Old and New Jokes

How is a computer like an air conditioner? When you open Windows it wont work!

Top 10 signs you bought a bad christmas tree:

10. Two feet tall, forty feet wide

9. Salesmans opening line: Youre not a cop, are you?

8. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers stuck into it

7. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride

6. Each branch has Duraflame printed on it

5. Keeps heckling while you try to do a lame top ten list

4. Its very small and says Air Freshener on it

3. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours

2. Some guy named Mujibur puts a cheap Statue of Liberty on top of it

1. Constantly bragging about its trunk size

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if thats your pa.

A blonde appeared at the Pearly Gates seeking admission. The gate keeper said there was a test that had to be passed before continuing to paradise, and that the test consisted of three questions.



The blonde said, Go ahead, ask the questions.



O.K. said the angel. For the first question, tell me which two days of the week begin with the letter T.



Thats easy, said the candidate for admission. Today and Tomorrow.



Hmmmm, said the angel. Well I cant argue with that. Now for the second question, tell me how many seconds there are in a year.



There are twelve, said the candidate.



Twelve?! exclaimed the angel. How do you figure that?



Well, theres January second, February second, March second, etc.



O.K. mused the angel. For the third question, tell me Gods first name.



Gods first name is Andy.



Oh? What makes you say that? asked the angel.



And the candidate replied, Its right there in the song. (the candidate begins singing an excerpt from the hymn, In The Garden)

And He walks with me, And He talks with me, And He tells me I am His own…

Six Bad Days

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400-day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally…

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didnt pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with return to sender stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now! Your days not so bad, is it?

One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.

Then came the second half…

First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss.

The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.

Who made that tackle? asked the ant.

I did, said the centipede.

Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss.

Back in the huddle the flea asked, Who made that great stop? I did, said the centipede.

Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss.

Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, Where were you in the first half?

The centipede replied, Puttin on my shoes!

Este era un joven al que toda su vida sus padres le dijeron que la vagina tenía dientes. Un día, conoce a una joven que lo invita a su casa. Ella se desnuda y le dice:

Soy toda tuya.

El tipo, enfurecido, le reclama:

¿Estás loca? ¡Cochina de mierda, eres una perra! Tienes dientes en tu vagina y quieres comerme el pene.

¡No, imbécil! ¿Quién te dijo semejante estupidez?

¡Sí, si tienes dientes en la vagina!

¡Cómo crees eso!

Sí, mis padres toda mi vida me han dicho que la vagina tiene dientes y tú sólo quieres comerme el pene. ¡Maraca!

Mira, mete el dedito para que veas que no tengo dientes.

¡Estás loca, me lo morderás!

¡No seas estúpido!, le grita al tiempo que toma la mano del joven y la introduce en la vagina.

¿Tengo dientes, hijo de puta?

¡No, pero tienes las encías hechas mierda!

If any of you guys out there have ever thought you have balls, forget about
it. This is a true story that just happened at a wedding at Clemson.

This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the
reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long
distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank
the brides and grooms families for coming.

To thank everyone for coming and bring gifts and everything, he said he
wanted to give everyone a gift from him.So taped to the bottom of everyones
chair was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told
them to open it.

Inside the manilla envelope was an 8×10 picture of his best man having sex
with the bride. (He must have gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired
a private detective to trail them.) After he stood there and watched
peoples reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and
said Screw You, he turned to the bride and said Screw You, and then said Im
out of here.

He got the marriage annulled the next day.

While most of us would have broken it off immediately after we found out
about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway. His revenge: making
the brides parents pay for a 300 guest wedding and reception, letting
everyone know exactly what did happen, and trashing the brides and best
mans reputations in front of friends, family, grandparents, etc.

This is his world, we just live in it.

Bill Clinton was arriving back to the White House from a trip to Arkansas with a pig under each arm. A secret serviceman greeted him.
Nice pigs, sir!
Thank you. Though these are no ordinary pigs — theyre Arkansas Razorbacks! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea.
Nice trade, sir!

Un raton venía muy alegre por una vereda de la selva, cuando de repente crudos rugidos

desviaron su atención y le entró curiosidad por saber de que se trataba.

Al abrirse paso entre las ramas pudo ver a una enorme pantera negra quejándose de dolor, porque se había clavado una espina en una de sus patas. La pantera le pidio de favor que le ayudara a sacar la tremenda espina. El ratón, al ver que la pantera estaba indefensa decide quitarle la espina.

La pantera agradecida le dice al ratón:Muchísimas gracias, mi muy querido ratón.

Y el ratón, encabronado, le responde: Nada de gracias, yo no ayudo por nada, vete dando la vuelta por favor.

La pantera, muerta de risa, acepta sin ninguna preocupación.

En medio de plena acción del ratón, pasa un cazador, apunta a la pantera, suelta el disparo

y le da en una pata. La pantera, enjaretada de dolor, empieza a soltar rujidos que se escuchan en toda la selva.

El ratón se emociona mucho más y le dice con una gran satisfacción:

¡Gózala, morena!