28
Aug

Dos enanos viejos y solteros,

Dos enanos viejos y solteros, que nunca en su vida habían tenido relaciones sexuales, deciden ir con unas prostitutas a un hotel y hospedarse en habitaciones contiguas.

A la mañana siguiente se encuentran:

¿Cómo te fue anoche?

Mal, nunca se me pudo parar y no pude tener sexo con ella. ¿Y a ti cómo te fue?

A mí me fue peor…

Lo has de decir para que no me sienta mal, porque yo oí como rechinaba tu cama y, además, te escuchabas agitado.

No es lo que tú crees: ¡En toda la noche no pude subirme a la cama!

28
Aug

Real Life

Walking along the beach, John tripped over a half-buried kerosene
lantern. He rubbed its side and sure enough, a genie materialized.

I cant grant your wishes, explained the freed spirit, But Ill
give you three gifts for releasing me: a potion to cure ill health, a
very large diamond, and a dinner date with a famous movie star. By
tomorrow afternoon, you will have received all these gifts.

When John returned home from work the next evening, he excitedly
asked his mother if anything had been delivered.

Yes, she replied. Its been an unusual day. At 2 pm, a 55 gallon
drum of chicken soup arrived. About a half-hour later, a telegram came
saying that a long-lost relative had left you a minor-league baseball
stadium. Ten minutes ago, MGM called, inviting you to dinner with Lassie
tonight.

27
Aug

Question answer

Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?
All of them, a crossbar cant jump!

Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?
They prefer cricket matches!

What stories are told by basketball players?
Tall stories!

27
Aug

Top 10 Things You Dont Want Dubya to Say

10) My fellow Americans, I have been lying to you all this time. These two beautiful twin daughters I have? Theyre clones. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!
9) My fellow Americans, I have to admit to something. I accidentaly pushed the wrong button on my trip to the SAC base. Me being my red-necked self, I pushed the red button that sent off the missles to Russia. Say your prayers.
8) My fellow Americans, I have to ask one thing. Whats a law?
7) My fellow Americans, we sadly admit that Mr. Cheney is no longer with us. After another heart attack, he has been forced to retire. I shall have to retire too, because without him Im a lost cause.
6) Another thing to admit. Mr. Bush Sr., my father, is really my brother.
5) And my wife is really my mother.
4) My fellow Americans, I am a clone!!!!
3) My fellow Americans, I have to tell you all something that happened back in November. I rigged the votes. Its been on my small hillbilly mind all this time. Gore really won, but dont tell him (the loser). Oh, did I say that out loud?
2) My fellow Americans, as we speak an asteroid is heading toward Earth. You are all going to die. The key word is you. You. I have a one way ticket to the U.S. space station, where Ill watch and see you all get blown away by the rock, and Ill laugh evilly from my little room up in space, safe. Unlike you suckers! Ha!
1) I would just like to tell the young Americans that you can just say no to drugs. Just say no. Drugs are bad. Drugs are very bad. That is all. Of course, if I could tell them my side of the story, I would tell them that drugs are very refreshing. I was an addict when I was younger, and it attracts the ladies. Im not just talking ladies either. I was popular after I smoked. I was cool. It was the one time in my life when I felt accepte …. oh… what? Were still on the air? Oh? Is that what that red glowing light means? Uh… WE ARE NOW EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

26
Aug

Colvards Logical Premises: All

Colvards Logical Premises: All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it wont.

26
Aug

Very large Bic cigarette lighter

Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says Wow, cool lighter…where did you get it?

A genie from a bottle granted me one wish.

Great, can I try it?

Sure.

First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. You are granted one wish says the genie.

The guy says, I want a million bucks!

Done says the genie and disappears. A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

I cant believe this, says the guy who had just placed his wish, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!

The second guy then says, Do you really think I wished for a 12 Bic?

25
Aug

Una seora divorciada enviaba todos

Una señora divorciada enviaba todos los meses a su hijo a que le pidiera la mensualidad a su ex-marido. El señor cae en la cuenta de que el muchacho ya había cumplido 18 años, y decide que ya no le daría nada. El joven llegó, como de costumbre, y el tipo le suelta:

Dile a tu madre que ya cumpliste 18 años, y que ya no tengo ninguna obligación de mantenerte. Y que cómo la ve desde ahí.

El mozuelo va con su madre y le cuenta lo que dijo el hombre, finalizando la información así:

… y por último me dijo: Y que cómo la ve desde ahí.

Regresa y dile a ese viejo que gracias por los 18 años que te mantuvo, y que él no es tu padre y que cómo la ve desde ahí.

25
Aug

Semi-Deep Thoughts (for shallower minds)

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, Why does it work?

