Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Tory MPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Im sorry I cant tell you that, the light bulb changing service has been privatised and the information you require is commercially sensitive.

Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night,
in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he
peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little
Johnny exclaims Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?

Daddy, relieved that Johnnys not asking more uncomfortable questions, and
seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and
daddy starts going to town.

Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out Hang on
tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked
off!

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from a nearby town was called to put out the fire. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt they could be of any assistance, the call was made.



Five minutes later, the volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon, they had

snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two, easily controllable parts.



The farmer was impressed with the volunteer fire departments work and so grateful that his farm had been spared. The next day he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.



A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. That should be obvious, responded the captain. The first thing were gonna do is get them damn brakes fixed on that there fire truck.

Never Withhold Herbes Infection from Loved One

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in 84

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isnt Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

A man goes to the doctor complaining of terrible headaches. The doctor examines him and says I can see your problem,your balls are pushing against your spine, hence the headaches. The man feels releived the problem is so simple, until the doctor tells him that the only cure his to have his balls chopped off. Reluctantly he agrees, and a few weeks later comes out of hospital feeling very depressed. To cheer himself up he decides to buy himself some new clothes. As he walks into the shop the assistant asks him if he would like some new shoes. The man replies yes and without asking the assistant brings the man the correct size pair off shoes. The man is perplexed by this so the shopkeeper explains that he can gauge his shoe size by experience alone. The assistant then asks the man if he would like a new shirt, and once again brings him a shirt with the right collar size without asking. Amazed; the man is asked if he would like some new underwear, the shop assistant brings him a pair of briefs with a waist size of 32 inches. The man laughs and says, Aha I knew I would catch you out, I have been a size 30 inch waist for the past 5 years The shop keeper replies No sir that is far too tight, they will push your balls against your spine and give you terrible headaches!

If fire-fighters fight fires, what do Freedom Fighters do?

There was 3 women, a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They had to use the bathroom so they went to a supermarket. They asked the clerk where the bathroom was and he pointed to the back. As he did he said I must warn you, there is a magic mirrior in it and if you look in it and tell the truth, poof you will be surrounded by presents. If you look in it and tell a lie then you will poof away forever. The red went in first and said I think I am the prettiest of all, and poof she was surrrounded by presents. Then the brunette went in and said I think I have the prettiest hair of all, and poof she was surrounded by presents. Last the blonde went in and said, I think… and poof she went away forever.

Your momma so fat. I told her it was chili outside and she grabbed a bowl and a spoon!

Joke found on http://www.dupyup.com

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed.

Now theyre in heaven, and God is sitting on the great golden throne.

God addresses Al first. Al, what do you believe in?

Al replies, Well, I believe that the internal combustion Engine is the root of all evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and well all die.

God thinks for a second and says, Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left.

God then addresses Bill Clinton. Bill, what do you believe in?

Bill Clinton replies, Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things, and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling peoples pain, but not inhaling.

God thinks for a second and says, Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right.

God then addresses Bill Gates. Bill Gates, what do you believe in?

Bill Gates said, I believe youre in my chair.

A young farmer couple got married, and they just couldnt seem to get enough lovin. Just before leaving the house for the fields at dawn, they made love, and when the husband returned home at evening they had another go – both before and after supper, and then again a few more times during the night.

The problems only happened during the day. The fields were far away from the house and the young man lost half an hour each time traveling home and back again at noon. Finally he decided to consult a friend, the towns doctor, about what to do.



Easiest thing in the world, Homer said the doctor. You take your rifle out with you every day dont you? Well, when you feel like youre in the mood for some lovin, just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife, for her to come out to you. That way you wont lose any workin time.



Homer tried his friends solution and it seemed to work pretty well for a while. One day though, the doctor stopped by the house to pay a visit and he noticed Homer sitting alone inside looking very somber.



Whats wrong? he asked. Didnt my idea work? Wheres your wife?



Oh, it worked says Homer. Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a shot like you said, and Beckied come runnin. Then wed find a secluded place and make love. Then Beckied go back home.



So whats the problem?



Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I aint seen hide nor hair of Beckie since hunting season got started…