Old and New Jokes

These two kids about 12 or 13 go to confession. The first one goes into
the confessional and admits having sex with a girl.

The priest says, It wasnt Carmen Angelozi was it?

The kid says No father, it wasnt.

The priest says, It wasnt Angela Fetucini was it?

The kid replies, No father, it wasnt.

The priest then says, It wasnt Maria Carmella was it?

The kid once again says, No father it wasnt.

The priest then says, Well, for your pennance say 50 Hail Marys and leave
half your allowance in the offering for 2 weeks.

When the kid leaves the confessional his friend asks him how it went to
which he replies, not bad and I got 3 leads.

A few years ago, when the Catholic church reform began to be much in
the news, Mrs. Moskowitz said to Mrs. Finkelstein, Tell me, Becky,
have you heard by chance whats going on in Rome?
No, said Mrs Finkelstein. I havent. Whats going on in Rome?
A meeting of high Catholic churchmen has, among other things,
decided that the Jews are not responsible for the crucifixion of
Jesus.
Mrs Finkelstein raised her eyebrows. Indeed? And who is
responsible, then?
Im not sure, said Mrs. Moskowitz. I think they suspect the
Puerto Ricans.

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of
Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of
agitation. Father! she cried, just wait until you hear this!

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, Now just calm
down and tell me what has you so excited? Well, father the nun
began, I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard
some of the older boys wagering money!

A serious infraction, indeed! said the priest.

But thats not what
has me so excited, father replied the nun, it was WHAT they were
wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate
the highest on the wall!!

What an incredible wager! exclaimed the priest, What did you do?

Well, I hit the ceiling, father.

How much did you win?

Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?

A: Gee, are you sure its mine?

What did God say to Eve when he caught her swimming?

Get thee out of the water
woman, I never will get that smell out of the fish.

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His
answer?
3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?

A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

Q: Why didnt the blonde want a window seat on the plane?

A1: Shed just dyed her hair.
A2: Shed just blow dried her hair and she didnt want it blown around too much.

To get to the secondhand shop.