Old and New Jokes

A blonde went to a hair dressers one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off. The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blondes hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard…breath in…breath out…breath in…breath out…!

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.

The frog says, This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?

No, says the psychic. Next semester in her biology class.

Un señor llega borracho a su casa a las cuatro de la mañana, y como no tenía llave se dirigió al patio de su casa. De repente ve que el perro de su casa tiene un lorito muerto en la boca, y el tipo dice:

¡Dios mío!, si es el lorito de la señora del lado.

Al señor le dio pena y puso al lorito en la jaula de la vecina y se acuesta a dormir. Al otro día se despierta y ve que su esposa está llorando y le pregunta:

¿Amor, por qué estas llorando?

Y le dice su esposa:

Es que se murió la vecina del lado.

Cómo va a ser, si ayer la vi bien y en perfectas condiciones.

Y le dice la esposa:

Es que le dio un infarto esta mañana. Porque ayer había enterrado al lorito que se le murió y se le apareció en la jaula esta mañana.

Divorce is bachelorhood, with strings attached…

Tis better to have loved and lost….than have to live with the bitch the rest of my life.

What do you call a woman without an asshole? Divorced.

My ex-wife is like a good laxative…she irritates the shit out of you.

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Divorce is having your genitals torn off through your wallet. – Robin Williams

Love is grand. Divorce is at least 20 grand.

When I got divorced, my wife and I split the house. I got the outside and she got the inside.

Of all the new weight loss programs and exercise videos available, divorce is still the most effective. Where else can you get rid of 205 pounds in a quick 90 days.

Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. – Ambrose Pierce

When does a woman stop masturbating? After the divorce is finalized.

Says Jim after the divorce was finally settled – Eh, I didnt care for some of her habits…I mean, she was a slob! Every time I went to take a piss, she always had dirty dishes laying there in the sink!

Two guys are talking in a bar. The first one says, My ex-wives were great housekeepers. The first one kept the house, the second one kept the house….

What do tornadoes and marriage have in common? At first, theres a lot of blowing and sucking. Then when its over, your whole house is gone.

I blame my divorce on my ex-husbands calculating mind. He put two and two together.

How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? When your lawyer doesnt seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.

What is the difference between Saddam Hussein and your ex-wifes lawyer? Compared with the lawyers demands, Husseins are reasonable.

There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shitheads.

How do you catch a polar bear?

You dig a hole in the ice and place peas all around it, and when the
polar bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole!

A man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it.



For the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea for a ship to come to his rescue. One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came a rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen — or at least in last 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blonde hair flowed in the sea breeze.



He watched as she rowed her boat toward him.



As she arrived at the beach, he asked, Where did you come from, how did you get here?



She said, I rowed from the other side of the island.. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank



Amazing, he said, I didnt know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there?



It is only me, she said. Would you like to row over to my place?



They both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.



The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm

tree, and there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. Its not much, she said, but I call it home. Have a seat. Would you like a drink?



No, said the man, one more coconut juice and I will puke.



It wont be coconut juice, the woman replied, I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?



Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.



You look great, said the woman, I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable.



After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leaves strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.



Tell me, she purred, we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you really miss? She moved closer

to him. Something that all men and woman need? Something that it would be really nice to have right now?



Yes there is, now that you mention it, the man replied, moving closer to her. Tell me, do you happen to have an Internet connection?

This came through Last night, on soc.religeon.paganism.

——
Copyright 1993, John L. Shepard. Permission is given to repost as
long as the contents are unaltered and this notice is attached.

Minor additions by SBAT Chapter made with the authors permission.

THE CHOCOLATE RITUAL

Materials required:

On the altar are

brown candles,
a Tootsie Roll (the great big one- as the athame),
a large glass with milk in it (the chalice),
a small dish of Hersheys Syrup and a spoon,
a small dish of chocolate sprinkles,
a plate of cupcakes,
some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet,
and small dish of chocolate ice cream.

The Celebrants

Handmaiden (Henceforth known as Swiss Miss)
High Priestess (Henceforth known as Betty Crocker)
Page (Henceforth known as Pillsbury Dough Boy)
High Priest (Henceforth known as Mr. Goodbar)

Cleanse the Sacred Space

Pillsbury Dough Boy take the small dish of chocolate sprinkles

Chocolate sprinkles where thou art cast
No calories in thy presence last.
Let no harm adhere to me
And as I will so mote it be!

