers? Thats all?



My boyfriend is in the Forest Service and hes been on fire all week.



I want you to freeze my phone bill. Ive got permission from God.



Our Fraud Department will be investigating these calls.

The Frog Department? Would you spell that?



AT&T is responsible for the swastikas on my door yesterday!



Im calling from my condom and I cant get out…did I just say condom? I

meant CONDO!



What state do you live in?

Taylorsville.



Im going to church to see if God can explain my phone bill to me.

I can explain it to you, maam.

Yeah, but I like His explanations better.



Can I get your name, please?

Who.

Yous. Can you give me your name, please?

Yes…my name is spelled H-U.



I was justrying to call 1-800-FUN-COLOR to choose turquoise blue as my favorite for the new M&M colors, but I got Skylab! The FBI isnt going to arrest me, are they?



I need a number I called recently. It should be on my next bill.

Im sorry, sir. Those calls are stored on magnetic tape. We dont see them until the bill is printed.

Then go listen to the tape!

Sir, those tapes are in a storage facility.

Thats okay. Ill wait.



And, last but not least…



How do you make a pound cake?

Yo mamma is so fat when she fell she made the grand canyon.