Old and New Jokes

When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agents hands. The
agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.

After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, Have I got all
ye say there?

The agent said, Certainly ye have…Why dye ask?

Replied Murphy, Cancel the sale…tis too good to part with.

There was an elderly couple that was on their way for a 2 week vacation on a carribean cruise. The wife, unfortunately, forgot her hearing aides at home…

Upon arriving to the cabin that was to be theirs during the trip, they noticed that it had 2 bunk beds. So, as they were retiring for the first nite, the husband says to his wife, Up, or down?. The wife inexplicably removes all her clothing and makes love to her husband all nite long.

The next nite, the husband wonders if hell get lucky again… So, he says to his wife, Up, or down? She again removes all her clothing and makes love to him all nite long.

This continues for 2 glorious weeks.

When they arrive home from their trip, the wife retrieves her hearing aides. As they retire for the first nite home, the husband decides to try the magic words again… Up, or down? His wife says, What?. To which he replies, During the whole trip, my dear, I said those words every nite and you took off all your clothes and made love to me all nite long. The wife says, Ooooh, I thought you said Fuck, or drown !.

A: Bobbing for French fries.

B E G I N H E R E
+——————+
|
YES +—————+ NO
/——–| Does It Work? |——–
| +—————+ |
| |
/ /
+————-+ +———-+
| Dont Mess | YES | Did You | NO
/—| With It | /———-| Mess |——
| +————-+ | | With It? | |
| | +———-+ |
| / |
| /———— |
| | You IDIOT! | /
| ————/ +————-+
| +——–+ | YES | Will You |
| NO | Does |<———/ /————| Pay For It? |
| —-| Anyone | | +————-+
| | | Know ? |————– | | NO
| | +——–+ YES | | /
| | / / +———–+
| | /————— YES | Will You |
| | /—–>| You Poor Fool |<——| Be Fired? |
| | /——— | —————/ +———–+
| –>| Hide It | | | | NO
| ———/ | / |
| | | NO +—————+ /
| | ——| Can You Blame | /———-
| | | Someone Else? | | Trash It |
| | +—————+ ———-/
| ————- | YES |
| | | |
| / / |
| +———————–+ |
———————->| N O P R O B L E M !! |<——–/
+———————–+

1,222!1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed;28 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and explain how the light bulb could have been changed differently;14 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs;149 to write to the list administrator about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list;111 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to litebulb-list;112 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list;309 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty;26 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs;15 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs;4 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list;32 to link all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers and then add Me too;13 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy;18 to quote the Me toos to say Me three;5 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ;43 to ask What is a FAQ?;6 to ask Didnt we go through this a short time ago on Usenet?;141 to ask Whats Usenet?;9 to argue whether its lightbulb or light bulb;Another 9 to condemn those 9 as anal-retentive;177 to demand that cross posting to illuminati-l about changing light bulbs be stopped.

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my potential-acquaintance-abuse-survivor gave to me:

Twelve males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

Eleven pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note…);

Ten melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping;

Nine persons engaged in rythmic self-expression,

Eight economically disadvantaged but still virginal Gyno-Americans stealing milk products from enslaved Bovine-Americans;

Seven endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands;

Six enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products;

Five golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration;

(Note: after a member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised).

Four hours of recorded whale songs,

Three deconstructionist poets;

Two Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses;

And a spotted owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Dumb man + smart woman = affair

Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesnt need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To
be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at
all.

Married men lived longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing
to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, theres no use in two people
remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesnt.

A man marries a woman expecting that she wont change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man understands a woman – before marriage and after
marriage.

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one, once youve managed to present the problem in terms he/she is familiar with.

A madam decides to retire & get married. Her main requirement in a husband is that he be a virgin. She meets an Australian whom she is convinced is a virgin & marries him.

On their honeymoon she says Im going to the bathroom & get ready. You get things ready out here.

When she comes out of the bathroom, he has pushed all the furniture out in the hall.

Why did you do that? she asked.

Well love, I figured if women were anything like kangaroos wed need all the room we can get