Old and New Jokes

Atlanta School Board

The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over Ebonics, has decided to designate Southern slang, or Hickphonics, as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI — noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.

Usage: Heidi. Hire yew.

BARD — verb. Past tense of the infinitive to borrow.

Usage: My brother bard my pickup truck.

JAWJUH — noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta.

Usage: My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.

MUNTS — noun. A calendar division.

Usage: My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts.

IGNERT — adjective. Not smart. See Arkansas native.

Usage: Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!

RANCH — noun. A tool used for tightnin bolts.

Usage: I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.

ALL — noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.

Usage: I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.

FAR — noun. A conflagration.

Usage: If my brother from Jawjuh dont change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.

BAHS — noun. A supervisor.

Usage: If you dont stop reading these Southern words and git back to

work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!

TAR — noun. A rubber wheel.

Usage: Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh dont git a flat tar in my pickup truck.

TIRE — noun. A tall monument.

Usage: Lord willin and the creek dont rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.

RETARD — Verb. To stop working.

Usage: My grampaw retard at age 65.

TARRED — adverb. Exhausted.

Usage: I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred.

FAT — noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or

combat.

ARE — pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.

RATS — noun. Entitled power or privilege.

Usage: We Southerners are willin to fat for are rats.

FARN — adjective. Not local.

Usage: I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed… must be from some farn

country.

DID — adjective. Not alive.

Usage: Hes did, Jim.

EAR — noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).

Usage: He caint breath … give im some ear!

BOB WAR — noun. A sharp, twisted cable.

Usage: Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.

JEW HERE — Noun and verb contraction.

Usage: Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cumpny?

HAZE — a contraction.

Usage: Is Bubba smart? Nah… haze ignert.

SEED — verb, past tense.

VIEW — contraction: verb and pronoun.

Usage: I aint never seed New York City… view?

3 religious men who have just hit the pot at the lottery wanted to thank God for their fortune.

The first said that he will take his money, draw a line on the earth and throw the money into the air. The money that will fall in the left side of the line will be a donation to his church and he will take the rest.

The second said that he will draw a circle and throw the money into the air, and what will fall inside is for God.

The third just decided to throw it into the air and let god catch his part.

Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat. The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.

The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy and I in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman wed built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of the sled, A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.

Sure as Im speaking, he was high as a kite, And he yelled to his team, but it didnt sound right.

Whoa S**thead, whoa A**hole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or Ill cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and dont hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jockeys, to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, and Ill just stay awhile

He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santas next find, And six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several more things I shouldnt even mention.

A f**k ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil. This stuff aint for kids, Mrs. Santa will s**t, Do Ill leave em here, and then Ill just split.

He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch, Saying, Take me home, Rudolf. This nights been a bitch!

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about pussy is you cant wear it out!!

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

The man says, Ill have a beer and turns to the ostrich. Whats yours? Ill have a beer too says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says That will be $

3.40 please, and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says Ill have a beer, and the ostrich says Ill have the same. Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. The usual? asks the bartender.Well, its close to last call, so Ill have a large Scotch says the man. Same for me says the ostrich. That will be $

7.20 says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender cant hold back his curiosity any longer. Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?

Well, says the man, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there.

Thats brilliant! says the bartender. Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but youll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!

Thats right! Whether its a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there, says the man. Thats fantastic! says the bartender. You are a genius! … Oh, one other thing sir, whats with the ostrich?

The man replies, Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs.

A termite walks into a bar and asks: is the bartender here?

Cmon…think about it! 🙂

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.

Pardon me, sir, she says to the store manager, but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?

Well, he replies pointing out one brand, this is as soft as a babys kiss. Its $1.50 per roll.

He grabs another and says, This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and its $1.00 a roll.

Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, We call that our No Name brand, and its 20 cents per roll.

Give me the No Name, she says.

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, Hey! Ive got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne.

Why? he asks.

Because its rough, its tough and it dont take no crap off nobody!

Dearest Koos

Im writing this slow because I know you cant read fast.

We dont live where we did when you left home. Your pa read in the newspaper that almost all accidents happen within 20 km of your home, so we moved. I wont be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldnt have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. Im not sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We havent seen them since.

The weather isnt bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your oom Frikkie said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in their pockets.

Pietie locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I havent found out what it is yet so I dont know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Oom Wessels fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a bakkie. Janneman was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldnt get the tailgate down.

There isnt much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt, Betsie

P.S. I was going to enclose R25 but I already sealed the envelope…

There are these 4 nuns who want to have a weekend off. So they ask the Mother Superior and she agrees so long as each nun confesses any sin the moment they return.

After the weekend the 4 nuns are in a line before Mother Superior ready to confess.

The first confesses to seeing a mans penis. The Mother tells her to go drink one sip of holy water and say 3 hail marys.

At this the last nun in the line starts giggling to the annoyance of everyone.

The second nun goes to the Mother and confesses to touching a mans penis. For this the Mother tells her to drink a glass of holy water and say 5 hail marys.

The last nun laughs even louder than before.

Trying to ignore the her, the third nun, approachs the Mother and confess to having sex with a man. For this the Mother sends the nun to bathe in the holy water.

The last nun is now writhing on the floor in hysterics.

The Mother has had enough and ask what the bloody hell she is laughing at, to which the nun replied I peed in the holy water.

Heres Martha Stewarts Etiquette Guide for Rednecks!

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. Its considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if youre certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

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DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup,and pour slowly so as not to bruise the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

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ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table…no matter how good his manners are.

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PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using ones OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a womans jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

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DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your dates hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know youre interested: Ive been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say Monday. If the latter is the answer, it is the mans responsibility to get her to school on time.

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THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they cant hear you.

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WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

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DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

A salesman was travelling between towns and got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a pickup truck. He yelled out the window to the salesman Need a lift?

Yes, I do, replied the salesman.

You a Democrat or Republican?, asked the old man.

A Republican, replied the salesman.

Get screwed!, yelled the old man as he sped off.

The next to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer Republican.

The driver gave him the finger and drove off.

The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Republicans in this area.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked him if he were a Democrat or Republican.

Democrat!, shouted the salesman.

Hop in!, replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, he cant help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him. The wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continues to ride higher and higher up her thighs. Finally, he yells STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!

She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out.

Whats the matter?, she asks.

I cant take it!, he replies. Ive only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody!