Old and New Jokes

I heard a story of a woman going into a bank with her son who was about 5 or

6. He was being a brat and his mother was having a hard time controlling him. When she finally got to the teller, she sat the boy on the counter and said, Now you be a good boy or Ill tell Gramma how you were acting and she wont give you anymore cookies.

The child sat there for a moment with a scowl on his face and then told her, and everyone else in the bank, Oh yeah? Well Ill tell Gramma I saw you sucking Daddys cock!

The place went completely silent and the woman just picked up her son and left without finishing her banking.

How to Impress a Woman

Compliment her,

respect her,

honor her,

cuddle her,

kiss her,

caress her,

love her,

stroke her,

tease her,

comfort her,

protect her,

hug her,

hold her,

spend money on her,

wine and dine her,

buy things for her,

listen to her,

care for her,

stand by her,

support her,

hold her,

go to the ends of the Earth for her.

How to Impress a Man

Show up naked.

Bring food.

The young clerks responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

None of the judges yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerks pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.

The judge couldnt resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique. Oh, theres not much to it, admitted the clerk happily, I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office.

If you cant live without me, why arent you dead already?

Youd make a lovely corpse!

I never forget a face, but in your case Ill make an exception.

Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

Youre a wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits…huh?

Did you eat a brain tumor for breakfast?

You love nature in spite of what it did to you?

I want to reach your mind – where is it currently located?

I wish Id known you when you were alive.

If you ever had a bright idea, it would be beginners luck!

Whats on your mind? If youll forgive the overstatement.

When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?

I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.

Youre a mouse studying to be a rat.

Dont look now, but theres one too many in this room and I think its you.

Every time Im next to you, I get a fierce desire to be alone.

I cant believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest!

If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?

Theres nothing wrong with you that reincarnation wont cure.

Why dont you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

Youre a good example of why some animals eat their young.

A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster for refund because it didnt work. The clerk told her that he couldnt give her a refund because she bought it on special.

All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, Grab my Breasts! Grab my breasts!

The clerk didnt know what to do, so he called the store manager who asked her if he can help.

She explained that she wanted to return the nonworking toaster for refund, and he told her that he would not give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special.

Once again she yelled, Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!

The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase.

She replied, Because I like my breasts grabbed when Im getting screwed!

Never trust a dog to watch your food. – Patrick, age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” dont answer him. – Michael, 14
Never tell your mom her diets not working. – Michael, 14
Stay away from prunes. – Randy, 9
Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. – Traci, 14
Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic tac. – Andrew, 9
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. – Kyoyo, 9
You cant hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. – Armir, 9
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. – Naomi, 15
Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. – Lauren, 9
Dont pick on your sister when shes holding a baseball bat. – Joel, 10
Never try to baptize a cat. – Eileen, 8

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
What the hell do you think youre doing?
Im a chiropractor, and Im just keeping in practice while Im waiting in line.
Well, Im a lawyer, but you dont see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?

Marriage for women has its ups and downs. How?

The toilet seat is up and the hubbys sex interest is down.

Today theyre leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine.

They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. So they release the drunkard as well.

The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says:

Hey, I see what your problem is!

One day this Blonde walked into her doctors office.

Doctor, Doctor Im having these awlful pains in my back.

Well let me take a look.

When the doctor looked he had a look of suprise on his face.

This is amazing.

What is is doctor?

I didnt know that the new Toyotas had ribbed leather rear seating!