Old and New Jokes

What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?

A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

Free the Heinz 57!

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that thats the governments job.

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Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Cant possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

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Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Dont, but only because they cant get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 5 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

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Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box.
Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other fans.
Canadians: Prefer to actually engage in sports rather than watch them.

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Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.

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Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it English.
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it English.
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add Gday, mate, and a heavy accent to everything they say

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Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country.

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Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Cant agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

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Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

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Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.
Aussies: Wollow on about how some of their past citizens were once outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.

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Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

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Canadians: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways and avoid assimilation.
Americans: Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly and dump their old ways.
Brits: Encourage immigrants to go to Canada or America.

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Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Dont have to do either, and couldnt care less.
Aussies: Dont understand what inclement weather means.

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Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians, like John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!
Brits: Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them because they dont understand subtle humour.

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband gave his wife a gift – a tombstone, with the inscription: HERE LIES MY WIFE – COLD AS EVER.

Later the furious wife bought a return present – also a tombstone – on which the inscription read :HERE LIES MY HUSBAND – STIFF AT LAST.

Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit1 slice whole wheat toast8 oz. skim milkLunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast1 cup steamed spinach1 cup herb tea1 Oreo cookieMid-Afternoon Snack:The rest of Oreos in the package2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream1 jar hot fudge sauceDinner:2 loaves garlic bread4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza3 Snickers barsLate Evening News:Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)Rules for This DietIf you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.When you eat with someone else, calories dont count if you do not eat more than they do.Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of ones personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.Anything consumed from someone elses plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal.

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.



In response to Bills comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:



1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.



2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.



3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.



4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.



5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought Car95 or CarNT. Then you would have to buy more seats.



6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.



7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single general car fault warning light.



8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.



9. The airbag system would say Are you sure? before going off.



10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.



11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.



12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.



13. Youd press the Start button to shut off the engine.

A:Wich cartoom charactar swares the most?

Q:Road Runner!Beep beep!

This elderly Newfoundland fisherman is on his deathbed and summons his 3 sons to his bedside. Well boys, the time is near, and when I pass Id like to be buried at sea. So the boys agreed. A few days after his passing, the local front page read, Local Fishermen Were Shocked Today When Their Nets Brought in Patrick McRay in a Coffin, 3 Shovels and the Bodies of His Three Sons… Funeral arrangements havent yet been made, however, it is believed all wished to be buried at sea.

The following conversation ensued:Man: I am 82 years old, and have a wonderful wife of 60 years; many children; grandchildren; and even a couple of great grandchildren.Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. For some reason, they thought I was kind of interesting. One thing led to another, and we ended up at a motel where I had sex with each of them twice.Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?Man: What sins?Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?Man: Im Presbyterian.Priest: Why are you telling me all this?Man: Im telling everybody.