Old and New Jokes

That was Zen, this is Tao.

A man and woman were dating and he asked her to marry him. She told him to prove his love to her she wanted him to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When it was erect is said Wendy and when it was limp if said Wy. They got married and went to Jamaica to a nude beach for their honeymoon. Wendy told her husband to go get them a drink so he went to a stand on the beach and noticed the man who was waiting on him also has a Wy on his penis. He said oh you must have a wife named Wendy to and the waiter said no mine says Welcome to Jamaica man have a nice day!!!

Dear Ms. Ezell:Thank you for your letter of July 17. After careful
consideration I regret to inform you that I am
unable to accept your refusal to offer me
employment with your firm. This year I have been
particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters. With such a
varied and promising field of corporate candidates
it is impossible for me to accept all refusals
for employment.Despite your companys outstanding qualifications
and previous experience in rejecting applicants,
I find that your rejection does not meet with my
needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate
employment with your firm immediately following
graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.Sincerely,
Marc Taylor

It was flooding in California. As the flood waters were rising, a man was on the stoop of his house and another man in a row boat came by. The man in the row boat told the man on the stoop to get in and hed save him. The man on the stoop said, no, he had faith in God and would wait for God to save him. The flood waters kept rising and the man had to go to the second floor of his house. A man in a motor boat came by and told the man in the house to get in because he had come to rescue him. The man in the house said no thank you. He had perfect faith in God and would wait for God to save him. The flood waters kept rising. Pretty soon they were up to the mans roof and he got out on the roof. A helicopter then came by, lowered a rope and the pilot shouted down in the man in the house to climb up the rope because the helicopeter had come to rescue him. The man in the house wouldnt get in. He told the pilot that he had faith in God and would wait for God to rescue him. The flood waters kept rising and the man in the house drowned. When he got to heaven, he asked God where he went wrong. He told God that he had perfect faith in God, but God had let him drown.
"What more do you want from me?" asked God. "I sent you two boats and a helicopter."

Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Sit in the back and dont play.

And lets not forget Moses, who at the parting of the Red Sea said;
Whats all this? I was only going in for a little dip!

Whats Clintons favorite rock group?

The Climax Blues Band.

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.

When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, Whats THAT?, pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, Well, thats what we had so much fun with last night.

And she, in amazement asked, Is that all we have left?

A brunette walks into a bar and says, Gimme an M L. The bartender says, Whats an M L? She says, A Miller Light.

Another Brunette walks in and says, Gimme a B L. The bartender says, Whats a B L?

She says, Bud Light.

A dumb blonde walks in and says, Gimme a 15. The bar tender says, Whats a fifteen? She says, 7&7, duh!

Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question.
Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program?

UNIX consultant: Yes, thats correct.

Customer: No, what is it?

UNIX consultant: Yes.

Customer: So, which is the one?

UNIX consultant: No. which is used to find the program.

Customer: Stop this. Who are you?

UNIX consultant: Use who am i not who r yoo. You can also finger yoo to get information about yoo.

Customer: All I want to know is what finds the revision code.

UNIX consultant: Use what.

Customer: Thats what I am trying to find out. Isnt that true?

UNIX consultant: No. true gives you 0.

Customer: Which one?

UNIX consultant: true gives you 0. which programname.

Customer: Lets get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?

UNIX consultant: Type find / -name it -print to find it. Type what program to get the revision code.

Customer: I want to find the revision code.

UNIX consultant: You cant find revisioncode, you must use what program.

Customer: Which command will do what I need?

UNIX consultant: No. which command will find command.

Customer: I think I understand. Let me write that.

UNIX consultant: You can write that only if that is a user on your system.

Customer: Write what?

UNIX consultant: No. write that. what program.

Customer: Cut that out!

UNIX consultant: Yes, those are valid files for cut. Dont forget the options.

Customer: Do you always do this?

UNIX consultant: du will give you disk usage.

Customer: HELP!

UNIX consultant: help is only used for Source Code Control System.

Customer: You make me angry.

UNIX consultant: No, I dont make me angry, but I did make programname when I was upset once.

Customer: I dont want to make trouble, so no more.

UNIX consultant: No more? which will help you find more. Every system has more.

Customer: Nice help! Im confused more now!

UNIX consultant: Understand that since help is such a small program, it is better not to nice help. And more now is not allowed but at now is. Unless, of course, now is a file name.

Customer: This is almost as confusing as my PC.

UNIX consultant: I didnt know you needed help with pc. Let me get you to the Pascal compiler team…