A minister has just died and is standing in line waiting to be judged and admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. The man says, “I am a taxi driver from Noo Yok Siddy.”
Suddenly the angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased, and proceeds through the gates.
Next, the minister steps up to the angel and the angel hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water. The minister is very concerned and asks the angel, “That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life as a minister and get nothing! How can that be?”
The angel replies, “Up here we judge on results—all of your people sleep through your sermons—in his taxi, they pray.”

When my wife went in the hospital for surgery several years ago, a rule prohibited children under 12 from visiting patients. Our 11-year-old seemed to understand, but our six-year-old took the restriction very hard.

We discovered why she was so unusually upset when we heard her talking to her mother on the phone for the first time. As she said goodbye, she tearfully exclaimed, Ill see you when Im 12, mom!

The Queen Mother

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his
days in the air force. (Joke best delivered with a good thick accent)

In 1942, he says, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very
strong air force. I remember, he continues, one day I was protecting the
bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.

(At this point, several of the children giggle.)

I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and
shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was
another fokker behind me.

At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys
start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, I think I should point
out that Fokker was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company

Thats true, says the pilot, but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts.

What does a redneck say before he gets injured? “Watch this!”

The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

The New York Times is read by people who think they run the
country.

The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run
the country.

USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the
country but dont really understand the Washington Post. They do,
however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.

The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldnt mind running
the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didnt have to
leave L.A. to do it.

The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the
country.

The New York Daily News is read by people who arent too sure
whos running the country, and dont really care as long as they can
get a seat on the train.

The New York Post is read by people who dont care whos running
the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous,
preferably while intoxicated.

The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who arent sure
there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is,
they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions
if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs,
who also happen to be illegal aliens from any country or galaxy
as long as they are democrats.

The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another
country, but need the baseball scores.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, Ill contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.

The brunette arrives at the mans ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that Ive bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.

The telegraph operator explains that hell be glad to help her, then adds, Its just 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that shell only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, I want you to send her the word, comfortable.

The telegraph operator shakes his head. How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, comfortable?

The brunette explains, My sisters blonde. Shell read it very slow.

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for 6 days. Eventually Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the 7th day. He inquired of God, Where have you been?God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards, through the clouds, Look Michael, look what Ive made.Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, What is it?Its a planet, replied God, and Ive put LIFE on it. Im going to call it EARTH and its going to be a great place of balance.Balance? inquired Michael, still confused.God explained, pointing to the different parts of EARTH, For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there, Ive placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. God continued, pointing to different countries, This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, Whats that one?Ah, said God, Thats Canada, the most glorious place on EARTH. Theres beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and theyre going to be found traveling the world. Theyll be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, What about balance, God? You said there will be balance?God replied wisely, Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards Im putting next to them.

A boy asked his mother, Why is my big sister named MoonChild?

The mother said, Because she was conceived when the first man landed on the moon.

The son continued, Why is my other sister named CornFlower?

The mother said, Because she was conceived in a corn field.

Why is big brother named ThunderingStorm? he asked.

She replied, Because he was made during a storm.

The mother asked, Why are you so curios, TornRubber?

I was walking down the street one day, when I saw this guy strangling a little kid.

Whats going on here? I asked.

I was playing bass in that club, says the guy, and this little punk ran in and twisted one of my tuning pegs.

Thats horrible, I said, but its no reason to brutalize him.

The guy replied, Well, he wont tell me which one he messed with!