Why do so few men end up in heaven?

They never stop to ask for directions.

Silently weeps if you forget to turn off the music while playing Tetris.
The last sensation felt by anyone borrowing a pen is the quick sting of several tiny Punji sticks.
No one will carpool with him since that ejector seat incident.
He and his girlfriend Natasha keep threatening to make big trouble for Moose and Squirrel.
His twin, who looks just like him except that he wears black, keeps coming in at lunch to booby trap his cubicle.
Always trying to convince you that Yakov Smirnoff is actually funny.
You could swear he used to look just like Sean Connery, but now hes the spitting image of Pierce Brosnan.
I may ask; would you additionally like a packet of oil-fried potato slices, comrade?
His shoe has a setting for either Ring or Vibrate.
She taps that commie pen on her commie desk the same commie way EVERY FRIGGIN DAY!
Last October you helped him ship out 750 boxes of old computer punch cards to addresses all over Florida and the tip he promised you was dump all your stocks.
Suspiciously never complains about the temperature in the office.
He asks you to pull his finger — until it clicks.
and Topfive.coms Number 1 Sign Your Coworker is a Spy…
He introduces himself as Bond… Jame… Er, Finkelmeyer… Junius Finkelmeyer.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

This
guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees
a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and
a green string tied to its right leg. He asks the owner
the significance of the strings.
"Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you
pull the red string he speaks French; if you pull
the green string he speaks German," replies the
shop keeper.
"And what happens if I pull both the strings?"
our curious shopper inquires.
"I fall off my perch you fool!!" screeches
the parrot.

The number of people who believe it will ship on time.
The number of floppies it will ship on.
The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.
The number of pages in the easy install version of the manual.
The percentage of existing Windows programs that wont run in the new OS.
The number of minutes to install.
The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
The number of people who will actually pay for the upgrade.
The number MHz required for the OS to run.
Bill Gates age when it ships.
The number of seconds before it crashes.

And now the #1 thing people think the 95 in Windows 95 really stands for:

The year it was due to ship.

Why did the Packers tear up the end zone after a Vikings Game?

There was too much Moss in it!

Dying in it.

Welcome to EBONICS 101

Herein follow a few terms to help you get started on your merry way towards the ve-nak-u-lar…

Damn- that shit is DOPE!

That is a wonderful concept/object/action.

Cant FADE that.

I am unable to comprehend or assimilate that concept at this time.

Shante aint havin it.

This is not something that Shante will allow to occur.

Homey- Boo was dropping PHAT beats.

Our friend Boo was playing some wonderful music.

YO!- Let me GAFFLE that BLUNT!

Might I be able to indulge in your marijuana cigarette?

JIMMY was on and I was HITTIN it!

I had in my possession a condom, which was used in my engagement of sexual activity.

Whats up? Why you ALL UP in my shit!?!

Please sir/madam- stay out of my affairs.

She is HELLA CLOWIN you HOMEY!

The woman is creatively informing you that her interest in dating you is non-existent at this time.

Woooooo- Renaldo was PITCHIN STRAIGHT GAME to baby-doll, and it was SMOOOOVE!

Renaldo was creatively inquiring as to the marital status of the female, with the intention of asking her on a date.

STEP OFF Cool- before I bust PHAT CAPS in your A** with my NEINER…

It would be beneficial to your physical state to leave this area, as I will soon be encouraged by your disrespect towards me to shoot bullets into your buttocks with my 9mm pistol.

Why is 5-OH always BUGGIN!?!~~~~

Why are the police officers always worried?

Friday night- COLD CHILLIN with a 40 and a BLUNT.~~~~

It is Friday eve, and I am leisurely enjoying a forty ounce bottle of malt liquor and a marijuana cigarette.

A couple, concerned with speaking of sex in front of their children, decided to rename sex with the words washing machine.

Each time one of the two decided to entice the other, they would say, How about some washing machine, dear?

Well, one night, the husband was feeling quite amorous and asked his wife for a little washing machine, but the wife refused on the grounds of having a headache.

After a while, the wife reconsidered the husbands request thinking of allowing herself to have a headache interrupt their sexual activities. So, the wife awoke her husband and offered to participate in a little washing machine action.

The husband rolled over, facing his wife, and declared, No, thats ok, dear. It was a small load anyway, so I did it out by hand.

After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

Louise, he moaned, tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?

Even worse, she assured him, voice dripping with scorn.

You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company to his face.

Hes an asshole – piss on him!

You did, Louise informed him. And he fired you.

Well, screw him! said John.

I did. Youre back at work on Monday!

You might be a redneck if…
You think a Volvo is part of a womans anatomy.