Old and New Jokes

Le dice una mujer a su esposo:

Mi amor, hoy estamos cumpliendo años de casados, ¿por qué no matamos un pollo?

¿Y qué culpa tiene el pollo? Mejor matemos al imbécil de tu hermano que fue el que nos presentó.

En la maternidad de La Paz han comprado una máquina para ayudar en los partos a las mujeres. Llega una madre acompañada por su esposo y les dice un doctor:

Miren, tenemos esta máquina que va a ser una revolución. Sirve para transferir parte del dolor del parto al padre, de forma que la madre no tiene que sufrir mucho. Estarían ustedes dispuestos a probarla?

Sí.

Bueno, pues el esposo se sienta aquí y como está en fase experimental, de momento pondremos la maquina tan solo al 10%, y ustedes me van diciendo.

Y como el parto progresa de la forma normal, el esposo dice:

Oiga, que no noto nada. ¿Por qué no suben la maquina al 20%?

El esposo sigue sin sufrir ningún dolor.

Mas, mas, pónganla al 50%.

La madre siente un alivio enorme, pero el padre ni se inmuta.

Oigan, que de verdad que no me pasa nada, pónganla al 100%. Y la madre da a luz sin dolor y están todos contentísimos. Hasta que el joven matrimonio vuelve a su casa y se encuentran al cartero muerto en la puerta.

There once was a boy named doda .he had no arms no legs .his friends where scared of dodas mother, so they had to see who picked the smallest straw to ask dodas mother if he can go fishing. so when the one boy went to ask, the mother said ok. when they got there doda fell over board so they went home . then they saw the mother and she asked where is doda ,they said doda fell over borad doda doda, doda fell over board doda doda day.

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

What is it, child?

Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, My dear, I have good news. That isnt a sin – its only a mistake.

A blonde is driving home one evening and decides to try something new, so she pulls into the video store to rent a porno. She chooses the title she likes best and drives home, then puts on something comfortable and inserts the video into her VCR. To her disappointment, theres nothing but static on the tape, so she calls the store and explains what happened. The clerk asks her the name of the tape, and she says, Head Cleaner.

Jesus was standing on a hill talking to his people.
He who hath not sinned, cast the first stone." Just then a stone came flying from the back of the crowd and hit him hard on the head.
Ouch, Mom! I hate when you do that!"

An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the
taxi approached a red light, the tourist was shocked to see
the driver drive straight through without even slowing down.

Surprised as he was, he didnt say anything, feeling himself
a guest and not wanting to make waves. The trip continued
without event until the next intersection. This time the
light was green and, to the Americans dismay, the cab driver
brought the vehicle to a grinding halt. Unable to contain
his astonishment, he turns to the driver:

Listen, he says, when you went through the red light, I
didnt say anything. But, why, in heavens name, are you
stopping at a green light?!

The Israeli driver looks at him as if the American was
deranged:

Are you crazy?! he shouts. The other guy has a red
light–do you want to get us killed?!

Is there any truth to the rumour that Michael Jackson is to re-release an earlier hit. Its now titled …

It doesnt matter if youre Black THEN White

A blonde is working as a lifeguard at a swimming pool when a girl begins to drown, screaming "Lifesaver! Lifesaver!" The blonde thinks for a moment, and then asks "Cherry or grape?"

A long time ago when America was being settled, a group of people headed west in a wagon train from the east coast. The wagon train leader was very inexperienced and soon the people realized they were hopelessly lost. After wandering for weeks and weeks, their food supplies were gone and winter was fast approaching.

As the group came over a hill they saw the first person they had seen for days; a strange old man sitting beneath a tree. The leader of the wagon train approached the man. Can you help us? Were heading west but were lost and all our food is gone. Were starving.

The old man replied, You know, I can see the future … Wait … Im getting a vision now. He held one hand to his brow and closed his eyes in concentration. Its coming. Oh yes, I see, I see.

I know what you must do. Go up this hill and down the other side. Go through the forest and across the stream. Then go up the next hill and down to the valley below. There you will find a bacon tree.

A bacon tree? asked the wagon tree leader.

A bacon tree. Trust me. I can see the future.

The wagon train leader shrugged and headed off. The group followed the strange old mans directions exactly. They went up the hill, down the other side, through the forest, across the stream, up the next hill and down to the valley below. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Not a thing and especially not a bacon tree.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, came Indians from all sides. It was a massacre. All but one man was killed and even he was seriously wounded. He crawled up the hill, crawled across the stream, crawled through the forest, crawled up the hill and crawled down into the valley. There, under the tree was that same strange old man, still there where they had left him.

The injured man crawled up to him and started shouting … What were you thinking? You sent us all to our deaths! We followed your instructions to the letter! We went up the hill, down the other side, through the forest, across the stream, up the next hill and down the valley below. NO BACON TREE! Just Indians, thousands of them! And the rest of my group! Theyre all DEAD!

The man held up his hand and said Wait for it … Im getting a vision … Uhuh. Ooooh. Oh, I get it … Oh my, I made a mistake … Twas not a bacon tree … Twas a hambush!