Swiss Miss take the small dish of Hersheys Syrup, spoon and large
glass
with milk

Hersheys Syrup where thou art cast
Turn this milk to chocolate, fast.
Let all good things come unto me,
and make my milk all chocolatey!

Cast The Circle

Betty Crocker using a tootsie roll as athame walks around the circle
three
times

Mr. Goodbar intones the invocation

In the beginning,
there was the word.
And the word was Chocolate.
And it was good.
Confections: 1.5 oz., 240 cal.

Call the Quarters

Betty Crocker
Mousse of the East, Fluffy one!
Great princess of the palace of dessert!
Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all moochers
approaching from the East.

Pillsbury Dough Boy
Fondue of the South, Molten one!
Great prince of the palace decadence!
Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all diets
approaching from the South.

Swiss Miss
Cocoa of the West, Satisfying one!
Great princess of the palace of thirst quenchers!
Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all carob
approaching from the West.

Mr. Goodbar
Rocky Road of the North, Cold one!
Great prince of the palace of crunchy comfort food!
Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all cheap
imitations approaching from the North.

MAIN RITUAL

Pillsbury Dough Boy
Listen to the words of the Mother of Chocolate, who was of old called:
Godiva, Suzi Q, Little Debbie, Dolly Madison, Fanny Farmer, Sara Lee,
and by many other names:

Swiss Miss
Whenever you have one of those cravings,
once in a while and better it be when your checkbook is full,
then shall you assemble in a great public place
and bring offerings of money to the spirit of Me,
who is Queen of all Goodies.

In the mall shall you assemble,
you who have eaten all of your chocolate and are hungry for more.
To you I shall bring Good Things for your tongue.
And you shall be free from depression.
And as a sign that you are truly free,
you shall have chocolate smears on your cheeks,
and you shall munch, nosh, snack, feast, and make yummy noises all in
my
presence.

For mine is the ecstasy of theobromine,
and mine is also the joy on earth,
yea, even into high orbit
for my law is melts in your mouth, not in your hand.
Keep clean your fingers,
carry Wet Ones always,
let none keep you from Me.

For Mine is the secret that opens your mouth,
and Mine is the taste that puts a smile on your lips
and comfy padding pounds on your hips.
I am the gracious Goddess who gives the gift of joy
onto the tummies of women and men.

Upon earth, I give knowledge of all things delicious,
and beyond death
well, I cant do much there.
Sorry about that.

I demand only your money in sacrifice,
for behold,
chocolate is a business,
and you have to pay for those truffles
before you eat them.

Pillsbury Dough Boy
Hear now the words of the Goodie Goddess,
she in the dust of whose feet are the cheap imitations,
whose body graces candy racks and finer stores everywhere:

Betty Crocker
I, who am the beauty of chocolate chips,
and the satisfying softness of big bars,
the mystery of how they get the filling inside truffles,
and fill the hearts of all but Philistines with desire,
call unto thy soul to arise and come unto Me.

For I am the soul of candy,
from Me do all confections spring,
and unto Me all of you shall return,
again…. and again… and again…. and again.

Before My smeared face,
beloved of women and men,
thine innermost divine self shall be enfolded in the rapture of
overdose.
Let My taste be within thy mouth that rejoices.
For behold, all acts of yumminess and pleasure are My rituals.

Therefore let there be gooeyness and mess,
crispness and crackling,
big slabs and bite size pieces,
peanut butter and chocolate covered cherries all within you.

And you who think to seek Me,
know that your seeking and yearning shall avail you not
unless you know the Mystery:
We shall sell no chocolate until you pay for it

For behold:
I have been with you since you were just a baby,
and I am that which is attained at nearly any shop in the land.
Messed be.

Pillsbury Dough Boy
Hear now the words of the Chocolate God, who was of old called:
Milton Snavely Hershey, 3 Muskateers, Fudgesicle, Devil Dog, Mars,
Willy
Wonka and by many other names:

Mr. Goodbar
I am the strength of the candy rack,
and the piece that fell on the floor but looks like it may not have
gotten
too dirty, and the deepest bitterness of dark chocolate.

No matter how you try to resist the call of chocolate,
I will hunt you out,
and I will become your sacred prey.

I am warmth of hot cocoa in the dead of winter,
and the call of the road that leads you to that really expensive
Godiva
store downtown.

I give you My creatures,
the fire of love of chocolate,
the power of jaw strength to bite off a piece of that frozen Milky Way
bar
and the shelter of Haagen Dazs when that big date didnt work out.

You are dear to Me,
and I instill in you the power of a piece of chocolate that you had
forgotten you had hidden, and the power of vision and magickal sight
with which you can spot a candy counter a mile away.

By the powers of the half melted bar in the glorious sun,
I charge you,
by the darkest depths of the bottom of the cocoa pot
and lingering smell of bittersweet chocolate, I charge you,
and by the beauty of a perfectly formed Reeses Peanut Butter Cup, I
charge
you.

Follow your heart and your instinct, wherever they lead you.
The wealth in your pocket can buy you treats that a Mayan king would
envy.
Take joy in that first bite of lecithin emulsified cocoa,
and in the last satisfying slurp of Yoo-Hoo.

Yet you must be wary of deceit.
Eat not of that which is called baking chocolate,
for it is vile and bitter.

Lastly, always remember to leave some chocolate behind you.
Be not greedy,
but let yourself be known as a connoisseur.
Leave a little for someone else.

I am with you always,
just over your shoulder,
or around the next corner.

I am the Lord of Chocolate,
and when you have reached the end of you hoard,
I will never be further away from you than that 7-Eleven on the
corner.

I am the spirit of the wild child,
the inner child who can never get quite enough.
If you are a true chocolate lover,
then your soul and mine are intertwined.

Cupcakes and Yoo-Hoo

Blessing of the Yoo-Hoo

Mr. Goodbar
Be it known that milk chocolate is not better than dark chocolate

Betty Crocker
Nor is dark chocolate better than milk chocolate

Pillsbury Dough Boy
For both are better than the falsely named white chocolate

Swiss Miss
And neither one is carob

Mr. Goodbar
As the frosting is to the cupcake

Betty Crocker
So the creamy nougat is to the Milky Way bar

Pillsbury Dough Boy
And when they are eaten,
they are yummy in truth,

Swiss Miss
for there is no greater snack in all the world
than one made of chocolate.

blessing of the cupcakes

Mr. Goodbar & Pillsbury Dough Boy
Frosting is keen

Betty Crocker & Swiss Miss
And frosting is neat

Mr. Goodbar, Pillsbury Dough Boy, Betty Crocker & Swiss Miss
Great Goddess! Lets eat!

Feasting and Drinking

Dismiss Quarters

Betty Crocker
Oh, ye mighty goodies of the East,
we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle,
and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms,
we say unto you,

All participants
Choooooooc-laaaaate

Pillsbury Dough Boy
Oh, ye mighty goodies of the South,
we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle,
and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms,
we say unto you,

All participants
Choooooooc-laaaaate

Swiss Miss
Oh, ye mighty goodies of the West,
we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle,
and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms,
we say unto you,

All participants
Choooooooc-laaaaate

Mr. Goodbar
Oh, ye mighty goodies of the North,
we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle,
and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms,
we say unto you,

All participants
Choooooooc-laaaaate

Mr. Goodbar: After all quarters have been dismissed, give a final
satisfying
belch at the east

Open Circle

Pillsbury Dough Boy
Go now in perfect love,
perfect trust,
and perfect chocolate

El amante llega donde su amada, pero ella está en su período menstrual.

Mi amor, hoy no se va a poder estoy con la mensual.

¡Pues te va a tocar por el anual!, responde tajante él.

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:

People in glass houses shouldnt . . . run around naked.



Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader.



Strike while the . . . bug is close.



Its always darkest before . . . daylight savings time.



Never underestimate the power of . . . termites.



You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?



Dont bite the hand that . . . looks dirty.



No news is . . . impossible.



A miss is as good as a . . . Mr.



You cant teach an old dog . . . math.



If you lie down with dogs, you . . . will stink in the morning.



Love all, trust . . . me.



The pen is mightier than . . . the pigs.



An idle mind is . . . the best way to relax.



Where there is smoke, there is . . . pollution.



Happy is the bride who . . . gets all the presents.



A penny saved is . . . not much.



Two is company, three is . . . The Musketeers.



None are so blind as . . . Helen Keller.



Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded.



If at first you dont succeed . . . get new batteries.



You get out of something what you . . . see pictured on the box.



When the blind lead the blind . . . get out of the way.



There is no fool like . . . Aunt Edie.

An acher of bacteriologists A murmur of cardiologists A stain of cytotechnologists A rash of dermatologists A speck of forensic pathologists A poke of gynecologists A vessel of heart surgeons A clot of hematologists A nursery of obstetricians A dose of pharmacists A pile of proctologists A G-spot of sex therapists A stream of urologists