Three men were discussing their careers and the vehicles they drove.
Im a veterinarian, said the first fellow. So, naturally, I drive a white Vette.
The men smiled in amusement.
The second man continued, I run a sign company, so I drive a purple Neon.
The men smiled and the first two now looked at the third to hear his answer. However, the third man was unusually quiet. The first two men prodded him to answer since they had each given theirs.
Well, he finally spoke, Im a proctologist and I have a brown Probe.
31
Dec
31
Dec
My father works at a government research facility, and some years
ago, when I was a little tyke (now being a big tyke) I asked him how many
people worked out there.
He replied (of course):
Oh, bout half.
Mitch Patenaude
31
Dec
When Aristotle wrote his books,
When Milton searched for a rhyme
Did they have toddlers at the knee
Requesting dinner time?When Dante contemplated hell
Or Shakespeare penned a sonnet
Did junior interrupt to say
His cake had ketchup on it?When Socrates was teaching youths
And Plato wrote the Phaedo
Were they the ones to clean the mess
The children made with Play-doh?If Edmund Burke had had to work
On all the kids ablutions
Would he have the time and strength
To speak on revolutions?Did food get bought when Darwin
Sought the origins of species
Or did he have them hush the tots
And tell them not to tease, please?When Holmes and Brandeis donned their robes
And gave their wise opinions
Was laundry piled four-feet high
With socks mixed up with linens?How much greater then the task
Of those who managed both
Who juggled scholarship with child
Development and growthAnd how much greater is the praise
For those who persevere
And finish their advanced degrees
And then take up a Career-Elizabeth Ralph Metrz
31
Dec
The Top Old Fart Games:
10. Musical Recliners
9. Spin the bottle of Mylanta
8. Hide and Go Pee
7. Simon Says something Incoherent
6. Doc, Doc Goose
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse says Bend Over
4. Kick the Bucket
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
1. Sag, Youre It
31
Dec
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: In six months Im going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind ofliving thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark.
And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark. OK, said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. Six months, and it starts to rain, thundered the Lord. Youd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time. And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.
The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. Noah, shouted the Lord, where is my Ark? A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.
Lord, please forgive me! begged Noah. I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didnt meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldnt let me catch any owls. So no owls.
Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.
Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldnt complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didnt take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the Proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now Im still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians Im supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming Im trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really dont think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years, Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. You mean youre not going to destroy the earth? Noah asked, hopefully.
No, said the Lord sadly, Government already has.
31
Dec
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, You look terrible. Whats the problem?
My mother died in June, he said, and left me $10,000.
Gee, thats tough, he replied.
Then in July, the friend continued, My father died, leaving me $50,000.
Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder youre depressed.
And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.
Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.
Then this month, continued, the friend, nothing!
31
Dec
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. They ask, So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you good?
Its pretty nice, she replies. Except they wont let you fart!
31
Dec
You might be a redneck if…
Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
31
Dec
- His idea of a key immunity deal involves penicillin shots.
- Open argument in which he called the prosecutor a Doo-Doo Head could hurt your case.
- Tries to cheer you up by saying how great you look in orange.
- In the middle of your trial, he crawls underneath the bench and actually tries to please the court.
- Uses rhyming couplets like Johnny Cochran, but they all end with Nantucket.
- Giggles hysterically at the mere mention of the Penal Code.
- Keeps trying to call a witness named Johnny, the Trouser Troll.
- A closer look at his diploma reveals its from Yale Lock School.
- The only question she can come up with during cross-examination is, Isnt it true that youre a lying bastard?
- Constantly raising objections to the vibes hes getting from the jury.
- Every time the judge sustains one of his objections, he screams, Yahtzee!
- Dental problem forces her to use short, concise sentences comprised of commonly used, clearly understood words.
- Instead of saying Your honor, I object, he now just rolls his eyes and says, Whatever.
- Claims staring at your cleavage is a necessary part of the discovery processes.
- Offers to waive his usual fees in exchange for your panties.
and Top5s Number 1 Sign Your Lawyer Isnt Working Out …
- Nice breasts, Your Honor.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
31
Dec
A blueberry jam!