Un dÃa, frotándose la cabeza, Pepito siente una protuberancia y va y le pregunta a su mamá:
Mamá, ¿por qué tengo este chichón en la cabeza?
Pues lo tienes desde que naciste, hijo. Lo que pasa es que cuando ibas a nacer, a tu papá le dieron ganas de hacer el amor y, como tú venÃas de cabeza, te hizo ese chipote con su cosa.
Pepito se queda pensando y responde: ¡Qué suerte que venÃa de cabeza!, porque si hubiera venido de nalgas… ¡el cabrón nos coge a los dos!
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: Boys, we all know Ive been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I dont know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows but I aint givin him any of mine.
Second Bull: That pretty much says it for me, too. Ive been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows weve agreed are mine.=
Ill fight im till I run him off or kill im, but IM KEEPIN ALL MY COWS.
Third Bull: Ive only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another- Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: Ahem…You know, its actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.
Second Bull: Ill have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. Im certainly not looking for an argument.
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.
Third Bull: Hell, he can have ALL my cows. Im just making sure he knows IM a bull!
A policeman, patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot, saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the drivers seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting.
Stopping to investigate, he walked up to the drivers window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said,Yes, Officer?
What are you doing? the policeman asked.
Well, sir, Im reading, and my girlfriend is knitting a sweater.
How old are you, son? the officer asked.
Im twenty, the boy replied, looking at his watch. And in about twelve minutes, shell be eighteen.
Marriage still confers one very special privilege – only a married person can get divorced.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You dont. Theyre born that way.
Lifeguard: Ive been watching you, Mr. <stereotypical ethnic
name>, and youll have to stop urinating in the pool.
<ethnic>: But everybody urinates in the pool.
Lifeguard: From the diving board?
Frank
You might be a redneck if…
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
THE NIGHT BEFORE RAMADAN
by Kurl
Twas the night before Ramadan, and all through Kabul,
With the Taliban facing the end of their rule;
Bin Laden was crouching, all snug in his lair,
For soon he would hang in the towns public square;
As he hid in his cave, dirt and rocks for his bed
Our brave Special Forces will soon hand him his head;
And then deep in his bunker, a THUNDEROUS CLAP!
As Osama prepared for the ultimate nap.
As our B-52s did relentlessly batter,
All his troops and companions attempted to scatter.
From their cavernous fortress, a near blinding flash,
And the Taliban soldiers became corned beef hash.
In December, Afghanistans covered in snow,
Will it slow our campaign? Hell, the answer is NO!
Our resolve, it is strong, and our mission is clear,
As we wipe off their faces that most hideous sneer.
It will not be tomorrow, it may not be quick,
For these goons spawn from evil, their motives are sick.
More rapid than eagles our forces they came,
With a rage in our eye, and the heat of our flame:
Now Yassar! Bin Laden! Yo, Saddam Hussein!
We will soon put an end to your terrible reign!
For as long as it takes, well pursue east and west,
We will hunt you all down and smoke out your rats nest.
For wherever you scurry, wherever you fly,
You will stay in our sights, rest assured you will fry.
Just like white is on rice, to your asses were glued
If you want my assessment, Id say you are screwed.
It was then that I heard what I thought was a goof…
We must stop these attacks, for we havent the proof!
Theyre a peace-loving people, as is all of Islam,
And youll soon stir their wrath by persisting to bomb.
We will gather in Berkeley to sing Kumbaya,
And well pine for our hero from Hope, Arkansas;
Its our fault, dont you know, now America pays,
For free enterprise, greed, and imperial ways.
Well light candles, hold vigils, the Koran we will quote,
Youll hear nary a whimper when they come slit our throat.
They can blow up our bridges, rain terror and fear,
And if anyone asks, well just quote Richard Gere;
We must yield to their wishes, understand why were wrong,
Well hold hands in a circle and toke on a bong;
For its Ramadan, Ramadan, season of prayer,
Are you done with that bong? Man, I wish you would share!
We will surgically strike with the deadliest stealth,
They will realize our missiles are bad for their health;
We are proud of the way that this countrys been led,
And wont let these thugs cause us horror and dread;
Let us now keep our word, and accomplish our work,
And then once and for all well get rid of this jerk,
Then out of our sorrow, an eagle will rise,
As we hold our heads proudly and look to the skies;
Yes we WILL wave the flag at the end of the day,
For our freedom and spirit they cant take away.
Then we all will exclaim, as were hoisting Old Glory,
Go to hell, Taliban! Its the end of your story!
(c) somebody, Im sure, but it aint me!
Osama Has Sent You An Im Sorry Note
from Blue Mountain Greeting Cards
Dear Lord,
Heavenly father, full of grace, bless my boyfriends foxy face. Bless his hair that grows so straight, keep him from the girls i hate. cause lord, him and me go together great!
Amen
A lawyer needed a leak fixed and called the plumber; who after about 45 minutes was done and all cleaned up. That will be $75 said the plumber. The lawyer objected saying Im a lawyer, and I dont even get that much an hour! The plumber responded: I didnt either, when I was a lawyer.