04
Sep

The Cajun Night Before Christmas

It was de night jus right befo Christmas an all down de bayou, errytang was quiet; not even a nutria go pitty pat in de waduh. An inside my house, me an my wife was flat poop out from all dat Christmas preparatin, an was jes bout ready to retire for de night. Le petit garcon an la petite fille, dat is our little boy an our little girl, was already fas asleep on dere moss mattress an visions of de Fais Do Do dance tru dere heads, dem lil darlins. Dem long john was hung by de log burner wit care in hope dat St. Nicholas soon would brought hisself dere … Now dat de scene is set, Quest-ce qui se passe?

Well, out dere on de bayou dere arose such a clatter, I jump from my bed to see what was de matter. I run like de rabbit to got to de door, an I trip on de dog an fall on de floor. But, when I got dere finally, an push away de sack an peek tru de crack an look in de far away, what you tought I saw! Well, you can tought youself again cause you aint goin believe dis, no! De moon, she was magnifique how she shine on de cypress tree an reflect off de bayou. An coming right up to me at my house was dis great big fancy pirogue being drewed along by eight great big ole alimagator! Inside, a little old driver in Santa Claus costume was movin along like some crawfish done snuck up his culottes. Fas like de duck he fly, an call out to his alimagator like so: Got yourself a move on, Alphonse, Gaston, Raul, Pierre. You see, he call dem each by name. Come on, Etienne, Alois, Alcide, an Bozo. Ill make soup out you tail if you dont got yourself a move on! You is some slow alimagator, yeah!

Well, its up on de rooftop dem alimagator dey climb; Saint Nick, in his pirogue, hes right behind. An up on de rooftop, it sound like de hail when dem big alimagator dey flop down dere tail! As I tought in my head, What is he up dere for?, down the chimney Santa Claus come wit a bang and land right on dem red hot coal in de fireplace! Man, he got out dat fireplace some fast, I guarantee! An, I got to see Santa Claus, an I check him out pretty good cause you dont got to see him in you house, you know, jus erry day! He was all dress up in dried muskrat from his head to his foot, an his clothes was all mess up wit ashes an soot. A sack full of playting he had on hung his back; he look like a peddler what was jus about ready to open up his pack. He had a broad grin an a round little belly dat shook when he laugh like a bowl full of jelly. His eyes, how dey shine; his dimples how merry! He look like he bin drinking de wine from de blackberry. Wit a wink of his eye an a jerk of his head, I guarantee you I know I aint got nuttin to be fraid of, no! Well, he went fast to his work an fill dem long john wit erreyting what you could tought of an, when he fini, he lay both hand on top his head; he look at dat fireplace and done said, Wit all dat fire an dem red hot coal, I aint going back dat way, dats for sure! So, its right out de front door he go. He climb up on de roof and sprung to his pirogue an crack his big whip. Dem big alimagator, dey move out an not one make a slip. An I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight, an dis is what I want to pass along to you, dis lesson what I learn from what happen to me like Im told you from las year; I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight, Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Night!

04
Sep

Why me!?!

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed.

However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, Officer, I know I was speeding, but I dont think its fair – there were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?

Ever go fishing? the policeman suddenly asked the man. Ummm, yeah… the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, Ever catch *all* the fish?

04
Sep

The Truth

With all due respect, President Clinton was telling the truth when he said he was not having sex with that woman… Of course he was referring to Hillary!

04
Sep

priest and a rabbi

A priest and a rabbi go walking Down the street


and this 13 year old boy walks in front of them


The Priest Says That boy is so hot isnt he?



The Rabbi Replys What are you talking about?



The Priest again That boy is very dont You Think?



The Rabbi What do you mean?



The Priest Says Well Lets Screw Him?



The Rabbi Screw him out of What?

03
Sep

Yo mama

Yo mama so dumb that when people said it was chilly outside, she went and got a bowl.

03
Sep

Build something foolproof and every

Build something foolproof and every fool will use it.

03
Sep

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon

03
Sep

New Windows

Last
year I replaced all the windows in my house with
those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind,
but this week I got a call from the contractor, complaining
his work had been completed a year ago and I had
yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around
and around Just because Im a blonde does not mean
Im automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell
him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told
me last year – namely, that in one year, the windows
would pay for themselves…. There was silence on
the other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have
not heard anything back.

03
Sep

Revisionist historian

(From The Daily Californian (UC Berkeley student paper), 2/27/89, page 1,
Holocaust exaggerated, British historian claims)

British historian David Irving said Thursday night that Adolph Hitler
was unaware of the mass killing of Jews at the Auschwitz concentration
camp during World War II.

Irving said that professors float historical claims like a Goodyear blimp
and are waiting for someone to come along and prick it.

I AM THAT PRICK, he said.

Oh, what poetic justice….

03
Sep

The importance of proofreading – dogs

Lost: Small apricot poodle – Reward. Neutered, just like one of the family.
Dog For Sale: Great Dames.
Dog For Sale: Eats anything; especially fond of children.