Old and New Jokes

Un vecino del barrio llega a la comisaría y le dice al oficial que quiere presentar una denuncia. El oficial le dice, Dígame ¿cuál es su denuncia?

Yo soy Juan Lozano y vivo en la cuadra siguiente.

Ah, claro, usted es Juan el dueño de un VW.

Sí, oficial, resulta que…

Claro , ese VW todo destartalado, que usted no lo limpia nunca, está todo sucio, se le caen las puertas, los vidrios están rotos, usted nunca le echa aceite, jamás le a hecho un engrase, las llantas están casi en lona, los asientos están rotos… sí claro que me acuerdo de usted…..¿Cuál es su denuncia?

(Compungido) Me han robado mi carro…

No Juan, tu carro no te lo han robado….¡HA HUIDO!

One day an old rooster who was the king of the hen house is approached by a young strong rooster who says, You have been king of this hen house for a long time. It is time for me to step in and take over so I am calling you out. If I can take you in a fight, then I will become king of the roost.

The old rooster replies, I know I have gotten old and you can probably knock my block off. I really dont want to fight you. I am willing to step down from my position but I want to do it with dignity. Lets have a race. We will race around the hen house three times. If you let me lead the first two laps, I will feel like I have had my final moment of glory and will step down as king of the hen house. You can pass me at the beginning of the third lap, win the race, and step in as the new king of the roost.



The young rooster agrees and the race begins. The old rooster is getting pretty tired by the end of the second lap and the young rooster starts to close in to make the pass and lead the final lap.



Just then, there is a series of shotgun blasts from the farm house. The young rooster is sent spinning across the barn yard with the second blast.



Over on the farm house porch, the farmer puts down his shotgun, turns to his wife and says, Damn, Mildred, that is the third mixed up rooster we have had this week!!

A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, Honey, I know weve been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce.

The wife says nothing, but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.

He then says, I dont want you to try to talk me out of it, because Ive been having an affair with your best friend, and shes a better lover than you are.

Again the wife stays quiet, but speeds up as her anger increases.

I want the house, he insists, pressing his luck.

Again the wife speeds up to eighty mph.

He says, I want the car, too, but she just drives faster and faster.

By now shes up to ninety mph. All right, he says, I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too.

The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.

This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, Isnt there anything you want?

The wife says, No, Ive got everything I need.

Oh, really, he says, So what have you got?

Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says,…

The airbag.

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, What in the world happened to you, buddy?.

The guy says, Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore. Yeah? asks the bartender. What did she do?

She hit me with her bag of quarters!.

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is known for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet.

One of the psychiatrist asks, What are you doing? She replies, Im studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society. Wow, thats wonderful.

The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, What are you doing? Im studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out.

Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis.

The psychiatrist exclaimed, My God what are you doing?

The man replied, Im fucking nuts and Im never getting out of here!

There was this nouveau riche blond girl, who went to the nearest Mercedes showroom with a pocketful of dollars, and came out with the latest model. Half an hour later she was back at the showroom, claiming a that the car they sold her was terrible, that she was disappointed a brand-new Mercedes would get a fault in the gearbox after 15 minutes. The management apologized and gave her a new car. Again, after half an hour she came back. The management offered her a new car, but sent along one of their engineers to see if they could figure out what the problem was. She put in the first gear… sped up… put in second… third… fourth… fifth…. “And now,” she said, “for the rocket,” and threw it in reverse.

Signs You Bought a Bad Christmas Tree



Two feet tall, forty feet wide



Salesmans opening line: Youre not a cop, are you?



It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers



While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride.



Each branch has Duraflame printed on it.



Keeps heckling your lame top ten list



Its very small and says air freshener on it.



Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.



Some guy named Mujibur puts a crappy Statue of Liberty on top of it



Constantly bragging about its trunk size

Ms. Nice Guy – Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldnt have

Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze,

doormat

Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly

Disadvantages: May wise up someday



Old Yeller – You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a

bitch! Cant you see youre making me miserable??

Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell

Advantages: Pays attention to you

Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans



Sickly – Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite

Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy

Advantages: Predictable

Disadvantages: Contagious



The Bosser – Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut.

Change your job. Make some money. Dont give me that look.

Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes,

Mom

Advantages: Often right

Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?



Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied – I just cant decide. Should I switch my career,

goals, home, and hair color?

Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw cmon Honey

Advantages: Easily soothed

Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed



Wild Woman out of Control – Ive got an idea. Lez get drunk an make love

onna front lawn. I done it before. Sfun.

Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out

Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys

Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs



Huffy – I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering

at

Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition,

iceberg, Snarly

Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you

Disadvantages: You will have no friends



Woman from Mars – I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel

about our relationship

Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,

Artistic

Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable

Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud



Ms. Dreamgirl – I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my

handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love

like crazed weasels now

Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous

Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited

Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee – the natural
enemy of a tightrope walker.

Q: Why are Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinksy, and O.J. Simpson such bad golfers.

A: Monica is a hooker, O.J. is a slicer and Bill doesnt know what hole to put it in.