Old and New Jokes

Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and the other one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level.



The brunette team down below is whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesnt hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them.



The brunette says, What is going on up here? Were having a great time downstairs!



One of the blondes says, Yeah, but youve got a driver!

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.



She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.



As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.



Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was doing his job okay, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured it wouldnt hurt anything. So he gets a young cock and and lets it loose in the barn yard. The old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. So, they are trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. Ive got to do something about this.



He walks up to the new bird and says,So, your the new guy in town. I bet you think youre really hot stuff dont you? Im not exactly ready for the chopping block yet. I bet Im still the better bird and to prove it, I challenge you to a race around the hen house over there. Well run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens to himself.



Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. Youre on, said the young rooster. And since I know Im so great, Ill even give you a head start of half a lap. Ill still win easily, said the young cocky rooster.



So, the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race and all the hens gather around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guys lead has slipped a little but hes still hanging in there.



Unfortunately the old roosters lead continued to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he just barely led the young rooster. By then the farmer had heard all the commotion. He ran into the house, got his shot gun, and ran out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something was after his chickens. When he got there, he saw the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately took his shot gun, aimed, fired, and blew the young rooster away.



He walked away slowly, saying to himself……………… Damn, thats the third gay rooster Ive bought this month.

I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.



II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the humans bare foot.



III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything — just sit and stare.



IV. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering:

a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim — to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.



V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.



VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.



First Bull: Boys, we all know Ive been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I dont know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint giving him any of mine.



Second Bull: That pretty much says it for me, too. Ive been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows weve agreed are mine. Ill fight him till I run him off or kill him, but IM KEEPING ALL MY COWS.



Third Bull: Ive only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.



They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.



First Bull: Ahem… You know, its actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.



Second Bull: Ill have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. Im certainly not looking for an argument.



They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.



First Bull: Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.



Third Bull: Shit, he can have ALL my cows. Im just making sure he knows IM a bull!

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.



The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese.



The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies: Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.



The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.



The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, I dont have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat.

A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.



The brunette suggested, There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but its not going to be legal.



That doesnt matter at all, replied the blonde. All that matters it that I am able to sell this car.



Alright, replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldnt be a problem to sell your car.



The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunettes advice.



About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, Did you sell your car?



No! replied the blonde. Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it.

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch Im going to jump off this building



The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time Im going to jump off, too.



The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time Im jumping too.



The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.



The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.



The blond opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.



At the funeral the Irishmans wife was weeping. She said, If Id known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!



The Mexicans wife also wept and said, I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didnt realize he hated burritos so much.



Everyone turned and stared at the blonds wife.



…………are you ready for it?………………..







Hey, dont look at me, she said, He makes his own lunch.

A highly timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?



A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, Its my dog. Why?



Well, squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, I believe my dog just killed it, sir.



What? roared the big man in disbelief. What in the hell kind of dog do you have?



Sir, answered the little man, its a little four week old female puppy.



Bull! roared the biker, how could your puppy kill my Doberman?



It appears that your dog choked on her, sir

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