Old and New Jokes

When God created Adam, he asked him for the perfect companion: Somebody intelligent, nice, sexy, funny … etc.

Of course I can do it God replies, but it will cost you one leg and one arm.

Hmmm … And what can I get for one rib?

Michael Jordan made over $300,000/game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averaged about 30 minutes per game.



Assuming $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day (working or not)!



Assuming he slept 7 hrs a night, he made $52,000 every night.



If he goes to a movie, hell pay $7.00, but hell make $18,550.



Hell make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.



If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000), it would take him a whole 12 hours.



If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, youd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.



In one year, he made more than 2X as much as past presidents for all of their terms combined.



Amazing isnt it? . . .

BUT:

JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS

TO HAVE A NET WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES.

A poor employee had been suffering dreadfully during the building of Gates infamous new home. The poor architect had used Linux to undertake the interior and the wrath of Gates had fallen upon him.

This guy was so distressed at the thought of using Windows in a design environment that he just got up one day and took his own life.

He reappears at the gates of heaven where St.Peter is sitting with his clipboard. Nervously he walks up to St.Peter.Ah, St.Peter says, youre the poor fellow who suffered at the hands of Gates. Dont worry, youre in heaven now. Everything is allright.

Still quivering, the poor architect says: At last, thats wonderfull. But you promise me that Bill Gates wont appear here.

St.Peter lets out a broad laugh: Is the Pope Catholic ? You know what they say about rich men, needles and camels … anyhow, we use Amigas …

Then, suddenly, beyond the pearly gates a familiar figure appears. The poor architect falls into an apoplectic fit: Look, look, you told me hed never find a place in heaven, but its him.

St.Peter turns around to see the sight. Ah, no my son, thats God, he just thinks hes Bill Gates …

Send

Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
New Jersey got to pick first.

there was a jewish rabbit who was in a science lab so they could test smoking brands on him. one day he said to his mate there are wild rabbits you know his mate didnt believe him so he said right ill prove it


the next night he escaped and found a wild rabbit they had a great time. the next day he came back and said to his mate it was brill i found a great wild rabbit we ate lettuce and i even found a girlfriend


wow his mate said why did you come back?


i was dying for a fag he replied

Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting F1 F1 and nobody understood it

Note: This entry was inspired by something I once read in NUTWORKS (The
Computer Humor Magazine.)

This is a guide to translating the language of math textbooks and professors.

1) It can be proven…

This may take upwards of a year, and no shorter than four hours, and
may require something like 5 reams of scratch paper, 100 pencils,
or 100 refills (For those who use machanical pencils). If you are
only an undergraduate, you need not bother attempting the proof as
it will be impossible for you.

2) It can be shown…

Usually this would take the teacher about one hour of blackboard
work, so he/she avoids doing it. Another possibility of course is
that the instructor doesnt understand the proof himself/herself.

3) It is obvious…

Only to PhDs who specialize in that field, or to instructors
who have taught the course 100 times.

4) It is easily derived…

Meaning that the teacher figures that even the student could derive it.
The dedicated student who wishes to do this will waste the next weekend
in the attempt. Also possible that the teacher read this somewhere,
and wants to sound like he/she really has it together.

5) It is obvious…

Only to the Author of the textbook, or Carl Gauss. More likely
only Carl Gauss. Last time I saw this was as a step in a
proof of Fermats last theorem.

6) The proof is beyond the scope of this text.

Obviously this is a plot. The reader will never find any
text with the proof in it. The Proof doesnt exist. The theorem
just turned out to be usefull to the author.

7) The proof is left up to the reader.

…sure let us do all the work. Does the author think that we have
nothing better to do than sit around with THEIR textbook, and do the
work that THEY should have done?

8) Sample Proof:
.

.

.

4.7 At this point we assume that x is an element of the set S, and
therefore…We know this according to L. Krueger[pg. 71]

Question…has anyone ever bothered to see if these type of references
exist. Come on…we all know what happens when we are writing a fresh-
man english composition and run out of sources…how better to prove
your thesis with a little blurb from some obscure, and nonexistant
source

Michael J. Bauers

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunks shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, Father, what causes arthritis?
Mister, its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man, the priest replied. Imagine that, the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: Im sorry, I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis? I dont have arthritis, Father, the drunk said, but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.

A young vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood and perched himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He was tired and needing a rest, so he told them to please leave him alone. However, it was clear that he wasnt going to get any sleep until he satisfied their curiosity.



OK! he said with exasperation, follow me, and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him.



Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.



Do you see that tree over there? he asked.



Yes, yes, yes! the bats all screamed in a frenzy.



Good, said the first bat, Because I DIDNT!

Llega un señor a la farmacia y le dice al que atiende:

“Señor, deme 400 condones”

“¡¿400 condones?!”

“Sí”.

“Pues mejor se lo enmico”.