For those of you who are not fortunate enough to
live in California, here is a copy of the California Drivers Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and
culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have
realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and drivers test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION:Name:___________________ Stage name:________________Agent:___________________
Attorney:_______________________Therapists name:_________________Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ____both
*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___Please list brand of cell phone:________________
*If you dont own a cell phone, please explain:____________________Please check hair color:Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Males: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde [ ] Bald
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] SkinheadPlease check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up (male or female)
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / ReloadingPlease indicate how many times:a) you expect to shoot at other drivers _____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving _____If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:a) Call the police to report the crime.
b) Call Channel 5 News to report the crime, then watch your car on

My sisters first child was born in late August. In November, my sister went deer hunting with us (as she does every year).

Shed made arrangements with my mother to meet her at various times so she could feed her son. The only problem she had was that he didnt much like cold milk.

My sister took to wearing toe-warmers in her bra – no more problems.

The FUCK word!

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English

language is the word Fuck. It is the one magical word, which, just by its sound describes pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, Fuck falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (Mary doesnt really give a fuck); or an adverb (Mary is really fucking interested in John); and as a noun, (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). As you see, there are very

few words with the versatility of Fuck.

Besides Its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to

describe many situations:

It can be used in an anatomical description – Hes a fucking asshole.

It can be used to tell time – Its five fucking thirty.

It can be used in business – How did I end up with this fucking job?

It can be maternal – as in Motherfucker.

Valuable Vocabulary Chart Below:

=====================================================================

Greetings……………………………….How the fuck are you?

Fraud………………………….I got fucked by the car dealer.

Dismay………………………………………….Oh, fuck it.

Trouble………………………….Hell, I guess Im fucked now.

Aggression…………………………………………Fuck you.

Disgust…………………………………………….Fuck me.

Confusion…………………………………..What the fuck…?

Difficulty…………….I dont understand this fucking business.

Despair………………………………………..Fucked again.

Exasperation…………………………………For fucks sake.

Enjoyment………………………………This is fucking great.

Hostility……………..Im going to knock your fucking head off.

Stupidity………………………….Geir Bergerud is a Fuckwad!

Incompetence……………………………..Hes such a fuck-up.

Ignorance…………………………………….Fuck if I know.

Displeasure…………………….What the fuck is going on here?

Lost…………………………………..Where the fuck are we?

Disbelief………………………………..Unfuckingbelievable!

Retaliation………………………………Up your fucking ass.

Surprise…………………………………………..Fuckin A!

Surprise………………………………..Well, Ill be fucked.

Suspicion…………………………What the fuck are you doing?

Contempt…………………Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!

You might be a redneck if…
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

Youre over the hill when …

1. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, Did I wake you?
2. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
3. Theres nothing left to learn the hard way.
4. Things you buy now wont wear out.
5. You can eat dinner at 3 p.m.
6. You can live without sex (but not without glasses).
7. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
8. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
9. You have a party and the neighbors dont even realize it.
10. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
11. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
12. You sing along with the elevator music.
13. Your eyes wont get much worse.
14. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
15. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
16. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they cant remember them either.
17. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
18. You cant remember who sent you this.

Why couldnt Hellen Keller drive? Shes a woman.

(wgm@mitre-bedford.ARPA (Gregory M. Woodhouse) writes:)

News article:

A hole has been found in the fence surrounding the Happydale
Nudist Colony. Police are looking into it.

Heard on a police radio frequency:

Car 4, please investigate a report of a nude woman at large in the
vicinity of the 700 block of Temple. After a short silence, All
other squads, remain on your beat.

Theodore A. Kaldis

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.

The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, Ill do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young womans hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, Paint my house!

The soldier serving overseas, far from home, was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with the following note:

I regret that I cannot remember which one is you – please keep your photo and return the others.

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and cant remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.

The second lady chimed in, Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and cant remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.

The third one responded, Well, Im glad I dont have that problem, knock on wood, as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them…

That must be the door, Ill get it!