The Twelve Days After Christmas
The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite
Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtle doves
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup [peop100078_x51.WMF (46812 bytes)]
The four calling birds were a big mistake
For their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake
and turned my fingers green.
The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldnt lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the A.S.P.C.A.
On the seventh day, what a mess I found
The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned
(I think theres a my true love gave to me in here somewhere)
The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Eight maids-a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords-a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming – well, actually I kept one of the
drummers –
And sent them back collect
I wrote my true love
We are through, love!
And I said in so many words
Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the
(Soprani) Birds!
(Everyone else) Four calling birds,
Three french hens,
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree!
OBSERVATION:
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman. If you dont, you are not a man.
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying. If you dont, you are good for nothing.
If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing. If you dont, you are not understanding.
If you make romance, you are an experienced man. If you dont you are half a man.
If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring. If you dont, she accuses you of double crossing.
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy. If you dont, you are a dull boy.
If you are jealous, she says its bad. If you dont , she thinks you do not love her.
If you attempt a romance, she says you didnt respect her. If you dont, she thinks you do not like her.
If you are a minute late, she complains its hard to wait. If she is late, she says thats a girls way.
If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel. If she is visited by another, oh its natural, we are girls.
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold. If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage.
If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics. If you do, she thinks its just one of the mans tactics.
If you stare at other, she accuses you of flirting. If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring.
If you talk, she wants you to listen. If you listen, she wants you to talk.
ANALYSIS:
These creatures So simple, So weak, So confusing, y
CONCLUSION:
It is a wonder that these WOMEN are able to survive in the world. All test results have indicated that WOMEN are irrational. Precaution is advised when handling them.
A young boy was in math class, watching a movie about how when we studied math, it was like we were burning it for fuel. The next day the boy came in and sat down. The teacher asked Where is your math book? and the boy said The movie talked about burning math for fuel, and so I burned my math!
Your mom is so stupid she tried to wake up a sleeping bag.
Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
1. Twice this week youve been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.
3. On her show, she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
4. That telltale lemon slice in the dogs water bowl.
5. You get a threatening note made up of letters out of a magazine with pinking shears, and theyre all the same size, the same font, and precisely
lined up in razor-sharp rows.
6. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal and saffron demi-glace, with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.
7. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.
8. No matter where you eat, your place setting
always includes an oyster fork.9. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.
10. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,†Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I dont know where I am.The woman below replied, You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.You must be an engineer, said the balloonist.I am, replied the woman. How did you know? Well, answered the balloonist, everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, youve not been much help so far.The woman below responded, You must be in management.I am, replied the balloonist, but how did you know?Well, said the woman, you dont know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, its my fault!
Ginsberg meets his old friend Kaplan and says, Kaplan, how are you? I havent seen you in years. Kaplan replies, Truthfully, Ginsberg, things have not gone very well. I just underwent the sorrow of burying my wife. Ginsberg then exclaims, Wait a minute, Kaplan! I distinctly remember attending your wifes funeral ten years ago. In fact, thats the last time I saw you. Kaplan retorts, No, that funeral was for my first wife. Ginsberg then beems and with a hearty smile says, Wait a minute, I didnt know you had remarried. Mazel tov!!
A man walks into a bar and hears piano music. He looks at the piano and
cant see anyone sitting there, so he walks over and discovers a foot-tall
man standing on the piano bench playing the tune of Dixie-Girl. The man
thought that this was strange so he goes over to the bartender and asks
where the man came from.
Here, says the bartender, handing the man a genie lamp, rub this.
So the man rubs the lamp and out comes this genie.
What do you wish for? asks the genie.
A million bucks, the man states, quite sure of himself.
Granted. And the genie claps his hands and disappeared back into the
lamp.
The man looks around, checks his wallet but cant find a million bucks
anywhere. Just that moment, a million ducks fly through the bar.
Astounded the man says: Hey! I didnt ask for a million ducks!
Do you think that I asked for a 12 inch pianist? replied the bartender.