Moshe wakes up one morning and says to his wife, Sadie:
Aaarrrggghhh, Sadie! Ive got a terrible pain on the left side of my body….aaarrrggghhh….I think I must have appendicitis!
Sadie sighs and says, Dont be silly Moshe. Youre appendix is on the right side of your body!
At which Moshe replies, Well thats the problem! My appendix is on the wrong side!
Scientists at Rutgers University have released a study identifying the three phases of love. They are: lust, attraction and subpoena.
Q. What do you call two Irish Queers?
A. Michael Fits Patrick and Patrick Fits Michael.
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with Didja ever wonder why…. Be creative.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms hed like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. Oh, Im so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girls parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, I had no idea you were this religious.
The boy turns, and whispers back, I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.
One day, Superman was flying across the sky, and he notices Wonderwoman lying asleep, but STARK NAKED on a beach blanket. So.. he decided to go down & get some.
So after he had done the deed, he flew away. Then Wonderwoman got up and said What was THAT? And the invisible man said I dont know… but my butt sure hurts.
Yes, its hard to believe, but in 1999 Barbie turned 40, just in time to greet the new century. And theyve been 40 full, rich years. She began as a glamorous airline stewardess when she was introduced at Toy Fair in 1959.She soared into space as an astronaut in 1974, ran for president in 1992, and, in 1997, she bore disability bravely, folding her first-ever bending legs into a wheelchair to become a role model once again for a newly identified market.
In every incarnation, nationality, and skin tone, shes perfectly turned out,with accessories galore at her long slender fingertips. Shes Everywoman, shes the Cosmo Girl, she has it all. So, what will Mattel think of next as the company meets the challenge of Barbie turning 40?
Why fight age? Why not capitalize on it in every way possible? Here are some ideas Mattel might consider for a past 40 Barbie:
Bifocals Barbie:
Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
Hot Flash Barbie:
Press Barbies bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
Facial Hair Barbie:
As Barbies hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
Cooks Arms Barbie:
Hide Barbies droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.
Bunion Barbie:
Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbies dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush.
No More Wrinkles Barbie:
Erase those pesky crows-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbies own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
Soccer Mom
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington DC this Christmas
season.
This isnt for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nations capitol.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
An impotent farmer was having trouble in bed for close to a year now and he just didnt know what to do. He ate Viagra like M&Ms but it never seemed to help. Well anyways the farmer had a couple cows that he wanted to breed, and he went down to his neighbor farmer to ask to borrow a bull for a day. The neighbor farmer said yes, and the impotant farmer loaded the bull into the box of his pickup. When he got back home he put the bull in with the lady cows. The lady cows were sure interested in the bull, but the bull would not go near them for some odd reason. The impotent farmer went back to his neighbors and asked why the bull wouldnt screw his cows. The other farmer said Oh sorry bout dat he gets like that sometimes, what you otta do is stick your finger there in one uh yah lady cows pussys and rub it on his nose.
The impotent farmer went home and tried it on the bull, and sure enough the bull got all three cows and went back for more about five minutes later. The impotent farmer was totally shocked. He went home that night after a hard days work in the field, and climbed into bed. His wife was asleep next to him and he got an idea. He figured if it worked on the cow it might work on him. So he pulled down his sleeping wifes panties and stuck his finger down there and rubbed it on his nose. Sure enough he was hard in an instant. The farmer was so happy about this he just had to show his wife.
Honey wake up honey, turn on the light and take a look at this.
His wife wakes up turns on the light and says You woke me up just to show me you had a bloody nose.
Man goes to the doctor, Doctor, my penis is orange. What can I do about it?
Doctor scratches his head, says Ive never seen anything like it.
Take these pills and come back in a week and see if there are any changes.
The guy comes back in a week, his dick is still orange.
Doctor says, Lets see if we can figure out what is causing this. Tell me about your life-style.
Guy says Im single, live alone, just a normal type.
Doctor: How do you spend your evenings?
I like to watch porno videos and eat Cheetos. Why?