A woman is yelling at her husband. You SHMUCK! God, you are such a SHMUCK! I cant believe what an incredible SHMUCK you are. If there were a contest for biggest SHMUCK in the world, YOUD come in second!
Why second, he asked?
Because youre such a SHMUCK!
The only surviving Japanese Kamikaze pilot from World War two is named Chicken Teriyaki. He regularly writes to his friend, Stanley Kowalski, who was a Polish Kamikaze pilot with over 50 missions to his credit.
Dr. Jones, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if theyre cured and ready to re-enter society.
So, Mr. Clark, the doctor says to one of his patients, I see by your chart that youve been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once youre released?
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. Thats still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what its like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which Ive grown interested in lately.
Dr. Jones nods and says, Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities.
The patient replies, And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot.
486 – The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art – Any computer you cant afford.
Obsolete – Any computer you own.
Microsecond – The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3 – Apples new Macs that make you say Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.
Syntax Error – Walking into a computer store and saying, Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.
Hard Drive – The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI – What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced gooey)
Keyboard – The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse – An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy – The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer – A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash – A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User – Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update – A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear
weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one
within city limits.
A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, Stay here and be very QUIET. Ill be across the field.An hour later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son. Whats wrong? the father asked. I told you to be quiet! The son answered, Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didnt move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my
breath when the wasp stung me. I didnt cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didnt cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, Should we eat them here or take them with us? Well, I guess I just panicked.
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of Its a Small World incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if youre on rough seas.
7. Shave. (Especially if youre a woman.)
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, "Admiral".
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "Ive got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious literature to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "Youre one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "Mmmm…tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think its getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"
Dear God,
Please make me less of a homebody.
I should call you Mom, or Dad actually… you have been there for me through thick and thin and are like my family member.
Uhh.. by the way, Mom, whats for dinner? Ill be back soon. Wait for me..
Saddam Hussein and President George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices 3 buttons on the side of Saddams chair.
They begin talking. After about 5 minutes, Saddam presses the first button.
A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs.
A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the 2 countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, hes finally had enough, knowing that he cant do much else but say Im going back home! he tells the Iraqi. Well finish these talks in two weeks!
Two weeks pass and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. Asthe 2 men sit down, Hussein notices 3 buttons on Bushs chair and prepares himself for the Americans revenge.
They begin talking and Saddam is uncooperative, Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Bush snickers.
A few seconds later, as Hussein continues his belligerence, Bush presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter.
As things progress, then the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
Forget this, says Saddam. Im going back to Baghdad!
Bush then says through tears of laughter, What Baghdad?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ron!
Ron who?
Ron dinnertime, give me a call!