1. Debug code developed 4 years ago for a rush project with absolutely no documentation? Love to!
2. More documentation? Love to!
3. Why would anyone who spends every day of the week working on a computer want to spend any of their free time playing computer games?
4. Join in a Quake game? No thanks, Im leaving early to spend some quality time with my friends and family.
5. Please – not pizza again.
6. Who wrote this? Ive never seen such clean code! It should take me no time at all to debug it.
7. Im really more of a morning person myself.
8. Id really like to work in a big corporate environment where I can wear all of my favorite ties.
9. Microsoft – all the tools and support youll ever need.
10. I really dont know the answer to that question.
11. From a network guy – No Im sure its not an application issue – I probably just havent segmented the LAN correctly – Ill get right on that.
12. From a developer – I have complete confidence in the network so why dont I just take a look at my code.
13. Its too simple, need more tables.
14. This field name is too descriptive, we love mystery here.
15. Please let me copy those 800MB source files over the network with my 32MB of RAM machine.
16. Yeah, give administrator permissions to EVERYBODY.
17. It will be done before deadline, under budget and with the extra features you wanted.
18. Oh, wow, more reports!!! WooHoo!!!
19. Data integrity?!?!? we dont need no stinkin data integrity.
20. Go ahead, put that zip code in the Street name field.
21. We can always manually correct all those bad entries.
22. Theres no real difference between Text Strings and Numbers, its all zeros and ones after all…
23. Hey! I met the deadline! Woohoo!
24. Please let me wear a shirt and tie to work… I hate flip-flops.
25. Can you make a last minute change to the data structure. I like pressure.
26. Hey, call Microsoft! I bet they have the answer!
Just when you think youve won the rat race, along come faster rats.
Youre driving me Nucking Futs!
Are you bewildered by the fluctuations in the stock market. If so, you are not alone. The answer is really simple. The market has nothing to do with the profitability of a firm. It has only to do with the expectations of investors as to what future profitability might be.
Take the meteoric rise and abrupt fall in Merck stock recently. As you probably know Merck is an old established chemical and drug company which has always been profitable. They are a leader in cardiac (Vasotec, Hydrodiuril) and arthritic (Decadron, Indocin) drugs. Their growth has been stabile but not spectacular. So why the sudden changes in their stock.
Well, it seems that Merck researchers have developed a breakthrough drug in the treatment of depression, especially effective in the depression common in adolescent women. This new drug, dihydromethylfluxotine or the brand name proposed, Ufouria, has been undergoing extensive double blind studies in the United States and Sweden and preliminary reports indicated that this was a significant advance in therapy being highly effective without the distressing side effects of related drugs such as Prozac.
News of the preliminary results reached the market. It was the consensus of market analysts that Ufouria would have the same effect on Mercks profits that Viagra had had on Pfizers. The newsletters all recommended immediate buying and the price of Merck stock soared 220% in less than a week, and continued to rise slowly over the next several months.
Finally enough data was available to petition the Federal Drug Administration to release the drug. In analyzing the results, a strange occurrence was noted. It seems that a large portion of the teen-aged girls treated with Ufouria had abruptly left home to join a convent.
Well, needless to say, the F. D. A. refused to licence Ufouria and stock prices tumbled. In their denial, the F. D. A. cited as the reason that … Ufouria was habit forming.
(By Stan Kegel)
No, you may not borrow my underwear, Mr. Kaczynski.
In my professional opinion, if I were a 50-year-old virgin, Id go freakin nuts, too!
I give up, Ted – whats black & red and charred all over?
Boy BOMB! Girl BOMB! Airport BOMB! Okay, thats enough word association.
Look, Ted – Im no lawyer, but Ive got doubts about your Prairie Oyster defense.
That ink blot looks like the oppressive technocratic regime attempting to enslave our free minds … or maybe a bunny rabbit.
Would you *please* stop making that ticking noise?!
Actually, Ted, Id prefer you *fax* me your manifesto.
Why dont you and I run away together? I know a great little unheated cottage in the middle of nowhere!
You read the entire manifesto? Geez, and they think *Im* crazy!
Now tell me again, Ted – which one is Itchy?
I *must* be insane – to sell name-brand VCRs and televisions at such low prices!!! This Friday only, at Krazy Teds Electronics Outlet!!!
Man, that OJ is a nut, isnt he?
Okay, Marvin Gardens with three houses, thats $875….
and the Number 1 Thing Overheard Between the Unabomber and the Psychiatrist …
Violent fantasies?! Hey, youre the one showing me all these inkblot pictures of explosions.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
Ruminations & Ponderances
A great way for to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much.
(Thanks to Frank Varano)
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, Im so sure you can hear me thinking. Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
Three nuns were talking.
The first nun said, I was cleaning the Fathers room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!
What did you do? the other nuns asked.
Well, of course I threw them all in the trash.
The second nun said, Well, I can top that. I was in the Fathers room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms.
Oh my, gasped the other nuns. What did you do? they asked.
I poked holes in all of them she replied.
The third nun said, Oh shit.
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. Hed scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu: appetizers, lobster, champagne . . . the works. Finally he asked her, Does your Mother feed you like this at home?
No, she said, but my Mothers not looking to get laid, either.
U.S.Air: When you just cant wait for the world to come to you.
U.S.Air: Were Amtrak with wings.
Join our frequent near-miss program.
On certain flights, every section is a smoking section.
Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
Our staff has had lots of experience consoling next-of-kin.
Are our jet engines too noisy? Dont worry. Well turn them off.
Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
The kids will love our inflatable slides.
You think its so easy, get your own damn plane!
Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
U.S.Air: We may be landing on your street.
U.S.Air: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
Bring a bathing suit.
Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.
That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.
Fly U.S.Air. Find out if there really is a God.
U.S.Air: A real man lands where he wants to.
Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it and says, Mummy, what is that long thing?
His mother replies, That son, is the elephants trunk. No, at the other end. That son is the tail. No, mummy, the thing under the elephant. A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, Thats nothing.
The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question. Daddy, what is that long thing?
Thats the trunk, son replies the father. No at the other end. Oh, that is the tail. No, no daddy, the thing below, asks the son in desperation. That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son? Well mummy said it was nothing, says the boy. Replies the father: I tell you, I spoil that woman …