Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told
Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
Where do you live? asked the operator.
Bubba replied, At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.
The operator asked, Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, How bout if I drag
her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?
A man and a woman who are strangers find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. They both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.
In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, Im sorry to bother you, but Im awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, I have a better idea! Just for tonight, lets pretend were married.
The man is thrilled at the idea, so the woman says, Good…Now go get your own damn blanket!
One day, a guy went into a store, just browsing.
He suddenly saw a statue of a rat made of bronze, and thought that it was interesting. He decided to buy it, and so he did.
The guy walked out of the store, carrying the statue in his arms. Suddenly some rats started following him.
He shrugged it off, and continued on his way.
As he walked along, more and more rats started following him, until all the rats in the city were behind him.
He suddenly realized that it was the statue that was doing this.
He headed towards the bay that resided next to the city, and threw the statue in. The rats followed, not caring about their immediate deaths.
The guy ran back to the store, and when he reached it, the store owner said, No refunds.
The guy shook his head, and said,
No, no, I was wondering if you had any statues like the one I bought, only, shaped like a lawyer.
Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club.
Dr.Kevorkian is hired as an Outplacement Coordinator.
Your best looking women in Marketing are suddenly very friendly with the dorky Personnel Manager.
The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is Schlitz.
Weekly yard/bake sale at Corporate Headquarters.
Company President now driving a Ford Escort.
Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the local Taco Bell.
Employee discount days at the local Army & Navy Surplus Store are discontinued.
Dental plan now consists of a Company supplied kit (String, pliers and 2 aspirin).
Your CEO has installed a dart board in his office marked with all existing departments in the Company.
Remember folks, Were not Downsizing, were Rightsizing!
Why did the police think Sting was such a great musician?Because they had no bassist for comparison.
He was just casually sipping his beer, relaxing and listening to the music. Suddenly, someone burst through the door. Joe! Joe, your barn is on fire!The man leapt up from the bar, ran outside, jumped on his horse and started galloping away. He rode for a couple minutes, then thought, wait a minute… I dont have a barn! So he turned around and went back to the bar and his beer.He was working on his second beer when another man came storming into the bar. Joe! Joe! Someone is stealing all your cattle!The man leapt out of his seat, got on his horse, and started galloping away. He rode for a few minutes and thought, Wait a minute! I dont have any cattle! So he turned around and returned to the bar.He was working on his fourth beer when yet another man stormed into the bar. Joe! Joe! Someone is screwing your extremely beautiful wife!The man leapt up, got on his horse and started galloping away. He rode for a few minutes and thought, Wait a minute… my name isnt Joe!
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better computer programmer.
This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the
judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously
for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking
out the electricity. Moments later when the power is restored, God announces
that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and
cries, I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out.
Very well, then, says God, let us see if Jesus fared any better. Jesus
enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of
an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, But how? I lost everything, yet Jesus
program is intact! How did he do it?
God looked at Satan and smiled. Jesus saves.
Q&As about Salami Bin Coward & the Talibuttheads:
Q: Why does Salami Bin Coward carry a Turd in his pocket?
A: Its his photo ID.
Q: What do Salami Bin Coward and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing – yet.
Q: How do you play Talibutthead bingo?
A: B-52…F-16…B-1…
Q: What is the Talibuttheads national bird?
A: Duck.
Q: How is Salami Bin Coward like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
Q: What does Salami Bin Coward and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!
Q: Whats the difference between the Talibuttheads and a bucket of crap?
A: The bucket.
Q: Whats the five day forecast for Afghanistan?
A: Two days.
Q: Why dont Salami Bin Cowards people eat turd sandwiches?
A: They hate bread.
Q: Why dont the Talibuttheads have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day?
A: The camels cant handle it.
The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.
Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and its effects on a 50 year old executive.
Nonplused she loaded him into her car and drove down to the local hospital.
Pointing to the fine structure she informed him that he owned the land it was built on and that they paid him $6000 per month rent. She handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars.
Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.
By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car.
She asked him why the seemingly disappointment at such good news and he replied, If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!
Cigarette smoke is the residue of your pleasure. It permeates the air and putrefies my hair and clothes, not to mention my lungs. This takes place without my consent. I have a pleasure also. I like a beer now and again. The residue from my pleasure is urine. Would you be annoyed if I stood on a chair and pissed on your head and clothes without your consent?