Old and New Jokes

Bathroom key tied to an angry ferrett.
Christmas bonus is a swig from the company thermos.
Office intercom is two soup cans and a piece of string.
Hard to concentrate with all those 60 Minutes reporters hanging around.
Boss walks around wearing nothing but a Post-It note.
Every week, each cubicle is subdivided into four smaller cubicles.
Instead of White-Out, youre encouraged to use mayonnaise.
After a few hours on your desk, the people in your family photos stop smiling.
Cafeteria lunch special is whatever got caught in the glue trap.
No desk chairs – everybody squats.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following;

Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Denna I come once-a more.

You fowl-mouthed swine, retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we dont talk about our sex lives in public!

Hey, coola down lady, said the man, Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness.

The defense attorney asked, Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?

No sir, answered the man.

Did you ever get any from his wife?

No sir.

Did you ever get any from his daughters?

Uh – excuse me sir, the witness said, but were still talking about drugs here, right?

Our man Bob, has worked at the ballbearing factory in his home town, for the past fourty years without an accident. Suddenly one day everything went wrong, there was a huge explosion and the bulk of the factory is blown to bits.

The next day Bob finds himself in the hospital, wrapped in bandages and surrounded by loved ones. Just then the doctor walks in and tells Bob the bad news. Well, says the sawbones, I guess threres no easy way to tell you this son, but youve lost your penis. We did everything we could to save it but it was just too damaged.

Well, Bob lay silent for a few moments, and then asked: What the hell am I going to do now?

Not to worry, replied the doc, Ive got a drawer full of replacements, Ill simply graft one on after youve had a few weeks of rest.

So, a few weeks go by and Bob ends up at the doctors office. After a bit of small talk they get down to business.

Now Bob, says the doc, Ive got quite a few different penises here for you to look at, and each has a different price tag.

So the doctor opens the drawer in his file cabinet and there are some smallish penises in it.

Theyre pretty small, says Bob, if I have to pay for this I want the biggest and best youve got.

So the doc opens the second drawer of the cabinet and there are some penises that are a bit bigger than the first. How much for one of them, askes Bob.

These are the eight inchers, and they go for about eight hundred, says the doc.

I said, I want the biggest and best youve got. replies Bob.

The doc then jumps to the next drawer. These are the ten inchers, and they go for about one thousand dollars, he says.

Bob takes a good long look, then takes another look, and finally says, These are just about perfect, do have any in white?

10. Instead of music, youre ice dancing to Larry Kings radio show
9. Right this minute youre shoveling driveways for beer money
8. Youre the only speed skater not wearing pants
7. Two words: Team Fiji
6. Instead of the Olympic Village youre staying at the Lillehammer Days Inn
5. Youre in the biathlon and you exchanged your rifle for a Toys R Us gift certificate
4. It takes a bottle of corn oil to get you in and out of your luge suit
3. You trained for the last 4 years by throwing hatchets at your living room wall
   (Here, the famous clip of Dave throwing axes into his living room wall was shown)
2. Your ice dancing partner is Roseanne Arnold
1. Your name is Tonya Harding

This is a completely hypothetical situation that must be answered according to your morals:

Pretend that youre a photographer who has gone out to the Midwest to take pictures of an ongoing flood. Now as youre wandering around looking for a good shot, you see George W. Bush in the middle of a rushing river, holding onto a thin branch so he wont get swept away. The branch is about halfway broken, and you know it will break altogether in a matter of minutes. Now you can do one of two things: You can either rescue him or take an award-winning picture that will secure your place in photographic history.

Now for the question:

Which lens would you use?

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother hes fallen in love and that he is going to get married.


He says, Just for fun, Ma, Im going


to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one Im going to


marry.


The mother agrees.


The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.


He then says, Okay, Ma, guess which one Im going to marry.


She immediately replies, The one on the right.


Thats amazing, Ma. Youre right. How did you


know?


The Jewish mother replies, I dont like her.

One day a boy approached his mother with a question. Mom, how come every night I hear you and daddy fighting and yelling, but when I look in your room youre on top of each other?

His mother ,very surprised, replies; Honey you know how fat daddy is, Im jumping on top of him to help him lose weight.

The boy knows thats not working and tells his mother why…

Mom thats not going to help, because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work, and blows him back up again!

Men know…..

… that Mother Natures best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.

… that PMS is Mother Natures way of telling you to get out of the house.

… that if she looks like your mother, run.

… that there are at least three sides to every story: His, hers, and the truth.

… never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

… how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

… exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.

… that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

… that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get ticked off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

… that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bambi.

… that its never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.

… that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

You are a child of the 80S if:

• You know what a burnout is.
• You know what Sike means.
• You know the profound meaning of Wax on, Wax off.
• You know that another name for a keyboard is a Synthesizer.
• You wanted to be a Goonie.
• You know who Max Headroom is.
• You ever wore flourescent, neon if you will, clothing.
• You could breakdance, or wish you could.
• You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
• Partying like its 1999 seemed so far away.
• You wanted to be on StarSearch.
• You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.
• You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth, or knew someone who
  did.

• You knew what Willis was talkin bout.
• You had to have your MTV.
• You hold a special place in your heart for Back to the Future.
• You thought Molly Ringwald was really cool.
• You actually thought Dirty Dancing was a really good movie.
• You heard of Garbage Pail Kids.
• You knew The Artist when he was humbly called Prince.
• You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.
• You own any cassettes.
• You were led to believe that in the year 2000 wed all be living on the
  moon.

• You remember and/or own any of the CareBear Glass collection from Pizza Hut.
• Or any other stupid collection they came out with.
• Poltergeist freaked you out.
• You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an E.T. lunchbox.
• You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
• You know what a Doozer is.
• You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish, or knew
  someone who did.

• You ever had a Swatch Watch.
• You can name 1/2 the members of Duran Duran.
• You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
• You had WonderWoman or Superman underoos.
• You know what a Whammee is.
• You had a crush on Jon Bon Jovi, or knew someone who did.

If you can identify with at least half of this list then you are most certainly
a product of the 80s!