Old and New Jokes

Cierto día, un tipo amaneció con una arrechura del carajo. Se asoma a la ventana de su apartamento y lo primero que ve es una chica voluptuosa en minifalda, mejor dicho buenísima. Al rato piensa:

Esta calentura me la quito ya.

Se mete al baño y empieza a hacerse una paja pensando en la chica. Una hora y nada que se venía. Cambio de mano, ahora era la izquierda. Dos horas y nada. El sujeto cambia de mano otra vez. Dos horas y nada. Al tipo no le importó que la cabeza de su verga estaba rojísima porque ya no podía más. Siguió insistiendo y decía:

De que termino, termino.

Se untó cremas y pomadas y nada; hasta que vio un frasco de Vick Vaporub, se la echó y se vino de una. Empieza a escupir esa leche regada por todo el baño. Cansado el calenturiento, uf, uf, dice:

Esta verga lo que tenía era resfriado.

Un cobrador toca a la puerta de una casa. Sale un niño:

¿Sí?

¿Está tu papá?, le pregunta el tipo.

No.

¿Volverá pronto?

No sé.

¿A qué horas lo puedo encontrar?

Eso será muy difícil.

¿Por qué?

Porque sólo se encuentra cuando usted no viene.

An englshman, american, and a canadian went to a pub for a beer. When the draft was delivered they each noticed a fly floating on top. The englishman pushed his draft away in disgust. Bloody hell, I cannot drink such a mess! The american shrugged and picked the fly out of his beer. He then proceeded to drink it. The canadian was very disturbed. He picked the fly up, shaking it and yelled, Spit it out you bastard! Spit it out!

Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boats provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, Make the entire ocean into beer! The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.



Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.



One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: Nice going idiot! Now were going to have to piss in the boat!

24 hours in a day…24 Diet Cokes in a case…coincidence?

(Note to Ed. This is taken from my ~/.plan; if you think Salman Rushdie
has problems, you should see the reaction it evokes from feminists …)

Phrases you just never hear, and their more common counterparts:
 

Why notIf there is
 
fully bakedhalf baked
entirely cockedhalf cocked
completely assedhalf assed
semi-fledgedfull-fledged
partial tiltfull-tilt
partially-outall-out
sensible slaughtersenseless slaughter
lock and stocklock, stock, and barrel
bullpiss, cowshitbullshit
vestal slutsvestal virgins
man-o-peaceman-o-war
chock emptychock full
reckful [careful]reckless [careless]
buns down [dead]tits up [dead]
stale and deterioratednew & improved
flat inflat out
run of the latherun of the mill
ept [competent]inept
hexagoned away, circled away, etc.squared away
right offright on
dozen outgross out
cockstrong and headsureheadstrong and cocksure
gruntled [content]disgruntled
mayeddismayed
cruitedrecruited
cute as a zipper, or Velcrocute as a button
coming, coming, HERE!going, going, GONE!

A man & wife entered a dentists office. The Wife said, I want a tooth pulled. I dont want gas or Novocain because Im in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.

Youre a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which tooth it is.

The wife turns to her husband and says, Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.

Two surds observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger:

Surd 1: I cant seem to get this car door unlocked!

Surd2: Well, youd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, See mom, I told you they wouldnt notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing.

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, Im thankful I didnt get caught and refuse to say anything more.

3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your shake back to the table. Announce that its the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake

4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.

5. Bring along old recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when dads not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game when he comes into the room, turn off the VCR, and then turn on the regular TV.

6. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Request that she bring photos.