Old and New Jokes

Copied from Ann Landers column who received it from John Wherle, Graffiti Magazine columnist.

Dear John Wehrle: Thanks for sending these on. They cracked me up. Here goes:

A thief stole a van in Chicago without realizing that its owner was sitting on the roof. The owner managed to hang onto the top of the car during a ride on the interstate at speeds of up to 65 mph. When the thief pulled over and got out of the car, the owner jumped on him and held him down until the police arrived.

In Virginia, a bank robber was nabbed because he made the classic mistake of returning to the scene of the crime. He was collared after he tried to deposit some of the loot into the same bank he had held up a month earlier. He was recognized because the same teller waited on him both times.

At a Topeka, Kan., convenience store, a robber who discovered there wasnt very much money in the cash register tied up the clerk and waited on customers for three hours in order to increase his take.

Note: Ann Landers is a syndicated advice columnist.

I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While
in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a
drink.

I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she
was running a little bit late. Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I
approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, Mr. Gates, I
wonder if you would do me a favor.

Yes?

Im sitting right over there, pointing to my seat at the bar, and Im waiting
on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come
walk by and just say, Hi, Ray,?

Sure.

I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten minutes
later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.

A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.

Hi, Ray, he said.

I replied, Fuck off, Gates, Im in a meeting.

Two old guys were fishing in a boat on Lake Michigan. A bottle comes floating by in the current. One codger scoops it up, sees a cork in the top, and yanks it out.

A genie pops out in a puff of smoke and says, You get one wish between the two of you–make it a good one.

The old man in the front of the boat yells back to his fishing buddy. Lemme handle this–I know just what to ask for!

He looks at the genie and says, We want the whole lake to be turned into ice cold beer! The genie nods and says, You got it, boys!

And instantaneously, the whole lake is beer!

The old man in the back of the boat throws a life preserver, smacks his buddy up-side the head, and yells out, You idiot! Why the heck did you do that?

Whadaya talking about? the other fisherman answers. I thought youd like a lake-full of beer. Whats the problem?

I do like it…but the problem is…now we gotta piss in the boat!!!!

I just have to share this one with you all.

We had a woman call 9-1-1 last night demanding to talk to an officer. When the call receiver asked what it was she was reporting, she advised that shed gotten a message on her computer that said it had an illegal operation & would now shut down.

She just wanted to report the illegal activity.

Thanks to Susan Burk (a verified 9-1-1 dispatcher)

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. These are great:

As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You… Mess It Up.
Better Be Safe Than… Punch A 5th Grader.
Strike While The… Bug Is Close.
Its Always Darkest Before… Daylight Savings Time.
Never Under Estimate The Power Of… Termites.
You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How?
Dont Bite The Hand That… Looks Dirty.
No News Is… Impossible.
A Miss Is As Good As A… Mr.
You Cant Teach An Old Dog New… Math.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, Youll… Stink In The Morning.
Love All, Trust.. Me
The Pen Is Mightier Than The… Pigs.
An Idle Mind Is… The Best Way To Relax.
Where Theres Smoke, Theres… Pollution.
Happy The Bride Who… Gets All The Presents!
A Penny Saved Is… Not Much.
Twos Company, Threes… The Musketeers.
Dont Put Off Tomorrow What… You Put On To Go To Bed.
Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And… You Have To Blow Your Nose.
None Are So Blind As… Helen Keller.
Children Should Be Seen And Not… Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Dont Succeed… Get New Batteries.
You Get Out Of Something What You… See Pictured On The Box.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind… Get Out Of The Way.
There Is No Fool Like… Aunt Eddie.

An old man died and left his talking parrot to his nephew.

Unfortunately, the old mans language was not the cleanest, and it would seem that the parrot picked up on this. The nephew did not like this, and tried to break the parrot of its swearing habit. He tried everything. He played religious music, he was kind to the bird, he spent long hours trying to teach it manners. Finally, one day, he became so frustrated, he threw the parrot into the freezer.

There, he said. Maybe hell cool off in there.

For the first few seconds, the parrot swore a blue streak inside that freezer. Then, suddenly, the parrot fell silent.

A few moments later, the nephew heard from within the freezer, If you would be so kind as to let me out, I promise to rectify my unsavory vocabulary.

Shocked and surprised, the nephew quickly opened the door and removed the chilly but sedate bird. Before he could say anything, however, the parrot spoke.

If you dont mind, may I ask what the chicken did?

Students from the local Catholic high school completed a 26 hour Charity Marathon run. Officials said the run accomplished two goals; first, to raise money for police and firefighters and second, to get as far away from the parish priest as possible.

There were 10 blondes and one brunette all hanging by one hand on a piece of rope over a cliff. If one of them let go they would all be saved and could climb back over but the one that lets go would fall to a horrible death. Seeing that none of the blondes would let go, the brunette bravely said I will let go to save you all. All the blondes were so happy that they started clapping.

• The water-proof towel
• Glow in the dark sunglasses
• Solar powered flashlights
• Submarine screen doors
• A book on how to read
• Inflatable dart boards
• A dictionary index
• Mechanical Pencil sharpeners
• Powdered water
• Pedal-powered wheel chairs
• Waterproof tea bags
• The helicopter ejector seat

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
— Groucho Marx

A newly married man asks his wife, Would you have married me if my father hadnt left me a fortune?

Darling, the woman replies sweetly, Id have maried you no matter who left you a fortune.