Old and New Jokes

How many men do you need to screw on a light bulp?
One. Theyll screw anything.

How many Finns does it take to change a light bulp?
Unknown, becouse when Finns notice that the light bulp is made of glass and
that it has threads they spend the entire night trying to fix it!

How many software pirates does it take to change a light bulp?
3, first one gets as new a light bulp as possible, the second changes it and
the third one codes an intro that says what they just achieved.

How many members of U2 does it take to change a light bulp?
One. Bono holds up the light bulp, and the universe revolves around his ass.

How many Lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulp?
50 to do it and the others to stand around and say, I could do that
better.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulp?
They have a machine that does that now.

How many Filipinoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
We dont know. The new bulb keeps getting shot at the airport.

How many Englishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
What do you mean change it? Its a perfectly good bloody bulb! We have had
it for a thousand years and it has worked just fine.

How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Ve are asking ze qvestions here!
Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in.
None. They assign the task to a gastarbeiter.

How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They dont need to, they glow in the dark.

How many Serbs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two – one to shoot the old bulb out and one to screw the new one in.

How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
They dont bother. They just change the standard to darkness. (Continuation:
Of course, the darkness isnt yet complete in version 1.0, but Microsoft
promises that in the next release it will be.)

How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the t-shirts.

How many Apple programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but why bother? Your light socket will just be obsolete in six
months anyway.

How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a light bulb
An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while theyre arguing. Finally
a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of
him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of
the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the
function is exponential is not known.

How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but she/hell swear up and down that it was just as easy for him
as it would be for a Macintosh user.

How many Macintosh engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None – it has to be done by a local authorized dealer.

How many Mac owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None – theres no documentation available, so you have to wait until a
third-party supplier comes out with a solution. Did you try rebooting with
extensions off?
Just one, but the new light bulbs arent compatible with the old sockets, so
he has to buy a complete upgrade or a new light.
Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to insert the new
one.
Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for changing the
bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes on the look and
feel of the bulb changing method.
Mac users dont screw, they just click the genital icon.

How many Newtons does it take to change a light bulb?
Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup. Farm.

How many Newton users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, tharks to the extnq-producilve handwritling processcr.

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age." The man doesnt believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try. "Pull down your pants," she says. He doesnt understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "Youre 84 years old." "Thats amazing," the man says. "How did you know?" "You told me yesterday."

The Yaakov, the first Jew to be elected President calls his Mother: Mama, Ive won the elections. Youve got to come to the swearing-in ceremony.

Mamma says, I dont know, what would I wear?

Yaakov says Dont worry, Ill send you a dressmaker.

Momma reminds him, Remember I only eat kosher food.

Yakkov responds, Yes Mama, I am going to be the president. I can get you kosher food.

But how will I get there? asks Momma.

Ill send a limo. says Yaakov. Please, just come mama.

Mamma says, Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy.

The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court Justices and the future Cabinet members. She nudges the gentleman on her right. You see that boy, the one giving the speech? His brothers a doctor!

What happens when you have :

2 Italian men a 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2

German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek man and 1 Greek woman 2

English men and 1 English woman 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian

woman 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman 2 American men and 1

American woman 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the

middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred :

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in

a menage à trois.

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they

alternate with the German woman.

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is

cleaning and cooking for them.

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the

English woman.

The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look

at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.

The 2 American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while

the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own,

the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can

do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of

household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and

treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is

improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.

The 2 Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for

instructions.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by

setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the

picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of

coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English

are not getting any!

A man is at his laywers funeral and and is suprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. “Why are you all at this mans funeral?”
A man turns towards him and says, “Were all clients.”
“And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching.”
“No, we came to make sure he was dead.”

1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.

2) How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.

3) Whats the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

4) Whats the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

5) Whats the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.

8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass? A mechanic.

9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can eat the last donut.

11) Jewish dilemma:

Free PORK.

12) The three words most hated by men during sex: Are you in?

13) The three words women hate to hear when having sex: Honey, Im home!

14) Why do men take showers instead of baths? Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

15) Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.

I see a guy sitting outside a place called Suzys Legs and I ask What are ya doing?

He responds Waiting for Suzs legs to open so I can get a drink.

Q: Why do Albanian border patrols consist of three men?

A: Theres one who can read and one who can write. And then a political commissar to keep an eye on those two intellectuals.

Using the Force, young Darth could unhook a bra on the other side of the planet.
Could hack into Death Star mainframe to vaporize his violin teachers house.
The power to cause volcanic pimple eruptions on the faces of his mortal enemies.
Could make Obi-Wan Kenobi pee his pants by sneaking in his room and putting his hand in warm water.
Ability to sweet-talk girls into rubbing his helmet.
For a white kid, he did a pretty damn good James Earl Jones impression.
Astounding dodge ball prowess combined with take no prisoners attitude resulted in many a beheaded opponent.
The old Jedi your lunch money is mine trick.
Ability to emit a powerful protective force-field after only one bean burrito.
Won the high school talent show every year by making the vice principal writhe in pain.
Ability to activate Trouser Saber at will.
The uncanny ability to make all the hottest babes believe that through the constant application of love and understanding *they* can change him.
You dont need to see my I.D. You know Im old enough to buy beer.

and Topfive.coms Number 1 Special Power of the Young Darth Vader…

Pasty skin + jet-black wardrobe + intense aura of impending doom = Goth babe magnet!

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
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A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of
a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he
starts searching for the source.He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a
grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven,
1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth
Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves
the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has
changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the
previous piece, it is being played backward.Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they
return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again
backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being
played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the
9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.By the next day the word has spread and a throng has
gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the
Second Symphony being played backward.Just then the graveyards caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.Oh, its nothing to worry about says the caretaker.
Hes just decomposing!