Old and New Jokes

Hung Chow call his boss and says: “Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I not come work.”The boss says: “Hung Chow I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that.”Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house.”

A blonde, a brunnette and a redhead all tried out for the same job as road stripers. The boss told them they would all work for three days and whoever painted the most would get the job. At the end of the first day, the redhead had painted 3 miles, the brunette had painted 2.5 miles and the blonde had painted 10 miles.



The boss was so excited he told her to keep it up and the job was hers. The next day, the redhead painted 5 miles and the brunette 5.6 miles and the blond 4 miles. He told her not to worry, she still had a good lead. So, on the third day the redhead had painted 6 miles, the brunette 5 miles and the blonde only one mile.



The boss was so disappointed, he asked the blonde, What went wrong, you were doing so well. She said, Well, that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away.

Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the Ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.

After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object, floating toward them in the water.

As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, O.K., so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, Ive been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly, Im burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then Im outta here, so make it a good one.

The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!

Fine, said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer, and disappeared.

Great move, Einstein, said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. Now were gonna have to pee in the boat!

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. Bad day at the course? his wife asked.

Everything was going fine, he said. Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee.

Oh, thats awful!

Youre not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry.

Q: How many Wake Forest students does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two – one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.

Jack and Jill were working in a factory. One day the supervisor approaches Jill and says, Jill. Im afrid Im going to have to lay you or Jack off. Jill replies,Well, you better Jack off because Im too tired.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A: The prostitute stops fucking you after your dead.

Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two–one to screw the bulb into the water faucet while the other tells us that everything possible is being done to help the situation.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing Put me in my little bed accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers will meet with the Pastor in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg on the alter.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees.

There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling

because there are 180 degrees between north and south.