Maternity leave would last two years … with full pay
There would be a cure for stretch marks
Natural childbirth would become obsolete
Morning sickness would rank as the nations #1 health problem
All methods of birth control would be 100% effective
Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained
Men would be eager to talk about commitment
They wouldnt think twins were so cute
Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM
Briefcases would be used as diaper bags
Patenity suits would be a fashion line of clothes
Theyd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy
Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees
Women would rule the world
31
Dec
31
Dec
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all enter a swim meet. The gun goes off, and the brunette quickly captures first, with the redhead coming in second. An hour later, the blonde emerges from the pool and complains to the judges that while she was doing the breast stroke, the others were using their arms.
31
Dec
Ralph, feeling very ill, goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to
the hospital to undergo tests.
After the lengthy exam, he wakes up hungry and quite groggy. Ralph looks about,
noticing that he is now in a private room at the hospital. Just then the phone
by his bed rings…
This is your doctor, said the serious voice. We just got the results back
from your battery of tests. Obviously, you have lead a very promiscuous life.
Ralph smiled: And Ive enjoyed every minute!
The doctors voice became even more serious: Well youre not going to enjoy
this; Weve found you have an extremely nasty disease called G.A.S.H. Its a
combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes!
My gosh, doctor! said Ralph, now quite worried. What are you going to do?
The doctor explained: The first thing were going to do is put you on a strict
diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.
How long will I have to be on that diet?
For the rest of your life.
Will that cure me? asked Ralph.
Well no, said the doctor, but, its the only food we can get under the door.
31
Dec
15. The Princess LeiaMe blow-up doll
14. Chewbacca Chewn Tbacca, from Skoal
13. Princess Chia
12. Lando Calrissian Cognac — 40 Parsecs of smoooooth
11. R2D2, C3PO & KY4U Adult Action Figures
10. Han Solo Cups
9. Do you know me? Probably not, if Im out of my Stormtrooper uniform. Thats why I carry American Express.
8. McDonalds Ewok Burger Happy Meal
7. Metamucil – May the Force run through you!
6. Darth Vader Ginsberg doll — Black robe and goofy glasses sold separately
5. Tampex Tampons, now with starfighter X-wings and lightsabre applicator
4. Volkswagons Return of the Jetta
3. Ewok On A Stick toilet brushes
2. Darth Vibrader
and the Number 1 Rejected Star Wars Trilogy Marketing Tie-in…
1. Barbie Wan Kenobies Malibu Deathstar
31
Dec
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink? The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening? The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rats music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. Sorry, the man replies, hes not for sale. The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. No, he insists, hes not for sale. The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
Are you insane? the bartender demanded. That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000! Dont worry about it. the man answered. The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rats a ventriloquist.
31
Dec
A man fell asleep on the beach under the noonday sun and suffered a severe sunburn and heatstroke. He was taken to the hospital where his skin was a bright red, painful and started to blister. Anything that touched him caused agony.
The doctor prescribed continued intravenious feedings of water and electolytes, a mild sedative, and Viagra.
What good will Viagra do him in that condition? the nurse inquired.
The doctor replied, It will keep the sheet off of him.
31
Dec
(to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies theme song)
From CyberLaughs
Dere once was a story bout a man named Bill,
da poor president couldnt keep his willie still.
Then one day he was working at his desk
When in comes Monica and shows him her chest.
Boobs, that is. Two of em. Bodacious ta tas…
Yall kneel down now, ya hear?
Well da next ting ya know Monicas on her knees
Mouth open wide and happy as you please.
Bill says, Oh yeah dont say a ting
If you do a good job well have a fling.
Blow job, that is. White House scandal…
Well Bill lost his cool and he came upon her dress.
He said clean it up cuz you really look a mess.
And youre invited here to this locality,
to have a heaping helping of little Willie C.
Week after week Monicas on her knees
Keeping little Willie C as happy as you please.
Then one day she contains herself no more
She let out her story about being a White House whore.
Bad girl that is, blow jobs and bodacious ta tas…
Now we know loose lips sink ships and Monicas a whore.
Hillary is still a bitch, and Bill is still a bore.
The countrys in the toilet and the people cry No More!
But if we oust the cheating jerk we have to live with Gore.
Boob that is, one great big one. Got his head stuck in a tree…
So now you heard the story bout our Preserdent.
Wonderin if dis little fling will cost him every cent.
So da moral of da story is to do it quietly.
Dont lust for your interns sexual hospitality.
YALL CUM BACK NOW, YA HERE!!
31
Dec
A man comes into the ER and yells My wifes going to have her baby in the cab!
The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the ladys dress, and begins to take off her underwear. Suddenly he notices that there are several cabs, and hes in the wrong one.
A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an
elderly and slightly deaf female patients posterior chest wall.
Big breaths, instructed the nurse.
Yes, they used to be, remorsed the patient.
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more that five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a massive internal fart.
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began: Cover your right eye with your hand.
He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
Now your left. Again, a flawless read.
Now both, I requested. There was silence. He couldnt even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
A nurses aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed: Youre not coming in here with me. This is only a one-seater!
During a patients two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
Which one?, asked the doctor.
The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now Im running out of places to put it!
The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldnt see… Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, How long have you been bedridden?
After a look of complete confusion she answered: Why not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive.
31
Dec
For those of you who are not fortunate enough to
live in California, here is a copy of the California Drivers Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and
culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have
realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and drivers test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION:Name:___________________ Stage name:________________Agent:___________________
Attorney:_______________________Therapists name:_________________Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ____both
*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___Please list brand of cell phone:________________
*If you dont own a cell phone, please explain:____________________Please check hair color:Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Males: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde [ ] Bald
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] SkinheadPlease check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up (male or female)
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / ReloadingPlease indicate how many times:a) you expect to shoot at other drivers _____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving _____If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:a) Call the police to report the crime.
b) Call Channel 5 News to report the crime, then watch your car on
31
Dec
You might be a redneck if…
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.