Old and New Jokes

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one but the light bulb must want to change!

An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over…

So, says the cop to the driver, where have you been?

Why, Ive been to the pub of course slurs the drunk.

Well, says the cop, it looks like youve had quite a few to drink this evening.

I did all right, the drunk says with a smile.

Did you know, says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?

Oh, thank heavens, sighs the drunk.

For a minute there, I thought Id gone deaf!

Q: How many talk show hosts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, one to screw in the new bulb, one to ask the old one how it feels to be replaced, and one to take questions from the audience.

What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60?

Four guys watching a football game.

On the fourth day of their honeymoon, the 21 year old bride was begging for mercy from her 75 year old husband.

Rather than endure yet another lovemaking session, she slipped out of the room while he was showering and went to the hotel coffee shop.

The waitress, who had served the couple breakfast each day, was shocked at the womans appearance.

Honey, youre just a young thing, she remarked, but you look like hell. Whats up?

Ive been double-crossed, the miserable bride moaned. When he said hed been saving up for 50 years, I thought he meant CASH!

Two girls boarded a crowded bus and one of them whispered to the other, Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat.

Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily.

My dear Mr. Wilson, she gushed, fancy meeting you on the bus. Am I glad to see you. Why, youre almost a stranger. My, but Im tired.

The sedate gentleman looked up at the girl. He had never seen her before, but he rose and said pleasantly, Sit down, Mary my girl. It isnt often I see you on washday. No wonder youre tired. Being pregnant isnt easy. By the way, dont deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife is going to the District Attorneys office to see whether she can get your husband out of jail.

La siguiente historia demuestra que hay que cerciorarse de las direcciones de correo electrónico antes de enviar uno, para evitar malos entendidos o males mayores.

Un hombre dejó las nevadas calles de Chicago para pasar unas felices vacaciones en la soleada Florida.

Su esposa estaba en viaje de negocios y habían planeado encontrarse en Miami al día siguiente.

Cuando el hombre llegó al hotel, después de haber pasado el día en la playa bajo los cocoteros y harto de refrescos tropicales, decidió enviar a su mujer un e-mail para contarle las maravillas del lugar.

Como no encontró el papelito donde tenía apuntada la dirección, se arriesgó a tirar de memoria y rezar para que fuera correcto.

Pero, por desgracia, se equivocó en una letra y el mensaje se dirigió hacia la esposa de un pastor protestante que había muerto el día anterior.

Por la noche, esta mujer decidió leer el correo para ver las condolencias que había recibido; cuando miró el monitor dio un respingo, pegó un grito y cayó tiesa, muerta al suelo.

Al oír el grito sus familiares corrieron a donde se encontraba y leyeron lo siguiente en el correo que mostraba el monitor:

Querida esposa:

Acabo de llegar. Fue un largo viaje hasta aquí, aunque merece la pena; todo es precioso, con muchos árboles, jardines, fiestas. A pesar de llevar pocas horas aquí ya me estoy sintiendo como en casa. Ahora me voy a descansar.

Sólo quiero decirte que ya hablé con toda la gente y tienen lista tu llegada aquí a lo largo de mañana.

Estoy seguro de que también te va a gustar mucho.

Besos de tu eterno y amoroso marido.

P.D. ¡Prepárate porque aquí hace un calor infernal!

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time, robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, DEAD or ALIVE!



A trigger happy, young, enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track down the bandit on his own and collect the reward. After a lengthy search, the Ranger tracked the bandit to his favorite cantina and snuck up behind him. At the sound of the Rangers guns cocking and preparing to fire, the surprised bandit sped around only to see both of the Rangers six-shooters bearing down on him.



The Ranger announced, Youre under arrest! Tell me where you hid the loot or Ill drop you where you stand, his finger becoming itchy on the trigger.



However, the bandit didnt speak English and the Ranger didnt speak Spanish. Fortunately for the Ranger, a bilingual lawyer was present in the cantina and translated the Rangers demand to the bandit. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried next to an old oak tree behind the cantina.



What did he say, what did he say?, the Ranger hurriedly asked.



To which the lawyer replied, Well, the best I can make out he said … DRAW!

Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side. PLATO: For the greater good of man. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. TIMOTHY LEARY: Because thats the only trip the establishment would let it take. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. RONALD REAGAN: I forget. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chickens side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chickens people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and uccessfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.The meeting was held in park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chickens mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business. LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him and keep him down. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesnt anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?" FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads. ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? BILL CLINTON : I did not, and I repeat, did not have sexual relations with that chicken. Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard working American.
L.A. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken and well find out.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, Ive not been told!
Grandpa: In my day, we didnt ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York.

A guy went to his doctor full of anger. Doc, he said, I feel like killing my wife. Youve got to help me. Please tell me what I should do.

The doctor thought for a moment. Look, he said, here are some pills. Take these twice a day and theyll allow you to fuck your wife six time a day. If you do this for thirty days, youll finally screw her to death. And the autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex.

Wonderful, doc, said the grateful patient. Ill start with this right away.

He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face.

Nearly a month passed. One day, while on a medical convention, the doctor passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, just barely managing to move forward.

What happened? asked the doctor. What happened to your wife?

Dont worry, doc, the patient reassured him, two more days and shell be dead.