Two bachelors were talking about their respective choice of life partner.
One friend said, “It is generally said that people with opposite characteristics make the happiest marriages. What is your opinion?â€
The friend replied, “Yes, they are right. That is why I am looking for a girl with money!â€
Bill Clinton is living proof why stupid people shouldnt vote.
A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She doesnt know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Walmart associate standing there with dark shades on. She says, Excuse me sir …..can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?
He says , Maam Im blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.
She didnt believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said Thats a 6 graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line……Its a good all around rod and reel and its $20.00.
She says, Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think its what Im looking for so Ill take it He walks behind the counter to the register. In the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her … being blind he wouldnt know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, That will be $25.50.
She says, But didnt you say it was $20.00?
He says, Yes maam, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!
Manolito fue al cine con su abuela. Al llegar a la sala, se sentaron delante de unos jóvenes que se estaban poniendo cada vez más calientes. Al cabo de un rato, Manolito dice:
¡Abuela, abuela, mocos!
La abuela saca un pañuelo y cuando se lo va a poner en la nariz, dice Manolito:
¡Ahà no, en la oreja!
Una pareja de morenos van por un camino, de repente al marido le da ganas de orinar y cuando termina se sacude el miembro tres veces. La mujer le pregunta para qué hace eso, y él le contesta que es para que el miembro se seque y no quede mojado.
Mas adelante a la mujer también le da ganas de orinar, se agacha y comienza a orinar. Cuando termina se le escapa un pedo, y el moreno le pregunta que para que hace eso.
Y ella le contesta:
Es que yo también la seco, pero a vapor.
Q: Whats the similarity of a blonde and a turtle?
A: Theyre both screwed when theyre on their backs.
A man had been in business for many years and his business was going down the drain and was full of debt. He was seriously contemplating suicide and he didnt know what to do. So he went to his Priest to seek advice.
He told the Priest about all of his problems in business and asked the Priest what he should do. The Priest said Take a beach chair and a bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the waters edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the Bible and it will tell you what to do.
The man did as he is told. He placed a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drove down to the beach. He sat on the chair at the waters edge and opened the Bible. The wind rifled the pages of the Bible and then stopped at a particular page. He looked down at the Bible and knew immediately what he had to do.
Three months later the man and his family came back to see the Priest. The man was wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, his wife was all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child was dressed in beautiful silk.
The man handed the Priest a thick envelope full of money and told him that he wants to donate this money to the church in order to thank the Priest for his wonderful advice.
The Priest was delighted. He recognizes the man and asked him what advice in the bible brought this good fortune to him.
The man replies: Chapter 11.
[P.S. For those unfamiliar with American Law, Chapter 11 refers to declaring bankruptcy and removing all of your debt. In modern years, some people have developed the practice as a strategic financial decision.]
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husbands sex drive.
What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor.
Not a chance says Mrs. Murphy. He wont even take an aspirin for a headache.
No problem, replies the doctor. Drop it into his coffee,he wont even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.
Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.
What happened? asks the doctor.
Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make wild passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!
What was terrible? said the doctor, Was the sex not good?
Oh no doctor, the sex was the best Ive had in 25 years… but Ill never be able to show my face in McDonalds again!
Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while. You understand it now? Mommy asks.
Yes, replies her daughter.
Do you still have any questions?
Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?
In exactly the same way as with babies.
Wow! the girl exclaims. My daddy can do ANYTHING!
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85%
of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up aluminum. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as like and you know is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed.
2. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isnt that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for sh!t.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. Its been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.