Old and New Jokes

System Cant See It

What is mass confusion in Harlem?

Fathers Day.

The seven stages of Usenet posting:

1. Innocence

HI. I AM NEW HERE. WHY DO THEY CALL THIS TALK.BIZARRE? I THINK THAT
THIS NEWSGROUP (OOPS, NEWSFROUP — HEE, HEE) STUFF IS REAL NEAT. 🙂
[dead chicken joke deleted]

This sort of joke DOES NOT BELONG HERE! Cant you read the rules? Gene
Spafford _clearly_ states in the List of Newsgroups:

rec.humor.dead.babes Dead Baby joke swapping

Simple enough for you? Its not enough that the creature be dead, it
*must* be a baby — capeesh?

This person is clearly scum — theyre even hiding behind a pseudonym.
I mean, what kind of a name is FOO, anyway? I am writing to the
sysadmin at BAR.BITNET requesting that this persons net access be
revoked immediately. If said sysadmin does not comply, they are
obviously in on it — I will urge that their feeds cut them off
post-haste, so that they cannot spread this kind of $#!T over the net.

4. Disgust

In message (102938363617@Wumpus), James_The_Giant_Killer@Wumpus writes:

> Q: How do you fit 54 dead babies in a Tupperware bowl?

> ^L

> A: La Machine! HAHAHA!

Are you people completely devoid of imagination? Weve heard this joke
*at least* 20 times, in the past three months alone!

When we first started this newsgroup, it was dynamic and innovative. We
would trade dead baby jokes that were truly fresh; ones that no one had
heard before. Half the jokes were *completely* original to this group.
Now, all we have are hacks who want to hear themselves speak. You
people are dull as dishwater. I give up; Im unsubscribing, as of now.
You can have your stupid arguments without Me. Goodbye!

5. Resignation
In message (12345@wildebeest) wildman@wildebeest complains:

>In message (2@newsite) newby@newsite (Jim Newbs) writes:

>>How do you stuff 500 dead babies in a garbage can?

>>With a Cuisinart!

>

> ARRGGHH! We went out and created rec.humor.dead.babes.new specifically

> to keep this sort of ANCIENT jokes out! Go away and stick with

> r.h.d.b until you manage to come up with an imagination, okay?

Hey, wildman, chill out. When youve been around as long as I have,
youll come to understand that twits are a part of life on the net.
Look at it this way: at least they havent overwhelmed us yet. Most
of the jokes in rec.humor.dead.babes.new are still fresh and
interesting. We can hope that people like newby above will go lurk
until they understand the subtleties of dead baby joke creation, but we
should bear with them if they dont. Keep your cool, and dont let it
bug you.

6. Ossification

In message (6:00@cluck), chickenman@cluck (Cluck Kent) crows:

> In message (2374373@nybble), byte@nybble (J. Quatermass Public) writes:

>> In message (5:00@cluck), chickenman@cluck (Cluck Kent) crows:

>>> In message (2364821@nybble), byte@nybble (J. Quatermass Public) writes:

>>>> In message (4:00@cluck), chickenman@cluck (Cluck Kent) crows:

>>>>> Therefore, I propose the creation of rec.humor.dead.chicken.

>>>> Before they go asking for this newsgroup, I point out that they

>>>> should follow the rules. The guidelines clearly state that you

>>>> should be able to prove sufficient volume for this group. I have

>>>> heard no such volume in rec.humor.dead.babes, so I must conclude

>>>> that this proposal is a sham, and a fraud on the face of it.

>>> The last time we tried to post a dead chicken joke to r.h.d.b, we

>>> were yelled at to keep out! How DARE you accuse us of not having

>>> the volume, you TURD?

>> This sort of ad hominem attack is uncalled for. My point is simply

>> this: if there were interest in telling jokes about dead chickens,

>> then we surely would have heard some jokes about dead *baby* chickens

>> in r.h.d.b. We havent heard any such jokes, so it is obvious that

>> there is no interest in chicken jokes.

> That doesnt even make sense! Your logic is completely flawed. Think a

It should be clear to people by now that this Cluckhead is full of it.
There is no interest in rec.humor.dead.chicken, so it should not be
created.

People like this really burn me. Doesnt he realize that it will just
take a few more newsgroups to bring this whole house of cards down
around us? First, we get rec.humor.dead.chicken (and undoubtedly,
rec.humor.dead.chicken.new). Next, theyll be asking for rec.humor.ethnic.
Then, rec.humor.newfy. By that time, all of the news admins in the
world will have decided to drop us completely. Is that what you want,
Cluck? To bring about the end of Usenet? Humph!

I urge everyone to vote against this proposal. The current system
works, and we shouldnt push at it, lest it break.

7. Nostalgia

Well, theyve just created rec.humor.ethnic.newfoundland.bizarre. My,
how things have grown. It seems like such a short time ago that I
first joined this net. At the time, there were only two newsgroups
under the humorous banner: rec.humor and rec.humor.funny. Im amazed
at how things have split. Nowadays, you have to have twenty newsgroups
in your sequencer just to keep up with the *new* jokes. Ah, for the
good old days, when we could read about it all in one place…

Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call mine Sex. Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 oclock in the morning. I said, I was looking for Sex.

My court case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said I would like to have one too! When I said But this is a dog, he said he didnt care what she looked like. Then I said, You dont understand. Ive had Sex since I was two years old.

He replied, You must have been a strong boy.

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex.

He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, You dont understand. Sex keeps me awake at night, and the clerk said,Me too.

One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, Show off! I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married and the Judge said, Me too.

When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, Me too.

Well now Ive been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, What seems to be the trouble?

I replied, Well, Sex has died and left my life. Its like losing a best friend and its so lonely.

The doctor said, Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isnt mans best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?

Q: Why do fireflies light up while they are having sex?

A: Because they are so turned-on!

In Columbia Maryland, work is progressing on one of the most beautiful chapels Ive ever seen. Since there was no sign at the site, I stopped and asked the Superintendent what denomination it was being built for.

He said, None at the moment, a group of investors are building it on speculation.

What do blondes and cow shit have in common? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Él: No sé por que usas sostén: no tienes nada que poner ahí.

Ella: Tú usas calzoncillos, ¿no?

***

Él: ¿Me amas sólo porque mi padre me dejó una fortuna?

Ella: No, querido, yo te amaría sin importar quién te la dejó.

***

Ella: ¿Cómo es que vienes a casa medio borracho?

Él: No es mi culpa. Se me acabó el dinero.

***

Él: Cinco centímetros más y sería rey.

Ella: Cinco centímetros menos y serías una reina.

***

Escrito en la pared del baño de damas:

Mi esposo me sigue a todas partes

Debajo:No es cierto, no lo hago

***

Él: Salgamos a divertirnos esta noche.

Ella: Buena idea. El que llegue primero deja la luz de la entrada encendida.

***

Él: ¿Por qué nunca me dices cuando tienes un orgasmo?

Ella: Lo haría, pero nunca estás ahí.

***

Él: ¿Ensayamos una posición diferente esta noche?

Ella: Buena idea: tú te paras al lado de la mesa de planchar y yo me siento en el sofá a ver televisión.

Wear short sleeves: Support your right to bare arms!

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant You looked up, or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfers handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isnt, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and a tax agent — or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: Nice lag can usually be translated to lousy putt. Similarly, tough break can usually be translated way to miss an easy one, sucker.

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day