Old and New Jokes

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ill have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

A mans house is on fire. He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside.

Then he runs back in and gets his daughter and brings her outside.

Then his wife.

Then the dog.

Then he goes back in a couple of times without bringing out anybody.

So a fireman asks him, Why are you going back in there?

The man replies, Im turning over my mother in law.

One day a good Jewish couple were lamenting over their teenage son wondering what would become of him in life.

Finally the father came up with an idea. On the credenza in the dining room, he would place a $20.00 bill, a copy of the Old Testament and a double shot of whiskey.

Then he and his wife would hide in the closet when their son came home and watch to see what item he would select. If he took the $20.00 he would be a frugal and successful businessman.

If he took the Old Testament he would be a respected Rabbi.

And if he selected the whiskey hed end up a no-good stinking drunk bum – but at least theyd know.

When all the items were layed out on the credenza the couple hid in a nearby closet. Not long after the teenage son arrived home and walked into the dining room.

After looking over the items layed out before him he picked up the $20.00 and stuffed in his pocket. He then picked up the Old Testament and placed in under his arm. Finally he picked up the glass of whiskey, downed the contents and walked out the door.

The father began sobbing uncontrollably.

Whatevers wrong? asked the mother.

And the man replied Our sons going to be a Catholic Priest!

One day, three men were walking through the jungle when they were captured by cannibals. They were taken before the cannibal king who said they shall be executed and then eaten. The king said they could avoid this terrible fate if they could past the ancient tribal tests. So, the three men agreed to take the tests. The king said for the first part of the test they must go into the jungle and gather ten fruits of the same variety and bring them back. So, escorted by cannibals, the three men went off in different directions to get their fruits.
The first man returned carrying ten apples. The king said for the second part of the test, the men must put all ten fruits up his anal tract without making any facial expressions. So, the man put the first apple in without any problems, but on the second apple he flinched with pain. So, the cannibals killed him and ate him, and the man went to heaven.
The second man returned carrying ten little berries. The king explained to him the rules. So, the man began. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8, but on the 9th berry he broke out in laughter. So, the cannibals killed him and ate him, and he went to heaven.
Well, the second man and the first man met in heaven. The first man asked, Man, why did you laugh? You almost pulled it off.
To which the second man replied, I couldnt help it. I got to the 9th berry, and I noticed the other guy brought back watermelons.

In a Tacoma, Washington mens clothing store: 15 mens wool suits, $10. They wont last an hour!

On a shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament-Ears pierced

Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?

In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me?

I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when shes done just give her 10 hail Marys and Ill be right back.



Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex. Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 hail Marys would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an alter boy, Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?



In reply the alter boy said,



Two Snickers bars and a Coke.

When white man found this land, Indians were running it.

No Taxes …

No Debt …

Plenty Buffalo …

Plenty beaver!

Women did most of the work.

Medicine Man free!

Indian men hunted and fished all the time!

White man came and told the Indian, Were going to make your life better.

Yeah, right!

ftom a Crazie Site, http://crazie.net/

Once upon a time there was a boy who proposed to a girl:Will you marry me?The girl said NOSo the boy lived happily ever after, went fishing, hunting, played golf and drank all the beer he wanted…THE END

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen; I was cooking and baking and moanin and twitchin.

Ive been here for hours, I cant stop to rest. This rooms a disaster, just look at this mess!

Tomorrow Ive got forty people to feed. They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!

My feet are both blistered, and cramps in my legs. The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.

Theres a knock at the door and the telephones ringing; Frosting drips on the counter as the microwaves dinging.

Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done, My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.

Ive had all I can stand, I cant take anymore; Then in walks my husband, spilling bourbon on the floor.

He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady; Then grins as he chuckles The eggnog is ready!

He looks all around and with total regret, Says, Whats taking so long…. Arent you through in here yet??

As quick as a flash I reach for a knife; He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!

He flees from the room in terror and pain, And screams MY GOD WOMAN, YOURE GOING INSANE!!

Now what was I doing, and what is that smell? Oh damn its the pies!! Theyre burned all to hell!!

I hate to admit when I make a mistake, But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.

What else can go wrong?? Is there still more ahead? If this is good living, Id rather be dead.

Lord, dont get me wrong, I love holidays; It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.

But I promise you one thing, If I live till next year, You wont find me pulling my hair out in here.

Ill hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter! And if that doesnt work, ILL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!!!

There were two Indians and a Polish fellow walking along together in the desert. All of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up this hill to the mouth of a cave. He stopped and hollered into the cave… Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo! and then listened very closely until he heard the answer…Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Polish fellow was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was that Indian goofy or something.

No, said the other Indian. It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!, and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you. Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo! When he heard the return, Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!, off came the clothes and into the cave he goes.

The Polock started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the Indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave. As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, Man! Look at the size of that cave! Its bigger then the ones that those Indians found. There must really be something really great in this cave! Well… he took-off up the hill at a super fast speed with his hopes of ecstasy and grandeur. He got in front of the cave and hollered, Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo! He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of, WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!

Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave.

The next day, in the newspaper, the head lines read: NAKED POLOCK RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN!!!