19
May

A Trucker, A Priest and A Lawyer

A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride.

A ways down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought, Oh no, I have a priest in the truck. I cant run down this lawyer, and at the last second the truck driver swerved to miss the lawyer.

Regardless, the truck driver heard a thump outside of the truck. He looked in his rear-view mirror but didnt see anything.

He turned to the priest and said, Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road.

And the priest replied, Dont worry son. I got him with my door.

-=} Randall {=- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

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19
May

If Beatles was a bunch of Computer Nerds

Yesterday
Yesterday,

All those backups seemed a waste of pay.

Now my database has gone away.

Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,

Theres not half the files there used to be,

And theres a milestone hanging over me

The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong

What it was I could not say.

Now all my datas gone

and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,

The need for back-ups seemed so far away.

I knew my data was all here to stay,

Now I believe in yesterday.

Eleanor Rigby
Eleanor Rigby

Sits at the keyboard

And waits for a line on the screen

Lives in a dream

Waits for a signal

Finding some code

That will make the machine do some more.

What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Guru MacKenzie

Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;

Isnt it fun?

Look at him working,

Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;

It takes a while…

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Eleanor Rigby

Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;

Feels like a jerk.

Guru MacKenzie

Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;

Nothing will load.

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Unix Man
Hes a real UNIX Man

Sitting in his UNIX LAN

Making all his UNIX plans

For nobody.

Knows the blocksize from du(1)

Cares not where /dev/null goes to

Isnt he a bit like you

And me?

UNIX Man, please listen(2)

My lpd(8) is missin

UNIX Man

The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.

Hes as wise as he can be

Uses lex and yacc and C

UNIX Man, can you help me At all?

UNIX Man, dont worry

Test with time(1), dont hurry UNIX Man

The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.

Hes a real UNIX Man Sitting in his UNIX LAN

Making all his UNIX .plans For nobody …

Making all his UNIX .plans For nobody.

Write in C (Let it Be)
When I find my code in tons of trouble,

Friends and colleagues come to me,

Speaking words of wisdom:

Write in C.

As the deadline fast approaches,

And bugs are all that I can see,

Somewhere, someone whispers:

Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,

Write in C, oh, Write in C.

LOGOs dead and buried,

Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,

For science it worked flawlessly.

Try using it for graphics!

Write in C.

If youve just spent nearly 30 hours,

Debugging some assembly,

Soon you will be glad to

Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,

Write in C, yeah, Write in C.

BASICs not the answer.

Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C

Write in C, oh, Write in C.

Pascal wont quite cut it.

Write in C.

Something
Something in the way it fails,

Defies the algorithms logic!

Something in the way it coredumps…

I dont want to leave it now

Ill fix this problem somehow

Somewhere in the memory I know,

A pointers got to be corrupted.

Stepping in the debugger will show me…

I dont want to leave it now

Im too close to leave it now

Youre asking me can this code go?

I dont know, I dont know…

What sequence causes it to blow?

I dont know, I dont know…

Something in the initializing code?

And all I have to do is think of it!

Something in the listing will show me…

I dont want to leave it now

Ill fix this tonight I vow!

19
May

Clinton

Whats the simiarity between Clinton and a carpenter?

One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart!

19
May

Yo mama (hardware store)

Yo mama is like a Hardware Store… 5 cents a screw.

19
May

Ultimate rejection!

What is the ultimate rejection?

When you are masturbating and your hand falls asleep!

19
May

The Anninversary

My father and mother were recently celebrating their 50th wedding

anniversary. While cutting the cake, my mother was moved after

seeing my father’s eyes fill with tears. Mother took his arm, and

looked at him affectionately. I never knew you were so

sentimental, she whispered.

No, no, he said, choking back his tears, that’s not it at all.

Remember when your father found us in the barn and told me to either

marry you or spend the next 50 years in jail?

Yes, my mother replied. I remember it like yesterday.

Well, said my father, today I would have be a free man!

18
May

Un tipo camina lentamente por

Un tipo camina lentamente por una playa e, indignado, hace comentarios:

¡Qué plabeyos!… ¡Qué cabrones!… ¡Cagaron toda la playa!… No hay donde poner el pie… Todo está lleno de mierda… Y nadie lo limpia… ¡Oh, por fin! ¡Hay un pedazo limpio!

Y se agacha para echar una cagadita.

18
May

Jewish Santa Claus

What does the Jewish Santa Claus say?

Ho ho ho! Any of you kids wanna buy some toys?

18
May

Real Mothers…

Real Mothers . . .



Real Mothers dont eat quiche; they dont have time to makeit.



Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.



Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.



Real Mothers know that dried playdough doesnt come out of shag carpets.



Real Mothers dont want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.



Real Mothers sometimes ask why me? and get their answer when a little voice says, because I love you best.



Real Mothers know that a childs growth is not measured by height or years or grade . . . It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom.

18
May

EGOTIST: Someone

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.