A few weeks late, but oh well!
Twas the night before school started!
Twas the night before school started
When all through the town
The parents were cheering.
It was a riotous sound.
By eight the kids were washed
And tucked into bed
When memories of homework
Filled them with dread
New pencils, new folders,
New notebooks, too,
New teachers, new friends-
Their anxiety grew.
The parents just giggled
When they learned of this fright
And shouted, Upstairs!
GO TO BED! ITS A SCHOOL NIGHT!
A
drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church and sat
down in a confession box, saying nothing. The bewildered
priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the
man said nothing.
The priest then knocked on the wall three times in
a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally,
the drunk replied, "No use knockin, mate, theres
no paper in this one either."
El primer dÃa, el nuevo gerente de una empresa transnacional llama al comedor y ordena de mal modo:
¡Quiero inmediatamente un café americano, en taza, sin azúcar y dos rebanadas de pan tostado con mantequilla, pero ya!
Del otro lado se escucha:
Estúpido, se equivocó de extensión. ¿Sabe acaso adónde llamó, pendejo?
El gerente titubeando responde:
N-no…
¡Al presidente de la empresa, idiota!
Aturdido, el gerente piensa unos segundos y contesta:
¿Y tú sabes quién te está hablando pedazo de idiota?
¡No!
Menos mal, ¡imbécil!
Y cuelga inmediatamente.
The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. — S. T. Coleridge
Every time Timmys mom had her boyfriend over, she put Timmy in the closet with his teddy bear.
One day, hearing her husband coming up the stairs, she quickly shoved her boyfriend in with Timmy.
Gee, its mighty dark in here, Timmy said.
Yes, it sure is, replied the boyfriend.
You wanna buy my teddy bear for fifty bucks? asked Timmy.
No way, kid. Youre crazy, said the boyfriend.
Ill scream, said Timmy.
So the boyfriend forked over the money.
The next time Timmys grandmother came to visit, she noticed that her grandson was buying candy, ice cream and comic books.
Where did you get the money for all those things? she asked, but Timmy wouldnt tell her.
Well, if you wont tell me, youll have to go to confession and tell the priest, said Grandma, and dragged Timmy off to the church.
As he entered the gloomy confession booth, Timmy said, Gee, its mighty dark in here.
Are you going to start that shit again? the priest replied.
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that Ive found my dog. Then
I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff.
Dog people sure dont have a sense of humor.
One Surd was driving down an old country road when he spots
another Surd in a wheat field rowing a boat. He pulls over to the
side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief, he stands at the side of the road to watch the
woman for a while. When he could not stand it any more, he called out to the Surd in
the field, Why are you rowing a boat in the middle
of the field?
The Surd in the field stops rowing and responds, Because it is an
ocean of wheat.
The Surd standing on the side of the road is furious. He yells at
the Surd in the field, It is Antartians like you that give the rest of
us a bad name. The Antartian in the field just shrugged her shoulders
and began rowing again.
The Surd on the side of the road was beside himself and shook
his fist at Surd in the field yelling, If I could swim, I would come
out there and drag you in!!!
Q: What is the definition of a gentleman?
A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesnt.
Whew, thats one terrific spread!
Im in the mood for a little dark meat.
Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
Talk about a huge breast!
Its Cool Whip time!
If I dont undo my pants, Ill burst!
Are you ready for seconds yet?
Are you going to come again next time?
Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
Just wait your turn, youll get some!
Dont play with your meat.
Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
Do you think youll be able to handle all these people at once?
I didnt expect everyone to come at once!
You still have a little bit on your chin.
Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it.
How long will it take after you stick it in?
Youll know its ready when it pops up.
Wow, I didnt think I could handle all of that!
How many are coming?
Thats the biggest one Ive ever seen!
Just lay back & take it easy … Ill do the rest.
How long do I beat it before its ready?
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
Look at their reserve, their calm, muses the Brit. They must be British.
Nonsense, the Frenchman disagrees. Theyre naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.
No clothes, no shelter, the Russian points out, They have only an apple to eat, and theyre being told this is paradise. They are certainly Russian!