Old and New Jokes

Why dont women have any brains?

Because they dont have any testicles to put them in.

A married lady was entertaining the Pizza delivery man in her bedroom when all at once they heard a car door slam. The young man jumped out the window forgetting his clothes and the fact that he was still wearing a condom.

He hid in the bushes wondering how he was ever going to get home when he saw a group of joggers coming down the street. He figures he will just join in and maybe not be noticed.

As he is running along, the man next to him asks, Do you always jog naked? and the young man replied that yes he did.

Then the other gentleman asked Do you always wear a condom?

The young man looked heavenward and replied Looks like rain.

This wad told to me by a librarian. Reference work must be dull at times.

Robin

Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?

My fellow Armenians,

As I stand here today, looking out over this magnificent viagra, I
think we can agree that the past is over. Our country is ready for a
fresh, bipolar approach.

I want to bring America together. We are the hill shining on a city,
and each of us can get to the top if we set our feet to it Americans
have made their decision. They dont need sympathy; they need
ablutions. We need to move beyond the petty armadilloes.

Politics doesnt have to be the way it is today. We can make the pie
higher. A high pie lets everyone put food on their family and their
family on the table.

Thats my record: I side with the people. And the B-side of my record
is Billy-Joe Gibbs and the Shoeshine Boys singing Streets in Laredo.

(Music break)

A president has to think not only of himself and his family and his
baseball teams families, but of all American families. I dont
believe a president should be choosing who are the right Americans and
who are the wrong Americans. All of us are together, white or wrong,
black or right. Or perversely. Thats why my tax cut is as broad as we
are. And it will give our expansion a timely second dose of wind.

(Zantac commercial)

I say theres a cost to inaction. I havent done the acrobatics, but
its probably around a trillion dollars. Thats a good round sum to
offer to everyone, especially our seniors, who are the backache of our
nation. I would like to take a moment to mention my mother, Barbara
Bush, who taught me to read and write when I was still knee-high to a
lawnmower. We need our seniors to be free to pass on their lifes work
to those they love, and especially to pass on.

Thanks, Mom and Dad.

(Applause; tears)

We know that America is the best in the world. We are the great
super-premium; we cannot afford to be unleaded. This is still a world
of madmen and mental losses. And mental loss is easy to underestimate.
We need a sharpened sword to light our way. To quote Ronald Reagan: I
do not believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do nothing. I do
believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do something. And it must
never run our lives.

(Exxon commercial)

The purpose of prosperity is to make sure the American dream touches
every killing heart. Progress can be slow; you measure it in inches
and feet, not miles or kilograms. Or cantilevers. I worked in Texas by
common sense and plain dozing. I got on with small business, because I
was one myself. Im less now. But Im also more. We are all less and
more. More or less. And I believe we must match our compassionate
hearts to our preservative minds.

I know you would rather be watching TV, and so would I, so I will draw
to a confusion. My message is: I will get things done. I will inspire
and untie. I will appeal to peoples better angles. I will prove that
politics can be bigger than you ever thought possible. We will trust
the people we serve, and serve the people we trust. Together, we can
do what needs to be done to preserve this great bastard of freedom.

Thank you, and God help America.

WHO HAS MORE BUTTS THAN THE PLAYBOY MANSION. AN ASHTRAY

Enter – Come on in

At the card shop:

A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, No. A clerk came over and asked, May I help you?

I dont know, said the woman. Do you have any Sorry I laughed at your dick cards?

De acuerdo con los últimos estudios realizados en la Universidad de Oxford por el doctor Alfred Ohmygod Fuckyourself, se demuestra que la dieta más efectiva para el ser humano, y más placentera, es la que a continuación se detalla. (A lo largo de varios años y dilatadas y diversas experiencias el lector podrá comprobar la veracidad de los datos estadísticos.)

El sexo es la manera más práctica y divertida de perder peso. Vea cuántas calorías se pierden en cada actividad.

QUITANDO LA ROPA

Con el consentimiento de ella: 12 calorías.

Sin el consentimiento de ella: 187 calorías.

ABRIENDO EL SOSTÉN

Con las dos manos: 8 calorías.

Con una mano: 12 calorías.

Con la boca: 85 calorías.

COLOCANDO EL PRESERVATIVO

Con erección: 6 calorías.

Sin erección: 315 calorías.

PRELIMINARES

Intentando encontrar el clítoris: 8 calorías.

Intentando encontrar el punto G: 92 calorías.

POSICIONES

Misionero: 12 calorías.

69 tumbado: 78 calorías.

69 de pie: 112 calorías (Con ella de pie).

Carretilla: 216 calorías.

De perrito: 326 calorías.

Candelabro italiano: 912 calorías.

TENIENDO UN ORGASMO

Real: 112 calorías.

Falso: 315 calorías.

POST ORGASMO

Quedarse en la cama abrazado: 18 calorías.

Salir de la cama enseguida: 36 calorías.

Explicar por qué salió de la cama enseguida: 116 calorías.

CONSIGUIENDO LA SEGUNDA ERECCIÓN

Si tiene entre:

20 y 29 años: 36 calorías.

30 y 39 años: 80 calorías.

40 y 49 años: 124 calorías.

50 y 59 años: 972 calorías.

60 y 70 años: 2916 calorías.

Más de 70 años: No hay datos (los voluntarios murieron tratando de hacerlo).

Más de 10 años de casado: 4635 calorías.

COLOCANDO LA ROPA

Con calma: 32 calorías.

Con prisa por salir: 98 calorías.

Con el papá de ella golpeando la puerta: 1218 calorías.

Con tu mujer golpeando la puerta: 3521 calorías.

Con el marido de ella tocando la puerta: 4695 calorías.

Sign on the wall of the office of an ethnologist: Beware of bargains in 1. Parachutes 2. Life preservers 3. Brain surgery 4. Eye Care

Billboard sign on a highway coming out of Austin, TX: Nobody reads billboards…. But you just did 🙂

An ad on the subway in NYC: Learn to read and speak English. Call us now.

An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist: Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed.

Sign over a restroom in a restaurant: Used beer department.