Women drivers

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I dont scare easily. But she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.Damn women drivers!

HoHoHo

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa!

Rules For Bank Robbers

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes, committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently dont know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles How Not to Rob a Bank, by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.

Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules arent followed:

Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you dont follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you dont want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.
Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
Dont sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robbers signature and account number.
Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his weapon.
Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope. The teller said, All Ive got is two twenties. The robber took them and left.
Dont advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.
Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.
Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the tellers car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
Dont be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out,not to mention severe burns in sensitive places – as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.
Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.

In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank holdups reported.

Lotto Winner

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

A man won $5,000,000 in the state lotto. He immediately called his wife with the good news. Honey, guess what! I just won $5,000,000 in the lottery! Start packing, Ill be home in about two hours. Thats GREAT dear! Oh, should I pack for warm weather, or for cold? Heck, I dont care. Just be gone when I get there!

Why Women Live Longer

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

Why do women live longer than men?

Someone has to stick around and clean up after them.

Paper or Plastic?

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

One day a guy went to a grocery store and the bagger boy asked him Paper

or Plastic and the man said, Uh…paper I guess.

Then the bagger boy said your total is $56.35.

The man took out his wallet and said Real or Counterfeit.

Blondes Stupid Death

Poza publicata in [ Blonde ]

There was a Chinese dude, a Mexican dude, and a Blonde dude. The Chinese dude says, What?!! Sushi again? If I have to eat sushi for lunch again, Im gonna jump off a building! Then the Mexican dude says, What?!! Tacos again? If I have to eat tacos for lunch again, Im gonna jump off a building too! And then finally, the Blonde dude says, What?!! A sandwich again? If I have to eat a sandwich for lunch again, Im gonna jump off a building also! At the funeral, the wife of the Chinese dude said, If I knew you didnt like sushi, I wouldnt have made it for you anymore! Then the wives of the Mexican dude said, If we knew you didnt like tacos, we wouldnt have made it for you anymore! And everyone in tears looks at the Blonde dudes wife. All she had to say was, What?!! HE MADE HIS OWN LUNCH!!!!!

The Grocery Store.

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

A young boy had a job bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store decided to install a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

The young lad was most intrigued by this machine, and he asked if he could be allowed to work the machine. The manager refused, but the youngster couldnt understand why not.

The store manager explained it to him:

Sorry, kid, but baggers cant be juicers.

Prayers Answered

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, Father, I have a problem. I bought these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.

What do they say?, the priest asked.

They only know how to say Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?

Thats terrible, the priest exclaimed, But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.

Thank you. said the lady.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priests house. The priests two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, Hi, we are prostitutes Do you want to have some FUN?

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered.

Incitement To Diet

Poza publicata in [ Diet / Weight Loss ]

The loud repercussions

of diet discussions

Can set you to groaning aloud
By raising the issue

of adipose tissue

With which you feel over endowed.
You determine to lose,

but which method to use?

Theyre all couched in such intricate terms
That you long to get hold

of those wise men of old

Who sponsored the Diet of Worms.