Old and New Jokes

1. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and youre barefoot.
2. The porn video you bring home is Debby Does Dialysis.
3. Your sweetie says, Lets go upstairs and make love, and you answer, Honey, I cant do both!
4. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.
5. Getting a little action means I dont need to take any fiber today.
6. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
7. You remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

You might be a redneck if you study for a blood test.

Ymight be a redneck, if you clean your toilet by peein on the stains!

I met this beautiful girl last night. She invited me back to her place and we had the greatest steamiest sex ever.

Actually, it wasnt really the *greatest* sex ever, it was more like medium-great sex, and well, she didnt exactly invite me back to her place, I sort of followed her home to her apartment.

To be factual, we didnt actually have sex per se, but we came very close.

You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely… well, actually, I was fondling her, she wasnt fondling me… well, really, I wasnt actually *fondling* her, our bodies just got very close together.

To be honest, I just sort of brushed into her. Accidentally. But it was great, really hot and sensual you know?

Actually, to be specific, it wasnt really her that I brushed into, it was actually the back of the chair she was sitting in. Although, the chair was…on the other side of a wall you see… in another room sort of.

And I was sort of leaning on the wall, but the chair was very close to the wall, very close.

Of course, she was on the third floor and I was sort of… on the street… leaning against the building.

But wow!

What a night.

What a night.

Al Gore and George W. Bush go to a resteraunt to try to patch things up after the election. Theyre about to order when Tipper says to Dubya, What are you having?

Bush replies, I wouldnt mind a quickie.

Mrs. Gore is outraged and says, You rude man! Who do you think you are, Bill Clinton?

Al leans over to Dubya and says, George, I think its actually pronounced quiche.

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever sides dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After five years they came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog.When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshunds neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. We dont understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.Thats nothing, an American replied. Do you know how hard it is to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.

You might be a redneck if…
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

What do you call lice on a bald mans head? Homeless.

A woman walks into a doctors office and when she sees the person wearing white she says: Oh, Doc I have this terrible stomach ache for a few days, whats wrong with me?

He asks her to undress, lie on the bed and spread her legs. After a short examination he says: Oh my God, Ive never seen such a thing. Can you wait until I get someone else to see you?

He returns in a few minutes with another guy wearing white that performs the same examination and reacts: Youre right, but Ive never seen such a thing as well.

The woman that was very tense: Doctors, can you please tell me whats wrong with me?

They: We dont know, were only the painters. The doctors are out for lunch.

Every pickle you eat brings you nearer to death.

Amazingly, the thinking man has failed to grasp the terrifying significance of the term, in a pickle. Although leading horticulturists have long known that Cucmis sativus possesses an indehiscent pepo, the pickle industry continues to expand.

Pickles are associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten pickles. The effects are obviously cumulative:

99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten pickles.
100% of all soldiers have eaten pickles.
96.9 % of all Communist sympathizers have eaten pickles.
99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate pickles within 6 months preceding the accident.
93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where pickles were served frequently.

Evidence points to the long-term effects of pickle eating: Of all the people born in 1839 who later dined on pickles, there has been a 100% mortality rate.

In spite of all the evidence, pickle growers and packers continue to spread their evil. More than 120,000 acres of fertile U S soil are devoted to growing pickles. Americans per capita annual consumption is nearly four pounds.

Alternative: Eat orchid petal soup. Practically no one has as many problems from eating orchid petal soup as one does with eating pickles.