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, How does it work?

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, How much will it cost?

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, Do you want fries with that?

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

Lazlos Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats – approximately one billion Chinese couldnt care less.

668: The Neighbor of the Beast

Some mornings, its just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

Her kisses left something to be desired – the rest of her.

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Always try to do things in chronological order; its less confusing that way.

I couldnt wait for success, so I went on without it.

Life is antagonistic to the living.

Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they dont realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

Hobbes: Isnt your pants zipper supposed to be in the front?

25
Aug

Why women would love being Santa Claus

Youd never be expected to make the coffee.
Thered be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.
You could grow a gut the size of Guam and consider it a job requirement.
Buy one big black belt and youd be accessorized for life.
Thered be no reason to have your colors done.
Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you werent.
Should people suggest your belly jiggled … when you laughed … like a bowlful of jelly, you could hit them with your purse.
Youd always work in sensible footwear.
Thered be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho would remind everyone whos boss.
You wouldnt need to buy an expensive briefcase.
No one would dare ask for a ride to work.
Youd never again have to wear pantyhose or worry about your slip showing.
No more trips to the vending machine … youd just snack on milk and cookies all day.
Youd never be asked to take an early retirement package.
Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your children would adore you; even your teenagers would want to sit in your lap.
Youd be guaranteed the best chair in the office.
Age discrimination wouldnt be an issue.
Youd never grab the wrong coat on your way out the door.
No one would ask to see your job description.
Your co-workers would be on notice that theyd better not pout.

25
Aug

The Stella Awards – funny but bogus

Below is an item that appeared recently in various Humor lists. It did not appear credible to me, so I wrote to the Association of Trial Lawyers of America for their comments on its veracity. Their comments (including a little propaganda for their side) follow the summary of the Stella Awards below. We may have some goofy legal decisions in America, but the ones below appear to be bogus.

Origin of the Stella Awards:

In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $2.9 million U.S. in damages to 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns to her legs, groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonalds coffee on herself.

This case inspired an annual award – The Stella Award – for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. The ones listed below are clear candidates.

January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little rodent was Ms. Robertsons son.

June 1998: 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didnt notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbors hubcaps.

October 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldnt re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson sued the homeowners insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.

October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbors beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owners fenced-in yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

And just so you know that cooler heads do occasionally prevail: Kenmore Inc., the makers of Dorothy Johnsons microwave, were found not liable for the death of Mrs. Johnsons poodle after she gave it a bath and attempted to dry it by putting the poor creature in her microwave for, just a few minutes, on low, The case was quickly dismissed.

Reply from Association of Trial Lawyers of America

You are, of course, right to be skeptical. These reputed cases simply do not exist. Searches for articles and litigation matching these stories cannot be found. The first tip-off to the fact that they are phony is that no case citations are included. And these are only a few of the phony cases circulating around the internet for many months.

One analysis of this phony e-mail mentioned that, Some versions bear the following footer, although many omit it:

PLEASE ASSIST OUR LAW OFFICES IN A TORT REFORM PROGRAM. WE ARE ATTEMPTING TO PUT A STOP TO THESE INSANE JURY AWARDS BY SENDING THIS E-MAIL OUT TO THE PUBLIC IN THE HOPES OF SWAYING PUBLIC OPINION. PLEASE FORWARD IT TO EVERY EMAIL ADDRESS YOU KNOW.

Mary R. Hogelmen, Esq.

Law Offices of Hogelmen, Hogelmen, and Thomas

Dayton Ohio

There is no law firm of Hogelmen, Hogelmen, and Thomas in Dayton, Ohio, as a call to directory assistance quickly confirmed. This detail was included to give the mailing credibility in the eyes of those who received it – if a law firm had pulled this list together to build grassroots support for its tort reform program, then it went without saying a pack of lawyers had properly researched each item and were guaranteeing the information provided. But of course this detail was as false as everything else in the e-mail.

Whenever you are sent anything like this, you should ask the purveyor for more details, especially the case names or citations. I assure you that, in most cases, those details cannot and will not be provided, because they do not exist. Even some real cases that seem frivolous at first glance may not be, or if the facts presented have any basis in truth, they have been dismissed or crucial facts have been omitted from the story-telling.

Thank you for your skepticism and for your understanding that there are people and corporations that want to make Americans distrustful of citizen juries (thats you, me, our neighbors, friends, and co-workers) and a legal system that, in spite of its imperfections, is the bedrock of our democracy and the envy of people in every other nation in the world. Our civil justice system has multiple safeguards to help assure that justice is achieved, as it is in most instances.

Carlton Carl

Director of Media Relations

Association of Trial Lawyers of America