Old and New Jokes

Q: How many members of U2 does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. Bono holds up the light bulb, and the universe revolves around his ass.

Yo mama so fat God couldnt light Earth until she moved!

A man was talking to his friends about why he was a vegetarian.

Im not a vegetarian because I love animals, he said, Im a vegetarian cause I HATE plants!

A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy says Excuse me a minute I have to relieve myself.

While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat. He asks the guy Look, Ive got this gal in my car and Ive given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. Ill change your flat if youll take over for me.

The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks Whatre you doing in there?

The guy say Im making love to my wife.

The cop asks Why dont you do that at home?

The guy answers To tell you the truth, I didnt know it was my wife until you shined the light on her.

A man and his wife were driving their RV across country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it – KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME.

They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, the pulled into a place to get something to eat.

At the counter, the man said to the waitress: My wife and I cant seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand.

The waitress looked at him and said: buuurrrgerrr kiiiinnnng.

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country. The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmmm, I smell sausage.” The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said “Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.” The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldnt because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, “The only thing I can smell is molasses.”

If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.

Una pareja de novios está besándose en el cine; de repente, la chica le reclama al novio:

¡No me pases el chicle, Federico!

Confundido, el chico se defiende:

Es que tengo gripa.

A man hasnt been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

Im afraid I have some very bad news, the doctor says.

Youre dying, and you dont have much time left.

Oh, thats terrible! says the man. How long have I got?

Ten, the doctor says sadly.

Ten? the man asks. Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?

Nine…

Eight…

Seven…

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

A: Pregnant