Old and New Jokes

He who laughs last thinks slowest

What happens when a man tries to hide his baldness by combing his

hair across his head?

The truth comes shining through.

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” — even when you dont know anything. The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just dont tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please dont say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug.”

A man goes into a police station and the desk sargeant asks him what he
wants.

The man says, Someone has stolen my camel, I went into a bar for one drink
and when I came out it was gone!

Now, sir, I think we have had more than one drink. Why dont you just go
home before you end up in a cell for being drunk and incapable, says the
sargeant.

The man pleads his innocence, Listen, I am not drunk and my camel has
definitely been stolen. Please help me.

Okay, says the policeman. Let me have some details. Give me a desciption
of your camel.

Thank you, the man says. Well, it is a greyish brown colour, its got two
humps, it is a male and it…

Hold on, not so fast. How do you know it is a male of the species? the
sargeant enquired.

Well, the man explained, The other day I was riding it down the High
Street and two men were on the pavement and as I passed them one of the
men turned to his friend and said, Look at the prick on that camel!

Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?

A: Throw him a rock.

Scott Neugroschl

Now, what I did to a guy I didnt like one night is a classic:

I saw him at a restaurant with his other woman seated in the corner
of the restaurant trying to be inconspicuous. I went to the head
waiter and told him I wanted to send a cake over to my friends table
since he and his wife were celebrating their 10th wedding anniversary.

If youve ever been to a place like Bennigans where the waiters and
waitresses come singing and banging pots when they deliver a cake to
your table, you can imagine what happened next.

Four waiters and three waitresses carrying a cake with a sparkler
marched over to their table singing Happy Anniversary, Carole and
Mark…Happy…Happy…Happy Anniversary.

Talk about someone looking for the exits!

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do splits.

7. See if its truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

and, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina .

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.!!!!!

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his clients jury to hold out
for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.

The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.

When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

Sure did, the juror replied, the other eleven wanted to acquit.

One day monica lewinsky walked into a dry cleaners to get her blue dress cleaned because it had a stain on it. She said to the employee I want this stain taken out of the dress the employee of the store was of japanese decent and didnt understand her so he said come again?

to which Monica replied NO!, its white-out!!!

Estaba un borracho en una esquina, cuando una mujer pasa caminando. El borracho la observa y dice: ¡Adios, fea!

La mujer, indignada, se da media vuelta y le dice: ¡Borracho!

El borracho con una sonrisa contesta: ¡Sí, pero a mí mañana se me pasa!