Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: Disneyland Left.

So they went home.

A man was praying to God. He said, God!? God responded, Yes? And the guy said, Can I ask a question? Go right ahead, God said.

God, what is a million years to you? God said, A million years to me is only a second. Hmmm, the man wondered. Then he asked, God, what is a million dollars worth to you? God said, A million dollars to me is as a penny.

So the man said, God, can I have a penny? And God cheerfully said, Sure!!…..just a second.

Level I:
Your guests are conversing quietly, nibbling at their hors doerves, and sipping their drinks. Later, some of the gather by the piano to sing Christmas carols while others admire the ornaments on your tree.

Level II:
Your guests are talking loudly, wolfing hors doerves, and drinking from the bottles. Some people gather by the piano to sing I Gotta Be Me while others begin rearranging your Christmas ornaments.

Level III:
Your guests are arguing wildly among themselves, those that havent passed out from the upside-down margaritas. One person is singing I Cant Get No Satisfaction, which can barely be heard over the sound of breaking ornaments. A small group of guests begin placing hors doerves in the piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.

Level IV:
Your guests, hors doerves smeared over their naked bodies, are performing a ritualistic dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.

In general, you want to keep your party around Level III, unless you rent your home, have insurance, and are carrying firearms. The quickest way to get to Level III is egg-nog.

Some Warning Signs of Insanity

– You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

– Youre always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

– Nobody listens to you anymore, because they cant understand you through that scuba mask.

– You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass youve stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

– You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

– You collect dead windowsill flies.

– Every time the phone rings, you shout, Hey! An angel just got its wings!

– You like cats. Especially with mayo.

– You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligans Island, because they werent rescued.

– You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if theyll hatch.

– Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.

– You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

– You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.

– Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him its for security reasons.

– Melba toast sexually excites you.

– When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because the napkins have ears.

– You tend to agree with everything your mothers dead uncle tells you.

– You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.

– Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.

– Nearly everything you say involves the word, P-toing!

– You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

– You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that youre a stalk.

– You think that exploding wouldnt be so bad, once you got used to it.

– People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

This was told to me recently by a Unitarian divinity student, who said she
heard it from an Episcopalian divinity student, so it must be okay!

A Jew, a Catholic and an Episcopalian were standing at the gates of Hell.
Satan came out, and looked them over.

Why are you here? he asked the Jew. I ate pork, the Jew admitted.
Okay, come on in, replied Satan. Then he turned to the Catholic.

What are you doing here? Satan asked the Catholic. I ate meat on Friday
long before His Holiness said it was okay, the Catholic answered. Well,
then, come in, Satan said.

Then he looked at the Episcopalian. Why on earth are you down here?
Satan asked. The Episcopalian hung his head in shame as he answered:

I used the wrong fork.

Two brunettes and a blonde are having lunch at a cafe, all three are pregnant. Through out the coversation the topic of sex and pregnancy comes up, finally culminating in each one discussing their respective fetus and the manner of conception.

The first brunette says I know I am going to have a boy because I was on top.

The second brunette says I know I am going to have a girl because I was on the bottom.

The blonde is silent, she has a stricken look on her face, finally she bursts out Oh my god, Im going to have a puppy.

This is a paraphrase of a comment made in a local alternative newspaper:

The Biosphere II, which is supposed to represent a balanced
sampling of life on Earth, contains over 3500 species of
plants, animals, birds and insects. And eight white people.

One fine morning the milkman arrives at the house of family Jones. Mrs. Jones
opens the door, and asks him to come inside. She invites him in the
kitchen, where a huge and very good breakfast is prepared for him. He sits
down and very much enjoys all the excellent food. When he is finished
she asks him to come upstairs, and the milkman certainly has a good time!

When they dress and go down, she gives him a 5 dollar bill. Now the
milkman is really surprised, and asks where the 5 dollars are for. She
replies: Well, yesterday I told my husband that is was your birthday
today, and he said: So what, fuck the milkman, give him 5 bucks.
But the breakfast was entirely my idea!

A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q: What is Monicas favorite chinese food?

A: Cream of sum young guy.