Maria is very religious. She gets married and has 17 children, then her husband dies. She remarries a few weeks later and has another 22 children with her second husband. Maria dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, At least they are finally together.
A man standing next to the priest asks,
Excuse me, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?
The priest says, I mean her legs.
Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I cant see him now. Next.
… and the No. 1 sign you are an Internet Geek:
Q: How many senators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a quorum.
Three door-to-door vacuum-cleaner salesmen show up at a farmhouse one afternoon and the kindly farmer agreed to buy a vacuum from each if theyll keep their hands off his Virginal daughter while hes at the bank getting the money.
But when he gets back, he finds all three on top of his daughter. Irate, he fires a shotgun blast over their heads, marches them out to the garden and tells them each to pick TEN of any fruit or vegetable.
The first salesman comes forward with ten peas. Shove them up you ass, orders the farmer.
The second guy turns up with ten tomatoes and gets the same order. He has some trouble getting them in, especially as he keeps cracking up with laughter, but finally gets the job done.
Youre free to go, the farmer says to him, but do you mind if I ask whats so damn funny?
Collapsing with laughter once again, the salesman says, The third guys still out there, picking Watermelons.
A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. Ive circled the block for 20 minutes. Im late for an appointment, and if I dont park here Ill lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses.
When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: Ive circled the block for 20 years, and if I dont give you a ticket, Ill lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.
A man & wife entered a dentists office. The Wife said, I want a tooth pulled. I dont want gas or Novocain because Im in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.
Youre a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which tooth it is.
The wife turns to her husband and says Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.
Yo mama hair so short she curls it with rice.
Q: How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, theyre convinced that the power will come back on soon.
A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, Are you seriously hurt?
How do I know? the driver responds. Im not a lawyer!